Hey there friends! I have a big long text for you today, I woke up with the intention of writing a friend a letter but it ballooned into a “Here’s the 3 big things Riley’s been dealing with lately” post.
All the CONTENT WARNINGS!!! Some ruff topics but life is good ❤
Over the last 2 years, just since the start of the pandemic, I made friends with someone online. We grew closer and closer, talking everyday. Something happened on their end around December and a distance has been growing, and just this week things went from “we should talk less” to “goodbye, maybe for good”. It’s a mutual thing and none of it is my fault, there’s no bad drama, people just go their separate ways.
And that’s fine, I enter relationships with a NCA, Non-Commit-Agreement, that if one party needs to walk away, they can. Granted my relationships are usually poly/pan situations, and i’m usually not the primary relationship partner… I have been the 3rd wheel, the au-pair, the dirty little secret. I don’t want people to fear drama from me, I want relationships to be authentic and joyful, not obligations.
That mantra is written on my walls, those 100 feet tall barbed wire steel walls, the ones I keep up so people can’t penetrate my sensitive core. I’ve been doing well to install doors and windows in those walls and I have had a few people penetrate them lately. It’s been good, there’s an old ABDL friend and total cutie who I’ve reconnected with after a decade and more changed between us, a friend from Belgium who’s been so wonderfully supportive of my creativity, and just generally being a *present* person for friends and associates. I’m still slow to respond and a little under-confident, but i’m taking things at my own pace.
So back to my friend… I cried last night while making dinner, a woman quietly crying while making hamburgers is as American as you can get. I have cried twice in the last 2 days, once to a Silver Jews song, and once just because I was sad and cooking. Heartache is that moment when you start to text a friend and you realize they’re not there anymore, that feeling cuts like a knife. I cried and then felt better, same as if the pan burned me. I’m not a cryer, movies and books make me cry but that’s cheap, it’s hard to get me to cry about real things. Hormones help enable those kinds of emotion instead of the “mildly aroused contempt” baseline of a transgirl forced to be cis for too long.
I’m glad to cry, glad something was important enough to make me cry, glad I cared enough to let down my walls. Crying is good, Riley needs a big cry now and then, like letting off the pain valve.
My friend and I had a good run, I’m just being a little dramatic and need to stop adding addendums to this post! I still think they’re awesome and I think they think the same of me and I always keep things open-ended, who knows what the future holds. They helped me a lot especially when my friend was in the hospital here, they talked me down from some pretty high ledges, helped me be a good girl. We still are amicable and I’m not an emotional wreck or anything, it’s just a new kind of swirl for this little girl, honestly surprised I caught feelings like that. Maybe I am capable of that things you humans call “Wuv” ❤
Convention season is starting and the weathers warming up, people are socializing again so I wanted to get this ramble out of the way:
I worry about my safety at an event like Capcon. There are people in this community that would wish me ill, some of it my fault, most of it not. I have people angry about missed letters, internet drama, transphobia, fame, you put yourself online as long as I have and you get some creeps and stalkers, no need to reiterate those stories. Someone put acid in my drink one time, it took me a long time to recover, years. Never the same after something like that happens, especially because I didn’t want to take it (hence why they dosed me). I had severe trust issues, that multiplied them.
Before I go on, rest assured that one can goto Cons without drinking or partying etc, but its common and I’m sure I’d find myself in those situations.
I used to manage my anxieties with substance abuse. Conventions are filled with people doing the same, or “just having a good time” and “partying” as the non-addicts would call it. Honestly, I just really liked alcohol and how it made me feel, it wasn’t all depression and symptomatic, people get addicted both for mental/social reasons but also because intoxicants feel really good sometimes, especially the really illegal ones. I haven’t forgotten that part, hence why I need, must, avoid situations where people are getting messed up.
Everything happens at Cons, the entire Erowid catalog is found in the rooms, I’ve personally been party to plenty of illicit activity. When people party the drugs come out and really there’s nothing wrong with that IMO if it’s safe and sane. Drugs help you experience different perspectives in this world, it’s hard to take mushrooms and be a fascist, they are mind-openers (for some) and certain substances should be accessible and regulated, if only for the mental health benefits. I’m not against people who chose to imbibe and I even have some things I don’t rule out for myself, though I haven’t taken anything illicit in a loooong time. I just know what I have to avoid, and also a little bit of who & where.
