We are all stars in the ABUniverse

Hey there diapered friends! I just got my mitts on the new SuperDryKids Diaper by ABUniverse, and I made a video!

This diaper is awesome. When I was young, I was always selfishly afraid of a cure for incontinence, because I thought they would eventually just stop making adult diapers. Luckily, we live in a Supply/Demand society, and there’s enough folks out there to practically market AB/DL diapers… which is AWESOME, and a reason to not feel so damn lonely all the time.

I’m not 100% sure, but I think Bambino was the first company to start making AB/DL diapers, but ABUniverse is also an innovator in the field, more focused on producing replicas of Baby Diapers in adult sizes as opposed to making a brand new diaper. Bambino offers its diapers in 4 sizes, Small to X-Large, as opposed to just the Medium and Large that ABUniverse diapers, but I think most people will just stick with the medium or large of Bambino anyway, I’m tiny and the small is a litle tight, not too tight, I just prefer the mediums. It’s nice that Bambino has those though, and I’m sure ABUniverse will *eventually* open up its size chart. Both Bambino and ABUniverse sell boosters, neither of which I’ve tried but I’ve heard the ABUniverse super-thick pads are pretty awesome, and they have the “feel and learn” feature to them so they feel more like cloth. The price of both diapers are comparable as well, and if you’ve tried both of these diapers please comment, I’d love to hear from fellow diaper adventurers 🙂

Both of these diapers are really awesome, and I can’t wait to try more of the Super-Dry-Kids and make an ultimate decision on whats the best AB/DL diaper. I have seen some posts online about shipping issues, but I’ve never heard anything from friends that order from them all the time, let me know if there’s any truth to that and for now they’re in the green. If you buy some through my recommendation, let them know, I wouldn’t promote something I don’t think is awesome, no matter how many free diapers I could end up with. Enjoy the video, and try them out, they get the Riley seal of approval!

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Wedding Bells

As I had mentioned before, I was recently best man at my brothers wedding, an honor I would have to sacrifice parts of my nature to participate in. This post is about sacrifice and how it can occasionally lead to steak fries.

The wedding was in San Diego, a beautiful city I’ve frequented in the past, mostly the OceanBeach area, I’ve had some great memories there and in the too close for comfort Tijuana. But this trip was going to be different, I was staying in a hotel packed with family and there would be no Mexico shenanagins or sex on the beach. I was excited to come, but the big difference is that I’m going to be a man this time. To avoid any unneeded confusion etc. with the 150+ in-laws I was about to give a toast in front of, I packed only androgynous clothes and my family called me by my masculine legal name, the one they’ve known me as a good portion of my whole life, at least until the last few years. My parents/sibling are relatively supportive of my transition, there’s love in my family but we dont see each other terribly often, I do keep it feminine at the rare family function and have never gotten a “what you are doing is wrong” speech.

It was strange being perceived as a male, I’m so used to getting the little thrill of hearing She when someone addresses me, and my legal name is very foreign to me. I barely had anything

appropriate to wear, all my clothes are cute and femme, I had to borrow from my roommate a bunch of t-shirts from his old band, it looked like I was really into a high-school emo band I had never even heard. The clothes was part of it, I wore panties under my clothes still, but I felt out of place, and realize how much I treasure the opportunity to express myself through my clothing. I felt as if my personality was the only thing that remained, but even that was a little stunted, I didn’t worry about the octave of my voice, or if I had a 5 oclock shadow. It was easy going back to a guy, but I still shaved my body and face and kept as femme as I could as a boy, I didn’t want to get to comfortable being a guy.

I think the most profound difference was how I was treated by men, I’m used to being treated somewhat delicately, from doors being opened to just the way people look at me and communicate with me. As someone who focuses alot of thought on the gender spectrum and that’s seen both sides now I notice the drastic differences in looks, how men generally ignore you as a man, and women are either cautious or curious, depending on how you look as a man. I also felt the competitive nature of men when talking with men, especially my wealthy, conservative new in-laws, everything is somewhat of a one-upping competition, and I felt pretty emasculated, I’m sure I was the only guy there that didn’t treasure their masculinity. It’s a horrible word, but for the first time in a long time that I didn’t feel like a girl, or a proud member of the GLBT community… I felt like a fag, worthless and perverted, a misshapen genderless thing, and it didn’t feel right.

