Embarrassment

I’ve been doing this whole diaper thing for a long time, all through high school I had diapers hidden in crafty places, and as far as I know, I’ve never been caught. I had a stash of diapers under the bottom drawer of my dresser, so you would have to look really hard to see my diaper hiding place. I had my pacifier, diapers, wipes and powder all packed into a happy little secret. I could wear when my mom stayed out late for work or if it was late at night, but it was pretty risky regardless. Probably the craziest moment of me getting almost caught was when I was about 15, I had bought a pack of Depends and planned to wake up and try them on.

I set my alarm for 3:00am, got up, took off my PJ’s and entered my secret diaper world. I sucked on my pacifier and laid down on this pink blankie I’ve had since I was born. I powdered myself, and laid down on the soft padding of the diaper, so happy to be in the comfort of the crinkly plastic. I taped up, and go into bed. Back then I was about 5’1’’ and 90 lbs, so even though it was tight, the Depend was a bit large on me. I miss the days of pull-ups being too big and size 6 pampers fitting perfect, but I wanted to experiment with adult diapers, and I wanted better protection.

I was lying in bed, warm, diapered, and I started to let go. I could feel it filling up but after a few seconds I could feel it get a little too heavy, and start to drip down my side. I was almost done but I couldn’t stop, so I wet all over my bed. I was in sheer terror, I was covered in pee, my sheets were soaked and my waterbed had pee running down the sides of it. I quickly pulled out my drawer and hid all my baby stuff and the soaked diaper, got clean and changed back into my PJ’s, and threw my sheets into the wash. Just as I turned on the washer and I thought I was free, my mom walks out of her room and asks me what I’m doing, in a drowsy, ‘it’s late’ way.

That moment lasted forever, caught in the choice I had to make. I could tell her I wet the bed accidentally, not because I’m some crazy mixed up person who has this crazy fascination for diapers. This would be pure heaven, I would get all the diapers I ever wanted, I would pack away all my panties and exchange them for goodnites and depends, maybe even pull-ups. I could wear diapers whenever, and be open about it… but I would be a 15 year-old bed wetter in my moms eyes, I would have to keep it up 24/7, embarrassing doctor visits, diaper shopping with my mom, I couldn’t lie to her, no matter how much I wanted to be a diapered bed wetter.

The next day I threw it all away, the stash, the soggy diaper, even my pacifier. I tore out all the pages in my diary with references to diapers, al my drawings, stories, everything, I didn’t wear another diaper for about six months. I’ve learned to accept it, or at least I tell myself I have, I’ve learned the purging makes the shame that much harder There isn’t a happy ending to this story, but I’m cozy and warm in a diaper while I’m re-telling it, so I guess it sort of does.

Why I didn’t stay in diapers

I’ve always considered myself a social person. I’ve never been great at one-on-one social interaction, but in front of crowds I can do very well, I did speech and debate in high school, and I’ve always been a good manager. I was also a part of a ‘scene’ in my town, where the social leaders are good looking, fit, and infallible. No one knows I wear diapers there; I’ve had to hide them in locking suitcases and car-trunks.

If I knew why I wanted to do this, I would probably stop. It’s not sexual… I like sex… a lot, I like really kinky sex… a lot, and I like incorporating diapers into bondage scenes, but diapers have always been about way more than sex, it’s about happiness and protection and a lot of stuff I’m going to spend the rest of my life on a therapists couch for.

I really don’t care though! I love wearing diapers… I always have, and I always will. I’ve already gone over the hurdle in my head, and now I just need to get over the logistics of it.

Panties at my Ankles – The First Day

I’ve wanted to do this since I first put a diaper on. Since I was looking in my mom’s bathroom and looking at the pads I was too young to wear, putting them in my underwear for the feeling, as opposed to prevent anything.

I’m going to be a diaper wearer 24/7. I have enough diapers, I have enough privacy, and I have enough willpower. I’m wearing panties for the last time… I cleaned out my underwear drawer and replaced them with diapers. I wish you could sell old panties on eBay, I’d make a fortune.

I have one pair as a back-up. They’re the ones I wore to the prom, a comfortable pair of pink VictoriasSecret my ex-boyfriend bought me when we went gallery shopping in NewYork. They’ve always been my “lucky panties”, but I even have to hide them away. Out of site… out of mind.

I’m not doing this just to make myself incontinent. I don’t mess (for those not aware of the lingo, messing means #2 – look for a glossary post later), maybe later on this is something that would be attractive to me, but I’m a very hygienic person, so probably not. I’m going to wear diapers 24/7, to bed, to work, at parties and on dates. If this eventually makes me incontinent or more open to wetting, or a bed wetter, it’s for the best, because I’ll be diapered anyway.

What to Expect out of this Blog
I’m going to be writing about my daily life as a diapered individual, adversity I encounter, peoples reactions, as well as my thoughts (and hopefully comments with yours) about making this decision and going through with it. Thanks for reading this first post, and I guess I better pack this last pair away and go grab a DryNite!