WITH ALL THAT SAID, I shant be going to a wild con situation. It’s been 153 Days since Nicotine and 1075 Days since drinking, I am solid in my choices and am not avoiding things out of fear of my health, its more complicated than that. I’m not sitting here going “Damn, I wish I could go but I’m too afraid of drinking”, but I’m self aware enough to know what to avoid. I sit here at 8am in my quiet room saying “I am an adamantium bulwark, the immovable object” but when the music’s going and the wines flowing, I just don’t want to be there. I’ve been there plenty of times and it holds no appeal for me. I feared I couldn’t cut it in those environments anymore until I realized that I determine my comfort level and I always can leave or not go. Does it mean maybe letting some folks down or missing out on some fun? Sure… but true friends will understand (as my friends have) and my life is plenty full thank you, and again, been there done that ❤ I have tentative plans to go smorgasborging (Buffets) with some friends and hiking with another friend, planned 1on1 and small group gatherings are more my speed these days. 3 People is good, you can have a lot of fun with 3 chill people on the same page. Add diapers and sexual inhibition and you’ve got yourself a heck of an evening.
Honestly, I kept my “party” life and ABDL life separate, diapers are a peaceful thing for me, it’s strange for me to see people do aggressive things, sexual or otherwise, in diapers. I never liked imbibing nicotine in diapers, it seemed like such an incongruency. But these are just small things, the main point is avoiding the noisy rooms, the potential of harm, both from others or to myself. Next post I’ll tell you what you can learn about this prevention concept from Japanese train stations.
I’m going to My Best Friends Wedding in May, I think that will take all my energy for the year. Just got my tickets for California, anxious about it but will be smart and safe. Mainly going there to see my family, as they are getting older fast and I have not been back home since the start of the pandemic, if you recall I came back from CA on May 10th 2020, right before the whole world shut down. It’s going to be an adventure and will take some serious before and after care, but it’s one of those things you have to do in life. “I’m sure it’ll be alright” she says to herself with a slight quiver in her voice.
The other type of Cons
I made a video tackling Mutual Aid scams. I spent like a week on the video and longer on the story, it’s completed, here it is. Don’t share this, it’s unlisted, it’s for small audiences only and I’ll be filming a more legit version of this soon, this is more of a proof of concept and is not for public consumption.
The final note to this video is that I contacted the owner of the Gofundme privately, and after asking about some incongruencies and making aware that I knew the particulars of the few different accounts they were running (but with no accusations of fraud), this person shut everything down mid-conversation. A few associated accounts changed their names, tweets were deleted, it seems they got caught and turned tail. From desperate for groceries to “it’s ok, I got everything I needed” in one conversation, incredible. Over $20K GFM income in 9 months. And we’re seeing this happen with the anti-abortion and LGBT laws right now, people using tragedy for money.
This a big issue to me, Mutual Aid saved my life and I’m passionate about the money going to the right place. I have straight up begged for money on this website and I got it, I want people who need help get it. I don’t ask for anything . I’m also cautious and want to be really, really careful, as should anyone questioning this sort of thing. But these scams are ALL OVER, and someone needs to say something, I guess that’s me. Very interested in feedback. I’m not sure what I’m doing here but I feel like I have to do something, I see people potentially getting suckered every day. This video isn’t the right thing to do, it’s too targeted and while I am convinced this person is inauthentic, I need to make a video more about general scam prevention. One in terms of mutual aid scams and one in terms of personal relationships/catfish/fake mommies. I have this incredible platform and ability to produce content, I need to use it for community wellness stuff, in between the diaper pics and kinky vids.
4th Lost Topic
I wrote a big thing about gender and sexuality labels but I shelved it for now. Sometimes I need to vent but don’t need to publish to get value from it. I’m working on bigger writing projects, more soon. Look for “Little Life Learnings” in the future.
Got a bunch of new electrical wiring in my place and the capability to have more, safer power! I also got my internet fixed from the storms (been going off of Data off and on for a bit) and have some dudes coming by to pick up the old broken stuff in my studio, I will be opening my WIX store soon! I can’t even say how much time I’ve spent in the last 2 years in a full body coveralls and respirator lugging rusted metal and vacuuming up concrete dust, i’ve been working my little butt off and it’s starting to all come together ❤ Life has been full to the brim ❤
Thanks for reading, I have like 5 short little videos ready to be posted, bear with me! More cuteness tomorrow!!! Thanks for letting me get some words out, I’ve been a little tightly wound and needed to work some stuff out. I’m going to go ride my bike in the sun and not look at any screens for a little while. New stuff soon, hugs friends!! Happy Spring!!!