Of course I felt this way, I forced myself to revert back toa mindset that brought me a great deal of insucurity. If I wore a barrel and didn’t shower around my family I wouldn’t feel

very good either, and it would be as out-of-character as me wearing a tuxedo. At first I thought it would be fun to get all fancy and dressed up, then I started dreading it, but after a couple drinks and my toast (which killed) I felt pretty comfortable. People could tell I was in the creative field, and that generally eases peoples tensions, a sub-culture actor gets more leniency than a sub-culture PC technician, and trust me, I’ve been both. I was doing video for the event so I didn’t have to really talk to anyone for terribly long, and will remember the wedding as a wonderful experience that I had to make some personal exceptions for, but it was worth it. Probably the best time I had was going to a yummy little Mexican place my brother visits everytime he’s in SD. It was just us, so I could express myself as I do around him, femininely, and I had the best carne asada fries I’ve ever had, it was just steak on cheese on guac on fries, and probably took a year off of my life, but they were soooooo good. I beat my brother at Marvel Vs. Capcom on a stand-up arcade there, I’m so used to him beating me at MvC2 on the 360 that this was a welcome ego boost. It also reminds me that no matter what i’m wearing or how I’m perceived, there’s still a potential for happiness, even if that happiness is limited to fighting games and fatty foods.

Big Red Bullsye pt. 2

Read this first, or here’s a quick summary – I’ve worked at Target for around a year, I had been threatened and assaulted by customers so I quit for a while and transferred stores. Our story begins as I start my first day at my new store, dressed cute (of course) and excited to start…

Happily hired, I was sitting in the office of my new Executive Team Leader, my boss, just about to go out on the floor for the first day of work at my new Target. I wanted to make sure I was plenty cute and proper so I asked where the employee restrooms were. I was told that there were no employees restrooms, gender-neutral or ‘family’ bathrooms, this was not good, I panicked a little in my head. My last store had single room bathrooms in the back, I thought every Target did, or at least had a family restroom due to the fact that the place is packed with kids all day, but no, nothing. A Mens room and a Womens room at the very front of the store, right next to the cash registers where at just about any time of the day 25+ people are just standing around.

To be honest, I was worried at first, but for the first few months I wasn’t getting many hours and whenever I went to the stores around the Target I was always able to use their restrooms whenever I needed. There were a couple times when I took breaks early or was late to return because there was a line or something to the Peet’s Coffee bathroom, but I never really stressed out until very recently. I’ve been keeping healthier and working longer shifts, and the hormones are starting to have a bit more profound of an effect on me, and part of that being needing to pee more often.

One day about 3 hours into my shift my body decides it really needs to pee, it was a hot day so I was drinking water, nothing out of the ordinary. I’m by myself in Electronics, the other girl was on lunch and so I walked to see if anyone else could cover. No one responded, so I just waited, crossing my legs, keeping my hands busy until I could get covered. Half an hour of doing the “potty dance” and she finally comes back, I throw my keys at her and head over to Peets, the bathroom has a huge line. CVS? Bathrooms locked, took the lady 5 minutes to unlock the door to the out-of-order single-room restroom. Someone has the keys to the AMPM bathroom, and I’ve been gone for 20 minutes on a 15 min. break so I call work from my cell, tell them I’ll be back eventually, and I’m literally at risk of wetting my pants at this point and my kidneys feel like someone did the Eagle Claw on them like that old Danny Bonaduce infomercial.

I’d like to clarify a couple things in this story, a little background I guess. I can’t use public restrooms. I’ve been harassed, stared at, threatened and followed for using public restrooms, being called out in a women’s room is a big fear for transgirls, a worst nightmare situation. I also worked with 300+ men and women, many I didn’t know and many pretty tough and not accepting of trans-people, these individuals ignored me, and I considered to be on friendly terms with everyone there, but I used the women’s room one time there around when I first started, and saw a 180 in many of the women’s behavior around me, one more time and I could end up in a creek again. It’s clearly not a safe situation, no matter how well I pass as a girl, that’s why they have gender neutral restrooms!!!

