Day 11: love gone cold

Day 11 of being 24/7

Wow, I slept ALLLL day yesterday, cleaned the house, ran errands, just wore diapers all day, nothing exciting happened, wore about 5 tenas 😛 Today I woke up at 7 or so, I’m an early riser, theres something in me that makes me wake up at 7 or 8 every morning. When I wake I do this stretch with my feet while laying down where I push out the heels and arch back the toes to relieve stress in the calf muscle. It was so satisfying that I wet my diapers right there, I was lying on my back and I didn’t leak, and the comfy-ness of the wet cloth made me feel all smiley and happy, I fell right back asleep. I woke up around 10 in a still warm cloth didee, it was nice 🙂 My ex-boyfriend, the Dr., the one person I’ve ever given the boyfriend title to (in public I was generally introduced as his daughter) He used to call me his little furnace, I guess I emit alot of heat, enough to keep a wet diaper warm or the fires of contempt burning from a long-dead relationship.

Sorry, I ran into him tonight at a local film scene mixer, I pretty much just avoid him, he says how good I look and I give him a hug, he sneaks a kiss, and thats it, we return to our separate schmoozes. I didn’t dress terribly cute tonight, I was tired and all the faces are familiar, half the room knows me from when I was doing the Tower records training videos, aka – ‘back in the day’. I wore a Tranquility ATN Small under a pink polo and a black and pink skirt, flats, some blush and eye shadow and a tiny bit of gloss. I was going to leave and meet some friends from the trip at a hookah bar, but my ex handed me a glass of champagne and asked if I wanted to join him outside for one of his imported cigarettes. He knows I don’t really drink or smoke anymore, but I’ve been going to the mixer for 8 years, and cuddling up at night with him for 5 of them, its easy to break rules with old friends.

We went out onto the balcony of the Sheraton, it was windy and cold and the pool was covered and furniture stacked. We talked, or rather, he talked, as it often ended up, he always had something to say to either argue or trump whatever you said. I started feeling lightheaded from the cigarette, and I got a little closer to him, for warmth… right? I didn’t know what I was doing, but I am a pretty lonely girl, and he was my only one, my mentor, my friend and confidante. I really loved him, but I know we’ll never be together again, I just wanted to be close to him again for a minute, that old familiar sting. Things got quiet and I put my head on his chest, his hand found itself on the small of my back, moving me a little closer. His hold moved a little further down, I was looking in his eyes and could tell the exact moment when he realized I was diapered, one of the points of contention in our relationship. We exchange looks, first his excitement to have his arms around his girl again, then a look of disdain over feeling a plastic diaper instead of a little pair of panties, my look changed to a cute/embarrassed “well, you know I wear diapers” look, which illicited this response…

“To be honest, I thought you would have grown out of that by now”

I squeeze him hard for just a moment, the kind of hugs we used to give each other, and then I look him in the eyes and say with every ounce of dissapointment in my body, “oh Graham…” He knows I’m sensitive about my diapers and can be nervous wearing them around him, and I feel extra bad if he talks down to me about them, because he just thinks they’re gross and it makes me feel like a pervert. Our relationship ended for a rich tapestry of reasons, not just diapers, it’s a long story scattered throughout the posts of this blog, a coming of age story of young love and the things that happen in the dark of movie theatres. It hurts when someone tells you they love you unconditionally then throw you out on the street, when someone ::takes advantage:: of your heart, not just breaks it.

Back at the mixer, I toss out my champagne into a bush and walk back inside, leaving him to finish his cigarette, alone and cold without all those shiny happy people to tell him how great he is, then call him a pedo and a bore behind his back. I’ve always wanted to keep it real, be honest with myself and others and never make compromises, but with him I always felt like his meaning of life, it wasn’t growing and learning for him, it was about amassing control, power, but deep down he’s as afraid as the rest of us, maybe even more. I’ve been to the mountains and to the big city all in a couple days, the mountains don’t need lights or makeup, and its harder to get your heart broken… but the city is where I live, lose and love and where I shall remain, until California falls into the ocean.

4 thoughts on “Day 11: love gone cold

  1. Sounds like my wife every time she “catches me” wearing, even though I try not to be wet around her. Kind of difficult to ignore that she can't accept this part of me despite knowing about it prior to our marriage. *sigh*

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