what i’ve seen and where i’ve been

You know when a new rollercoaster opens and a radio station gets chumps to ride over and over again, only stopping to chug warm mountain dew and spaghetti-o’s until everyone’s covered in chunder? Well, that’s what my life’s felt like, and I’m on one of those little breaks. Let me explain the last month of my life, which rhetorically is starting to seem like the first.

I haven’t felt anything significant yet after a month, but I didn’t expect to. I started this blog to a wave of negative reviews from tons of douchebags that would be douchebags regardless of what they do in life, and happened to end up in the transgendered community. I’m not going to stop writing and I can push past the negativity gracefully, I just need a second to digest after I ate all those ugly words. I read all my E-mails and like Ringo Starr, I try to (eventually) answer every last one of them, except the hateful, underaged or unintelligible ones, but I still have to read the bad ones.

Starting hormones meant stopping smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, which I was pretty bad about before I started. The first wave of excitement of the hormones made quitting super easy, and the various cravings only come up in social situations. It’s terribly true that addiction stems from something beyond just a desire to get high, the second I had that prescription slip all my drug desires seemed to melt away. I had a touch of a relapse after a wake in Cincinnati, the circumstances permitted but I’m afraid something like that could really kill me, I’ve always been able to hold my liquor but the hormones change everything. My mind seems clearer now and I look back on how crappy and hopeless I used to feel all the time and I’m happy I’m away from that stuff.

I posted about my job recently, but took it down due to my nervousness about being open with some of the more personal details of my life. In early June I worked the last day at the electronics store that was paying my rent, I was sick of the threats, harassment and hostility, it became unsafe for me to come into work. I started hormones with my health-care just before it got cut-off, so my check-ups and hormones are going to be much more expensive this month. Luckily, I’ve got a great resume and I’m a damn fine employee so I was re-hired at a retail store I had worked before, at a brand new location. I started on the 9th of this month, and am getting decent hours, everyone seems nice and I already know all the protocol. I’m actively searching for a better job, I’m making just above minimum but it’s pretty hard to get hired as a transgendered person even here in liberal California. I’m sure I’ll get lucky and find the right office until I can start making money doing what I want to do, but for now I have to suffer through working minimum.

I’m also considering starting school later this month, at this point it’s a no because I can’t really afford to do it and live at the same time, but I think going now would be really positive. I dropped out of college after 9 weeks, I took G.E. classes and had no desire to be there. I’ve always planned to go into video/film, and I’m good friends with one of the film teachers at the local college. I have a few more days to sign up for classes and I’ve already chosen a nice schedule of classes, I just don’t know if I should wait until next term when I can go more financially comfortable. Ugh, figuring out what to do in life is tough, especially if you don’t have the advantage of a bankroll.

On top of all that, and the main reason why you haven’t gotten a decent update in a few weeks, I’ve had this pretty barbaric Emachine PC for the last year after my 3.4 athlon motherboard and processor fried, I migrated to this lesser PC and I’m really surprised how much I can do with it. Anyway, my 500 gig HD that I upload videos to has a loose mini-usb port so I can’t do anything with it until I tear it apart, I had back-ups of all the good stuff but I don’t have access to alot of my data. The worst part is my processor fan on the Emachines went out and my computer ran over night without a fan and without me noticing. I woke up the day after coming back from Cincinnati to a nasty burning smell and a crazy hot heat sink. Its not starting anymore, and I really need to get a new computer. I’m writing this on my roommates ancient laptop.

Life has been full of ups and downs but I still feel happy, girly and positive, keep reading for more stuff!

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