The other thing is a little obvious, but I love diapers, I love wearing them, wetting them, I fantasize about losing control, bedwetting etc. But this is real life, not a fantasy, and I wasn’t thinking anything about wetting or anything, all I wanted was a toilet. I’m expecting people to E-mail and say that the solution would be wearing a diaper, but I still have never found a diaper I could 100% trust, plus I would go from wearing cute clothes to bulky formless clothes because I would have to wear a Abri-Form or something. Diapers are not a real-life solution for this problem, and my recent need to pee more isn’t due to “untraining”, but now that I’m not working directly with the public anymore, that might be an idea, but I don’t know if I ever want to go through what I did at work, I seriously think I damaged my kidneys.

I walked a couple blocks further to a Panda Express and made it clear that I NEEDED to use their restroom, and they let me, even though they forced me to buy a 3$ SOBE. I walked back to work feeling light, and still feeling like I kinda needed to pee, but more than anything I felt angry with target for not having a bathroom. I walked to the back office after being gone for close to an hour, and walked directly to my bosses office and gave him a “ok, time for a talk” look. I told him my issue, and after almost a month of emails, calls, meetings, reports, I quit. The best thing they could come up with was every time I wanted to use the restroom they’d clear it out and have someone stand by the door, which is not cool. I have an interview with OSHA about this on Feb. 25th 2010, the earliest they could get me in, and haven’t pursued anything legally, I’ve done research on my rights here, and I’m pretty sure there’s nothing I can do.

So I left, I was making minimum wage plus 10 cents, I was starting to get some pretty stalker-esq customers who would come in looking just for me, and people who just act pervy and creepy. I guess that’s just part of being a woman, but being a trans-girl makes it that much more dangerous. I had also been threatened by a group of big teenagers that comes into the store all the time, which makes me sound pathetic, but I’m pretty small and kids these days are pretty vigilant. I’m an unemployed girl right now, but I’ve got big things in store, and look forward to seeing this site flourish, as well as myself. I’m probably in the worst financial situation I’ve ever been in, but I’m starting to really explore my life, my future, my sexuality and my creativity more than ever. So needless to say, adversity breeds inspiration, and I’m going to overcome all the bad stuff, the drama, the fear, its all over now and things are just going to get better and better!

backula

Hey there, I’ve been wrestling with this damn escape code thingy, also, sorry for deleting comments, some of them were really sweet, thanks 🙂

Hey there friends! I’ve been away for a bit, posting mobile or not posting at all. I’m headed back from the hills of Northern California, I picked up some work with an old friend, he builds Geodesic domes and grows organically, think farming in Yosemite scenery. I picked up some work from him, I usually do at the beginning of every winter/summer, limited internet access. There’s a long post on my sister site, letsgetSRS.blogspot.com about my history with my previous employer, Target, and the mugging put me in a crappy financial situation and a mistrust for my home city. Working with my friend was a way to clear my head and pick up some quick cash, I needed to leave to remind me of why I’m here, why I do this internet thing. Me and my friend joke about how 4 years ago we were farming on World of Warcraft and now we’re doing it in real life, and I guess the same could be said about me being a girl.

I feel bad for not posting, I’m back, and thank you to everyone who’s donated, I’m actually writing this in the back of a Camper and will post as soon as I get home, my internet is supposed to be back up and alive, so I’m officially back online, and I’m really excited to be back, things are going to be better than ever, I have so much I want to talk about and show you. The mugging was pretty intense and I’ve had a pretty interesting time since, but I’m sure I’m over it and things are back to good. I was going to tell you all about my leaving Target in this post, but I don’t want to spoil it with anything negative. I’m just writing to say that I’m back, I’m happy, and I’ll make it if you think I can.

