too long

It’s been far too long since I updated. Sorry, I plan to be more diligent!

It’s been a month, at the time of writing this, a month and 7 days. Not much has changed… I have a drs. appointment Monday morning for a check-up, I’m hoping to get spiro. I’ll be updating, writing and posting more videos soon, life has been all over the place lately, but I’m dedicated to doing this site 🙂

❤

cold water, dead deer and lemons

We buried a friend in Cincinnati, my old middle school crew and a hundred crying family members. I still know some people from middle school but haven’t seen the friend in mention since 04. He moved to Ohio for the later part of High-School, I would see him log onto IM but never messaged, I was so sure we had grown apart that I didn’t try to reconnect. When I got the call that he had committed suicide, I was asked to join his family at his funeral in Cincinnati. I guess his parents didn’t know how little we were in contact, maybe it just meant a lot to his parents to have people they remember from his childhood around, I was always very polite at birthday parties.

He didn’t know I was trans or AB/DL or what music i was into or anything current, he was always very conservative and with him is where I learned to gut and clean a deer, something I’ve been trying to forget since. For the 5 days I was there I looked like a sharp young man, a funeral for a friend is one of those times where expressing myself isn’t important. It was the first time in years, and maybe in my entire life where I was perceived as a man, it felt new and strange, like cross-dressing. I got my suit out of my moms garage and borrowed a tie, kept my pitch low and let my facial hair grow out. On the positive side, I got the ego boost of flirty looks from the local girls and some rock-star treatment due to my tight-jeans California hipster looks and my indie filmmaker reputation.

All of us grew out of our god-fearing child hood except the family of my friend, the services were long and unrepresentative of the person I knew, and for the theologically uninformed, Catholics don’t look kindly on suicide. I don’t know why he did it, maybe he didn’t think he’d actually do it, or maybe he wanted to see how it feels, to have all that pain and then nothing. In middle school we used to talk about how curious we were about seeing heaven, how it would feel and what it would be like, if we were good enough to get in or if it even exists. We used to think of ways to kill ourselves on accident or just die for a few minutes so we wouldn’t go to hell but we could still see death, it was always kind of a joke, but with a eerie bit of seriousness about it. On that note, I’m really glad I don’t ponder god or the afterlife very often anymore, I’m purely Que Sera Sera, I don’t have any knowledge or control over god or the afterlife, therefore it will be what it will be. Be a good person because your a good person, not because you’re going to get something for it, be it karma or heaven.

After the service and the painful wake, I went out with the guys, watched them throw beers into the river and punch the iron girders of the bridge he walked off of. We got stinking drunk and I had my shoulder cried on by strangers and old friends, brothers fought and made up and some good times were remembered. I stayed for a few days due to a chartered flight, his father was a pediatrician who specialized in critical cancer patients, which explains flying out all his old friends and the ivory casket. It would be tough to have a dad with a depressing job like that, to understand death so early and always have that dark cloud above you, and being born with money I’m sure leaves people with the feeling of nothing to look forward to. Here I am blaming someone, damn grief cycle.

I think I’ve talked about this enough to have purged whatever needed purging, please no condolence emails or anything, you don’t have any idea who this person was, and never will. I’ve been to many funerals in my time, and death has always been a curiosity for me. I hope I can go a year without one, and why does it always rain? With everything else going on in my life this was a shock, I realize it would have been best for my mental, emotional and financial state to stay home, but I felt like I had to go. I’ve been so happy lately with the hormones, I needed something to get to me, I’m over balling up sadness and pain, I needed to cry and hug my teddy bear. Things have felt different since coming back, I’m still happy and content, I just feel a little older. This whole experience just goes to show, if life gives you lemons, someone you know might die.

what i’ve seen and where i’ve been

You know when a new rollercoaster opens and a radio station gets chumps to ride over and over again, only stopping to chug warm mountain dew and spaghetti-o’s until everyone’s covered in chunder? Well, that’s what my life’s felt like, and I’m on one of those little breaks. Let me explain the last month of my life, which rhetorically is starting to seem like the first.

I haven’t felt anything significant yet after a month, but I didn’t expect to. I started this blog to a wave of negative reviews from tons of douchebags that would be douchebags regardless of what they do in life, and happened to end up in the transgendered community. I’m not going to stop writing and I can push past the negativity gracefully, I just need a second to digest after I ate all those ugly words. I read all my E-mails and like Ringo Starr, I try to (eventually) answer every last one of them, except the hateful, underaged or unintelligible ones, but I still have to read the bad ones.

