Check out Life History (01) and (02) for the “up to here”
And then it got bad. My house burnt down due to the individual downstairs, I got in a nasty car accident, and some other stuff that I’ll talk about when I feel comfortable talking about it. I got a lease in the part of town I grew up in, worked at a medical supplies call-center spending my days denying diabetics their needles. The call center shutdown and I got laid off, my job downgraded again to working at Staples as a boy, I felt like I might not ever be a girl. I hated myself and I wanted to die.
Then, it gets better. I was introduced to the ex-boyfriend of my best-friends ex-girlfriends roommate (exhales). 2 years older than me, he’s a straight, “rich kid” with the same creative aspirations as myself, same mindset, very different upbringing. We met for the same reason I met Pauly Shore, Jesse Camp etc, I just happened to be the one girl that knew where to get mushrooms in town. We became quick friends, and when my lease ran up, I moved into his too big for 2 people home just outside of Sacramento. We built a garden, would spend every night like old angry codgers cursing the ills of the world, but also trying to figure out what we could do to make it better. We played Warcraft and blew up zombies instead of blowing up lines of cocaine, listened to audio books instead of punk-rock, my pseudo age of enlightenment. My reputation preceded me in this environment, and I felt like I was Captain Cool of the S.S. Awesome, “king shit of fuck mountain” to quote Mr. Show. I made a short film that was very well received in the local scene, and was writing something new everyday. I started professionally consulting again, bought a car and a Canon GL2, I was healthy and wealthy but still alone when it came to my transitioning. I was living as a girl and working at the theatre on and off, but it didn’t feel real, It felt the same as trying on my Moms clothes at age 12, its like I was pretending.
After renting with my friend for about 6 months, we went our separate ways, him to Berkeley and myself to Sacramento. I moved into a studio apartment, started working for a sushi restaurant as a second job to the theatre. I was fired from the sushi joint for dressing as a girl, I had a choice between suing and having the Korean gangs that run aforementioned sushi joint break my pretty face, or just eating my pride and taking it like a victim. Shortly after, I started working for Environment California; they let people smoke cigarettes inside the actual call-center, so I picked up a nasty smoking habit. Nicotine has got to be the most addictive substance on the planet, more than orgasms and laughter combined. Luckily, I quit since I started hormones, anything can be beat if you actually want to quit, more on that later.
The EnviroCA call center shut down, that place was built to spill. I decided It might be a good idea to get a roommate, I had turned my apartment into an AdultBaby nursery, and was spending a lot of time away from my apartment partying, doing E, traveling, making film, working at the indie theatre and Tower Records. It was in this apartment that I started my blog, probably the most positive thing to come from this part of my life, but also started to pull me away from any sense of normalcy in my life. Tower closed which was to be expected, I was barely scraping by at my minimum wage job and I was driving around in a car that someone had scraped “I’m a fag” into the side of it. A friend of mine from high-school and I got a lease on an apartment, where I turned my bedroom into a nursery once again and focused my time on my art, started DJ’ing weddings/mitzvahs etc, I was broke but living and working as a girl.
I first tried seriously to get hormones here, this was roughly around the end of 2007, I had tried before, but didn’t feel mentally, financially or physically ready to start, I needed to quit my vices and be comfortable with life and myself. I saw some doctors, had a bad experience with psych therapy, did some tests and was denied under my ‘child of California state-worker’ healthcare, I could have pushed further and learned the system better, or started on InHousePharmacy, but instead I just gave up and cycled back into depression. I was living as a girl, but I felt like it was all for not, I wanted to start hormones terribly bad, I felt like I was growing older by the second. I wasn’t a happy camper, and I was really using the AB/DL stuff as a comfort device, I slept in my crib pretty often and was always diapered at home. My life was pretty sad, but a little spark was about to ignite all the explosives in my mental cargoship.
“From this point on” in my next post. Thanks for reading.
StayDiapered! 