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Big Red Bullsye pt. two

Read this first, or here’s a quick summary – I’ve worked at Target for around a year, I had been threatened and assaulted by customers so I quit for a while and transferred stores. Our story begins as I start my first day at my new store, dressed cute (of course) and excited to start…

Happily hired, I was sitting in the office of my new Executive Team Leader, my boss, just about to go out on the floor for the first day of work at my new Target. I wanted to make sure I was plenty cute and proper so I asked where the employee restrooms were. I was told that there were no employees restrooms, gender-neutral or ‘family’ bathrooms, this was not good, I panicked a little in my head. My last store had single room bathrooms in the back, I thought every Target did, or at least had a family restroom due to the fact that the place is packed with kids all day, but no, nothing. A Mens room and a Womens room at the very front of the store, right next to the cash registers where at just about any time of the day 25+ people are just standing around.

To be honest, I was worried at first, but for the first few months I wasn’t getting many hours and whenever I went to the stores around the Target I was always able to use their restrooms whenever I needed. There were a couple times when I took breaks early or was late to return because there was a line or something to the Peet’s Coffee bathroom, but I never really stressed out until very recently. I’ve been keeping healthier and working longer shifts, and the hormones are starting to have a bit more profound of an effect on me, and part of that being needing to pee more often.

One day about 3 hours into my shift my body decides it really needs to pee, it was a hot day so I was drinking water, nothing out of the ordinary. I’m by myself in Electronics, the other girl was on lunch and so I walked to see if anyone else could cover. No one responded, so I just waited, crossing my legs, keeping my hands busy until I could get covered. Half an hour of doing the “potty dance” and she finally comes back, I throw my keys at her and head over to Peets, the bathroom has a huge line. CVS? Bathrooms locked, took the lady 5 minutes to unlock the door to the out-of-order single-room restroom. Someone has the keys to the AMPM bathroom, and I’ve been gone for 20 minutes on a 15 min. break so I call work from my cell, tell them I’ll be back eventually, and I’m literally at risk of wetting my pants at this point and my kidneys feel like someone did the Eagle Claw on them like that old Danny Bonaduce infomercial.

I’d like to clarify a couple things in this story, a little background I guess. I can’t use public restrooms. I’ve been harassed, stared at, threatened and followed for using public restrooms, being called out in a women’s room is a big fear for transgirls, a worst nightmare situation. I also worked with 300+ men and women, many I didn’t know and many pretty tough and not accepting of trans-people, these individuals ignored me, and I considered to be on friendly terms with everyone there, but I used the women’s room one time there around when I first started, and saw a 180 in many of the women’s behavior around me, one more time and I could end up in a creek again. It’s clearly not a safe situation, no matter how well I pass as a girl, that’s why they have gender neutral restrooms!!!

The other thing is a little obvious, but I love diapers, I love wearing them, wetting them, I fantasize about losing control, bedwetting etc. But this is real life, not a fantasy, and I wasn’t thinking anything about wetting or anything, all I wanted was a toilet. I’m expecting people to E-mail and say that the solution would be wearing a diaper, but I still have never found a diaper I could 100% trust, plus I would go from wearing cute clothes to bulky formless clothes because I would have to wear a Abri-Form or something. Diapers are not a real-life solution for this problem, and my recent need to pee more isn’t due to “untraining”, but now that I’m not working directly with the public anymore, that might be an idea, but I don’t know if I ever want to go through what I did at work, I seriously think I damaged my kidneys.

I walked a couple blocks further to a Panda Express and made it clear that I NEEDED to use their restroom, and they let me, even though they forced me to buy a 3$ SOBE. I walked back to work feeling light, and still feeling like I kinda needed to pee, but more than anything I felt angry with target for not having a bathroom. I walked to the back office after being gone for close to an hour, and walked directly to my bosses office and gave him a “ok, time for a talk” look. I told him my issue, and after almost a month of emails, calls, meetings, reports, I quit. The best thing they could come up with was every time I wanted to use the restroom they’d clear it out and have someone stand by the door, which is not cool. I have an interview with OSHA about this on Feb. 25th 2010, the earliest they could get me in, and haven’t pursued anything legally, I’ve done research on my rights here, and I’m pretty sure there’s nothing I can do.