Starting hormones meant stopping smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, which I was pretty bad about before I started. The first wave of excitement of the hormones made quitting super easy, and the various cravings only come up in social situations. It’s terribly true that addiction stems from something beyond just a desire to get high, the second I had that prescription slip all my drug desires seemed to melt away. I had a touch of a relapse after a wake in Cincinnati, the circumstances permitted but I’m afraid something like that could really kill me, I’ve always been able to hold my liquor but the hormones change everything. My mind seems clearer now and I look back on how crappy and hopeless I used to feel all the time and I’m happy I’m away from that stuff.

I posted about my job recently, but took it down due to my nervousness about being open with some of the more personal details of my life. In early June I worked the last day at the electronics store that was paying my rent, I was sick of the threats, harassment and hostility, it became unsafe for me to come into work. I started hormones with my health-care just before it got cut-off, so my check-ups and hormones are going to be much more expensive this month. Luckily, I’ve got a great resume and I’m a damn fine employee so I was re-hired at a retail store I had worked before, at a brand new location. I started on the 9th of this month, and am getting decent hours, everyone seems nice and I already know all the protocol. I’m actively searching for a better job, I’m making just above minimum but it’s pretty hard to get hired as a transgendered person even here in liberal California. I’m sure I’ll get lucky and find the right office until I can start making money doing what I want to do, but for now I have to suffer through working minimum.

I’m also considering starting school later this month, at this point it’s a no because I can’t really afford to do it and live at the same time, but I think going now would be really positive. I dropped out of college after 9 weeks, I took G.E. classes and had no desire to be there. I’ve always planned to go into video/film, and I’m good friends with one of the film teachers at the local college. I have a few more days to sign up for classes and I’ve already chosen a nice schedule of classes, I just don’t know if I should wait until next term when I can go more financially comfortable. Ugh, figuring out what to do in life is tough, especially if you don’t have the advantage of a bankroll.

On top of all that, and the main reason why you haven’t gotten a decent update in a few weeks, I’ve had this pretty barbaric Emachine PC for the last year after my 3.4 athlon motherboard and processor fried, I migrated to this lesser PC and I’m really surprised how much I can do with it. Anyway, my 500 gig HD that I upload videos to has a loose mini-usb port so I can’t do anything with it until I tear it apart, I had back-ups of all the good stuff but I don’t have access to alot of my data. The worst part is my processor fan on the Emachines went out and my computer ran over night without a fan and without me noticing. I woke up the day after coming back from Cincinnati to a nasty burning smell and a crazy hot heat sink. Its not starting anymore, and I really need to get a new computer. I’m writing this on my roommates ancient laptop.

Life has been full of ups and downs but I still feel happy, girly and positive, keep reading for more stuff!

cold water, lemons and dead deer

We buried a friend in Cincinnati, my old middle school crew and a hundred crying family members. I still know some people from middle school but haven’t seen the friend in mention since 04. He moved to Ohio for the later part of High-School, I would see him log onto IM but never messaged, I was so sure we had grown apart that I didn’t try to reconnect. When I got the call that he had committed suicide, I was asked to join his family at his funeral in Cincinnati. I guess his parents didn’t know how little we were in contact, maybe it just meant a lot to his parents to have people they remember from his childhood around, I was always very polite at birthday parties.

He didn’t know I was trans or AB/DL or what music i was into or anything current, he was always very conservative and with him is where I learned to gut and clean a deer, something I’ve been trying to forget since. For the 5 days I was there I looked like a sharp young man, a funeral for a friend is one of those times where expressing myself isn’t important. It was the first time in years, and maybe in my entire life where I was perceived as a man, it felt new and strange, like cross-dressing. I got my suit out of my moms garage and borrowed a tie, kept my pitch low and let my facial hair grow out. On the positive side, I got the ego boost of flirty looks from the local girls and some rock-star treatment due to my tight-jeans California hipster looks and my indie filmmaker reputation.

All of us grew out of our god-fearing child hood except the family of my friend, the services were long and unrepresentative of the person I knew, and for the theologically uninformed, Catholics don’t look kindly on suicide. I don’t know why he did it, maybe he didn’t think he’d actually do it, or maybe he wanted to see how it feels, to have all that pain and then nothing. In middle school we used to talk about how curious we were about seeing heaven, how it would feel and what it would be like, if we were good enough to get in or if it even exists. We used to think of ways to kill ourselves on accident or just die for a few minutes so we wouldn’t go to hell but we could still see death, it was always kind of a joke, but with a eerie bit of seriousness about it. On that note, I’m really glad I don’t ponder god or the afterlife very often anymore, I’m purely Que Sera Sera, I don’t have any knowledge or control over god or the afterlife, therefore it will be what it will be. Be a good person because your a good person, not because you’re going to get something for it, be it karma or heaven.