So I left, I was making minimum wage plus 10 cents, I was starting to get some pretty stalker-esq customers who would come in looking just for me, and people who just act pervy and creepy. I guess that’s just part of being a woman, but being a trans-girl makes it that much more dangerous. I had also been threatened by a group of big teenagers that comes into the store all the time, which makes me sound pathetic, but I’m pretty small and kids these days are pretty vigilant. I’m an unemployed girl right now, but I’ve got big things in store, and look forward to seeing this site flourish, as well as myself. I’m probably in the worst financial situation I’ve ever been in, but I’m starting to really explore my life, my future, my sexuality and my creativity more than ever. So needless to say, adversity breeds inspiration, and I’m going to overcome all the bad stuff, the drama, the fear, its all over now and things are just going to get better and better!

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the how of the hormones

About 6 months ago I reconnected with an old friend, we went to Junior Prom together, and she was a stripper until she slipped off the stage and fell on a champagne glass, she works at Lowe’s now. I saw her chain-smoking and sucking down mimosas (at 11:00 AM, mind you) in front of a local café, so I stopped and chatted, she said her parents were paying for her therapist, a self described “glorified drug dealer”. She invited me to sit in on her session, which I declined at first, but after a mimosa or 2 I decided it might be interesting, plus I thought I might be able to convince/sucker him into signing off on my hormones. We goto the session, they chat for 5 minutes, and I get his card. I asked about the hormones, and he didn’t seem to have any clue but was open to hear what I had to say. I got his card and he said I seemed like a relatively sane person, which was a plus.

At this point in the process I had found a doctor that was able to give hormone prescriptions, had seen an Endocrinologist to get my bill of good health, and now just needed to convince my doctor I was good to go. Some life stuff happened, and I waited a month or so to contact the therapist, I had just started getting healthcare through my employer and was very excited to start the change. I called the therapist, and he told me that he would give me the go ahead if I came in for a session after talking to him like a person, not as a patient, for about 10 minutes. I felt very confident as a girl speaking with him, and he treated me as a girl, as opposed to as a transgirl like my previous therapist. Things were going very well.

In that week is when the death threat happened at Target, and I fell into a depression for a bit, mostly about potentially losing my healthcare. I couldn’t afford to see the therapist, and since my doctor already had my insurance stuff I hoped that my insurance still stayed, which it did. I went in, somewhat lied about seeing a therapist, and my somewhat clueless Dr. wrote me the prescription for Estrogen. I ran to the Rite-aid like little Charlie Bucket with his golden ticket, and made an appointment to see her in a month. I came in for that appointment, I felt fine and nothing changed, so it was a quick in and out. I haven’t seen her since. Planned Parenthood in my town is where I plan to get my hormones from now on, I’ve been hoping to get Spiro, but can’t afford the tests at the moment, I currently am without insurance and jobless and don’t really know when I’ll have insurance again, thank god for Planned Parenthood, right?

So this is the WHOLE story of my hormones, I don’t really know where I’m going to go from here, I have another 8 months of Estrogen, and will probably ramp up the dosage before then. I really have no idea what the right thing to do is, so I’m putting a lot of faith in these doctors, lets hope everything works out!

Big Red Bullsye

Hello friends, this post is a dark tale and isn’t terribly flattering… Enjoy!

Life has been a little mixed up and I’ve been in a pretty awful financial situation, and I think it might be taking a toll on my health. Both of the ear pieces of my glasses are broken, I can’t afford to fix it so I’ve been getting awful headaches, the worst I’ve ever had. I’m hoping its the glasses, and not the hormones or that I’ve been grinding my teeth about my job. Plus I got mugged, but I’ve convinced myself that I’m over it. But these are all exterior things, and now i’m finally in a position where I can talk about some of the things that I’ve been going through at work, so here’s what I’ve been dealing with for the last year… ugh.

I recently left my job at Target, where I worked for over a year. I started working there when I moved back to California, I need a job quick and it was close to my residence. I had an interview on a Wednesday, drug test on Friday, training on Saturday and was on the floor by Sunday, they wanted to hire me quick, and were pretty happy to have someone knowledgeable in electronics, there were 7 electronics team members (TM’s) in a store of at least 200 TM’s, and only 1 other person who had any consumer electronics experience, my team leader didn’t know what a router or optical mouse was. I was happy though, it was a job and a way to get back on my feet after my exploration of the east-coast, though it was apparent I was overqualified and was often asked “why do you work here?”. I think I enjoyed the gratification of being smarter than most everyone I worked with, at least when it came to electronics, but that gratification wasn’t really very healthy.

When I applied I wore a suit and a tie, It was basically the only way I could get a job, every other place I’ve worked I’ve started as a guy and then “had the discussion” with a manager, and then everything’s been kosher after that. I’ve never been hired as a transgendered person and I’ve been turned down at some pretty menial jobs due to the M on my driver’s license or my masculine legal name. I needed to be a guy to get hired, so I played the part. My bosses had no problem calling me by my chosen name, I stayed very androgynous, always shaved my face and arms, I just didn’t wear anything too tight or too cute or feminine, which was hard to do after living as a girl for so long, but it was for my own safety. I didn’t have transportation and would often ride my bike, walk or take transit to work, so being a girl could be dangerous. Still, I expressed myself femininely in little ways, until it got bad.

My duties were basically just customer service and making my chunk of the store nice, but I also held keys. I had been knocked over by a guy trying to steal an PS3 once, and the same with some portable DVD players, but that was just people jacking stuff and had nothing to do with me personally, I just had the keys. What happened one evening in early Dec. 2008 and the events that followed was because I’m trans, because of the way I look and sound. I was alone in electronics and we had a small crew that night, 1 Target Protective Services (TPS) guy and an Asset Protection (AP) guy as our Executive Team Leader (ETL). Knowing the lingo makes the story easier to tell, it also illustrates how everyone is reduced to acronyms, a bit dehumanizing. Ideally, if anything happens I’m supposed to call TPS over and they’re supposed to protect me

That’s exactly what didn’t happen when a group of 5 Russian guys came into my section, started opening sodas, using guitar hero boxes as furniture and gathering around and being really rough with the PS3. I pretty much left them alone and discretely tried to contact TPS to let them know that stuff was getting broken/stolen. After about 5 minutes of trying to get a hold of TPS or any manager with no success, literally walkie silence, I was on the right channel and everything. 2 of the guys came up to me and started asking me intrusive questions about my gender, and just generally being dicks, and if anyone else tried to ask for help they would be rude to them, I was in a very hostile situation and there was no sign of anyone coming to help.

15 minutes since they started bossing me around, a soft lines (clothes) team member found the ETL after hearing my pleas, she later said it sounded like I was about to cry, like a horror movie. The TPS guy was on break and the ETL had him go over and kick the guys out, so he goes over and basically just stands there, the guys get the idea and start to leave, and one of them called me a “Snitch Faggot” on the way out. It was a crappy ordeal, but no report was filed or anything, and I pretty much forgot about it in the hectic nature of a Target at Christmas, and I saw them a couple times before that. I didn’t see them again until January 28th 2009 when some bad stuff happened.

I was walking to work in the rain, on my left was a busy 2-lane street on a curvy street, and on my right a creek with an 8 foot or so vertical incline leading into a rushing muddy creek. I had my uniform on under my jacket and an umbrella, you could see my read polo shirt and beige pants if you were looking. I saw these guys coming towards me on the same side of the street, I wasn’t going to cross the street and I totally recognized them, and they did me. I just kept walking, kept looking down tried not to make eye contact, until we pass each other, and the guy closest to me clearly says “Target Bitch”, trips and pushes me down towards the creek. I managed to grab his arm and try to hold on, slipperiness got the best of me and I stumbled backwards and fell into the creek.

It all happened really fast, and I managed to crawl out near a bridge about 30 feet away. I was about a mile from my house, a random Samaritan with some dogs let me ride in the back of her truck, I was pretty much a mess. I went to the cops, talked to my work, nothing was really done, I couldn’t stop working and if those douchebags ever came to my work again they’d arrest the guy who did it. That whole part of town was Russian-owned, and I had had previous run-in with anti-gay protesters from a local Russian church at my previous job, but nothing hostile. I started walking to work in different ways and leaving at different times just in case, bought some pepper spray, tried to get over it. I’ve had quite a few awful things happen to me for no real reason, kinda toughened me up, and I continued working there. Until July 1st someone posted this on Yelp.com reviewing my Target, yes, I always check the Yelps at any place I work because I like having my ego stroked and seeing if people mention me. This is not what I wanted to see.