After the service and the painful wake, I went out with the guys, watched them throw beers into the river and punch the iron girders of the bridge he walked off of. We got stinking drunk and I had my shoulder cried on by strangers and old friends, brothers fought and made up and some good times were remembered. I stayed for a few days due to a chartered flight, his father was a pediatrician who specialized in critical cancer patients, which explains flying out all his old friends and the ivory casket. It would be tough to have a dad with a depressing job like that, to understand death so early and always have that dark cloud above you, and being born with money I’m sure leaves people with the feeling of nothing to look forward to. Here I am blaming someone, damn grief cycle.

I think I’ve talked about this enough to have purged whatever needed purging, please no condolence emails or anything, you don’t have any idea who this person was, and never will. I’ve been to many funerals in my time, and death has always been a curiosity for me. I hope I can go a year without one, and why does it always rain? With everything else going on in my life this was a shock, I realize it would have been best for my mental, emotional and financial state to stay home, but I felt like I had to go. I’ve been so happy lately with the hormones, I needed something to get to me, I’m over balling up sadness and pain, I needed to cry and hug my teddy bear. Things have felt different since coming back, I’m still happy and content, I just feel a little older. This whole experience just goes to show, if life gives you lemons, someone you know might die.

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where i’ve been and what i’ve seen

You know when a new rollercoaster opens and a radio station gets chumps to ride over and over again, only stopping to chug warm mountain dew and spaghetti-o’s until everyone’s covered in chunder? Well, that’s what my life’s felt like, and I’m on one of those little breaks. Let me explain the last month of my life, which rhetorically is starting to seem like the first.

I started hormones on July 15th, haven’t felt anything significant yet after a month, but I didn’t expect to. I started my new blog, letsgetsrs.blogspot.com to a wave of negative reviews from tons of douchebags that would be douchebags regardless of what they do in life, and happened to end up in the transgendered community. I’m not going to stop writing and I can push past the negativity gracefully, I just need a second to digest after I ate all those ugly words. I read all my E-mails and like Ringo Starr, I try to (eventually) answer every last one of them, except the hateful, underaged or unintelligible ones, but I still have to read the bad ones.

Starting hormones meant stopping smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, which I was pretty bad about before I started. The first wave of excitement of the hormones made quitting super easy, and the various cravings only come up in social situations. It’s terribly true that addiction stems from something beyond just a desire to get high, the second I had that prescription slip all my drug desires seemed to melt away. I had a touch of a relapse after a wake in Cincinnati, the circumstances permitted but I’m afraid something like that could really kill me, I’ve always been able to hold my liquor but the hormones change everything. My mind seems clearer now and I look back on how crappy and hopeless I used to feel all the time and I’m happy I’m away from that stuff.

I posted about my job recently, but took it down due to my nervousness about being open with some of the more personal details of my life. In early June I worked the last day at the electronics store that was paying my rent, I was sick of the threats, harassment and hostility, it became unsafe for me to come into work. I started hormones with my health-care just before it got cut-off, so my check-ups and hormones are going to be much more expensive this month. Luckily, I’ve got a great resume and I’m a damn fine employee so I was re-hired at a retail store I had worked before, at a brand new location. I started on the 9th of this month, and am getting decent hours, but I don’t get paid until the 28th. I’m actively searching for a better job, I’m making just above minimum, it’s pretty hard to get hired as a transgendered person even here in liberal California, but I’m sure I’ll get lucky and find the right office.

I’m also considering starting school later this month, at this point it’s a no because I can’t really afford to do it and live at the same time, but I think going now would be really positive. I dropped out of college after 9 weeks, I took G.E. classes and had no desire to be there. I’ve always planned to go into video/film, and I’m good friends with one of the film teachers at the local college. I have a few more days to sign up for classes and I’ve already chosen a nice schedule of classes, I just don’t know if I should wait until next term when I can go more financially comfortable. Ugh, figuring out what to do in life is tough, especially if you don’t have the advantage of a bankroll.

On top of all that, and the main reason why you haven’t gotten a decent update in a few weeks, I’ve had this pretty barbaric Emachine PC for the last year after my 3.4 athlon motherboard and processor fried, I migrated to this lesser PC and I’m really surprised how much I can do with it. Anyway, my 500 gig HD that I upload videos to has a loose mini-usb port so I can’t do anything with it until I tear it apart, I had back-ups of all the good stuff but I don’t have access to alot of my data. The worst part is my processor fan on the Emachines went out and my computer ran over night without a fan and without me noticing. I woke up the day after coming back from Cincinnati to a nasty burning smell and a crazy hot heat sink. Its not starting anymore, and I really need to get a new computer. I’m writing this on my roommates ancient laptop.

Life has been full of ups and downs, I still feel happy, girly, and positive. Donations are appreciated more now than ever, you’ll get a private video and can make anything you’d like, I still have some diapers to send to special donors as well, and I can send you my Yahoo chat address and we can chat on cam if you’d like to. Thanks for reading and sorry for not getting back sooner but don’t fret little ones, I haven’t left you!

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