“this little faggot named ashley is going to get his ass beat next time i see the bitch try to call security on me see what its got you your dead faggot ill be waiting outside pussy bitch watch your back”

I had a panic attack pretty much, It brought back some pretty negative memories, and I took it as a clear threat, not just some Internet bullying. I had some money saved up and got some help from donations, thanks again, and was free to take some time off until I could get Target to transfer me. I was really upset with how they handled it, and I have a decent sized list of occasions when the TPS officers have been slow to react, resulting in making me a target for hostility. After a month of consulting whoever I could, threats, sending certified letters and retelling the whole ordeal over and over, I finally got transferred to a different Target.

I was really excited, I enjoy customer service and did very well at Target, always getting good surveys and selling attachments and credit cards, and never had any conflicts with other TM’s. I was excited to be back at work, and in the time I was unemployed, I started hormones, and this blog. I was most looking forward to working as a girl, and since I was on hormones I was more confident as a girl and with expressing myself as a girl to hundreds of people a day, but also knowing I was working with hundreds of people that knew I was trans, but everyone seemed nice so I wasn’t terribly worried, I was brave and happy. My first day at my new Target was about 3 months ago, and to be honest, I had 2 really good months of working there, but it got bad. Let’s talk about that later, shall we? That’s the whole story of what happened, my next post will be about how I got hormones, and then I’ll finish my Target tale. More stuff soon.

never been to me

oh this brings me back

Here’s a solid gold version, including a bit of backstory and the super-cheesy narrative section…

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It’s a lie
a fantasy we created about people and places
as we like them to be
but you know what truth is?
it’s that little baby you’re holding
and it’s that man you fought with this morning
the same one you are gonna make love to tonight
that’s truth that’s love

This comes after the “and I’ve seen some things that a womans not supposed to see” part. I first found this song through my ex-boyfriend, the college professor whom I met at teh indie theatre I worked at. I saw Scotland, PA (MacBeth at a fastfood joint) with him and we both really liked this song. Brings back lots of memories…

Both songs are pretty over-dramatic and over emotional, that kind of Olivia Newton John/Joni Mitchell stuff that I love so much. Get what you can from the lyrics, its easy to pick out little bits of songs like these and relate to them, and the latter song is much deeper than the former. Anyway, more stuff about my life tomorrow, I never got a chance to finish that story, I’ve been out-of-town to collect myself, look forward to stuff soon.

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grab that bucket

Look at this –

I found this instant sub at Target, if a sale item runs out they print an instant substitute for a similar item, so budgeting folks can still get sale items. This one I found to be a little interesting/brutal, they’re basically saying if Target’s out of Poise Pads, the kind that goes in panties for mild incontinence, you can still get the bed pads, which are the giant “puppy pads” that you sleep on in case you have a leaky diaper. That’s pretty bad, its like if they had a sale on tampons and they substituted them for shop towels. Anyway, just something I noticed, and something I could phone-post.

Check out letsgetsrs.blogspot.com, there’s some new stuff on there and look forward to a big post soon about my first hand experiences about my love/hate situation with Target…

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therapissed

About 2 years ago when I was getting hot & heavy about starting my transition, I was required by my doctor to see a therapist, so I found the closest “sexual” therapist, the only one in the phonebook that would even consider seeing a trans-patient. I went on my own want and desires to transition and used my own money, took a very long bike-ride and bus-trip to her office, I was sweaty and tired but still did a little bit of make-up and looked very cute, and very passable. This was the first mental health professional I had ever seen, but I’ve seen every episode of Dr. Katz a hyperbole amount of times so I kinda knew what to expect?

Upon entering the pavilion, I gave my last name to the receptionist, she looked up and said my masculine first name at the same time, and she immediately turned red. She shuffled some papers and and corrected herself by calling me the name I set the appointment with as opposed to the name my insurance has, ok, bad start I waited in a huge open-air pavilion nervous, afraid and very self conscious., I see a small, Dr. Ruth (I will address her as such) looking older lady come out of an office, she goes to the desk and speaks with the receptionist in hushed tones, the receptionist points, Dr. Ruth turns and gives me a long stare and then continues with the receptionist. Finally Dr. Ruth turns to address me, and I stand and find myself in a strong handshake, the kind a big brother would give to her little sister, my hand delicate in her firm Austrian mitts.

I follow her to her office and sit down in a loud leather couch, unlike the stereotypical therapist room, it felt more like a job interview, her at a large desk almost out of ear-shot of a couch too short to lay on. We had spoken on the phone for a few minutes before, I had asked her how she felt about seeing a transgendered individual, and she assured me that even though she’s not an expert, she has seen similar patients and that she specializes as a sexual therapist. I wanted to talk to her about sex as much as I want to have the same chat with my grandma. I’ve known plenty of older kinky people and think age is no barrier for gettin’ it on, but my Dr. Ruth put out a very stern vibe, like the only people she talked about sex with were old married couples who consider a fuckfest a blowjob during the commercials of Everybody Loves Raymond.

But I digress, Dr. Ruth and I made small talk, and she asked me what I expected out of therapy, and I said I thought I was ready to transition, I’m healthy and ready to start, I just needed her approval. She asked me if I had a partner, and I said no, she asked me about my sexual past, and I mentioned how I had been in a relationship with a college professor for many years that just recently ended, and she stopped me to point out how unhealthy she thought that was, and it seemed she thought humans didn’t do terribly well on their own, everyone should have a partner. My relationship with my ex was unhealthy because I was underaged but it started out of mentorship and turned into some sort of love. I’m older now and legitimately attracted to older, mature guys, like many young woman. I broke-up with my ex because he dated me when I was so young, but we still never had sex until I was 18. She frowned at the whole concept and continued to ask me questions about my EX, and from then on she looked at me like a golddigging whore, even asking if I had become a prostitute at any point, “because a lot of girls like you go that route”. STRIKE 1, big time, I almost walked out.

I asked her what relevance my EX had to do with my current transitioning, and she became defensesive, telling me that therapy explores subjects that can make you uncomfortable, and healing only happens if you let it. I didn’t go to a therapist for healing, I went to a therapist to talk about solutions, and mostly a compassionate ear, but I kept quiet and she started asking about my parents, which I nervously answered, just basic questions about my life and not about transitioning. She asked “what prescription medication are you on” as opposed to “are you taking any prescription medicines”, which was a bit accusatory, I wasn’t on any medication and didn’t plan to be. She also asked if I took recreational drugs, I told her I smoked pot and she went into a long diatribe about how marijuana is a drug for idiots and how it leads to suicide and depression and heroin. I know marijuana isn’t the best thing for your mental health, but it’s done wonders for me in some ways, and hurt me in others, but her vigilance against it was Strike 2.

After listening to her Red Ribbon Club noise and silently nodding my head, she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. At this point in my life I was much less open about my AB/DL side, I thought this might be a chance to feel less stressed about it. I mentioned that I like to be a little girl sometimes, and wear diapers, my version of meditating etc. She had no idea what this was, and seemed rather creeped out by it. I told her that there probably a million+ people in the world that are AB/DL in one way or another, and that I would love to find a Daddy, an older man who like to play the Daddy role, diaper changes, reading stories, spankings, etc, not all the time, but someone who digs that stuff like I do. She straight-up said “That is a totally an unrealistic expectation”. Strike three, I’m out.

I lied through my teeth by agreeing with her, and didn’t bring it up again, I waited for the session to end, left and never looked back. She made a very insensitive assumption about something she knew absolutely nothing about, I didn’t even remotely trust her and I felt like a complete fool the entire appointment. I’m sure there are better therapists out there, but that really turned me off to the field. Most people are pretty mentally unstable, some are better at hiding it than others, and therapists are so good at hiding it they can get paid to teach others. I was very bummed out after this experience, and haven’t seen a therapist since. So how did I get hormones? You’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out 😛