Monthly Archives: March 2010
down but surely not out
Hey there internet! I’m here to say I’m one upset little muffin. I made a couple nice videos for you, and some for my SRS site, and even some private naughty ones, I was super-excited, and got really cute and made-up. This is my one day off this week, and I promised myself I would do bloggy stuff. Anyway, I did a bunch of videos, just now capturing them to find out the audio cuts out pretty consistently, the videos are unusable. I was pissed, because one of them was perfect but the last 30 seconds is gone, but its a pretty vital 30 seconds to the wholeness of the video. I’m bummed out, because it looks like just another thing I’m going to have to spend my hard earned money on, I can no longer trust this camera, and need to invest in external audio sooner than I thought I would. laaaame!!!
Yeah, I was angry at my computer, but one thing I did today was organize my data, somewhat of a spring cleaning, out with the old, so theres plenty of space and cohesion to all the new stuff I’m going to make. I have a commercial for a local venue in the works, bunch of new cool AB/DL stuff to show you. I’m excited about the future of this site 🙂
Back to the video. One of the things I mention is a steady theme in my life… I’m trying to find a balance, not to necessarily integrate my “private” life with my work life, but just to find harmony in them and to be able to manage my time and energy in a way where both of them work. It took a good couple months to get used to working as often as I have been, but I think I have a good thing going now. I asked for a full-plate, so I’m going to just go ahead and eat it. More stuff soon!!!
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Hey there! I’ve been slammed lately, I’m super-excited to be working so much, at first I was pretty paranoid about talking about specifics here but I realized I live in a town with 1000’s of places to get something to eat, so yeah, I work at a restaurant, I spend my days mostly running food, washing dishes and being friendly to people. The people around me are generally openminded, my coworkers at least have all surely met transgendered people and generally free of bigotry. I don’t forsee any issues concerning my gender, and this is a very rare and precious thing to find at a job. I actually feel like theres a great deal of potential where in my position, at least in the short term, I’ve bussed at restaurants and served beer and wine before, but I’m starting to learn more aspects of working in a bar/restaurant.
I’ve paid rent with most of my paychecks so far, I bought some new work clothes, took family out to celebrate, I’m finally starting to pay off my bills. I have the news to announce that my Dr. and I decided to up my hormone dose, I went from 2mg of the Estrogen to 4mg, and from 50mg of Spiro to 75mg a day, so I have had a touch of the morning sickness and everything again, but I still feel great and happy to be moving along with the process, this may be a good balance for me or I may go up more in the future. It’s been a week since I started and I feel just as lovely as ever when it comes to my emotional state. I’ve had some ups and downs, some nervousness and confidence issues, but I’m trying my best not to get too stressed out about the social aspects of my life. Centering my mindset on other peoples perception of me is not the path to mental health but more the path to second guessing myself and re-living awkward situations over and over in my head and feeling the sting of regret over a poorly executed social interaction. Sometimes a joke falls flat or I do something that makes me feel silly, or mess up in some manner at my job where I have to apologize or am talked down to by a guest, I just have to suck it up and not let my emotions get the best of me.
On the topic of emotions, mine have been a bit all over the place, theres been some health issues with my close family, I spoke with my father for almost an hour today which is a rarity to begin with, the length of the conversation doubly so. Both of my parents have worked hard for both of their lives, and I don’t want to encounter the problems they’re having, though they are problems that I already have to some degree. Both mine and my moms back is in bad shape, and I’ve never been able to touch my toes, theres something to do with my spine/tailbone etc, but I lack some flexibility and though I’ve never really noticed any major back pain in my life, it does bother me now and then and something that could take a turn for the worse someday if I don’t continue expanding my knowledge of fitness/stretching. The second concern, which in my case is more severed, but the cartilage in the wrists of my fathers hands is non existent, and they just hurt really bad all the time, and surgery is required. I’ve broken my left wrist twice, and the growth plate on my right wrist once, so I already have pretty messed up wrists. They don’t bother me 24/7, but I’m always moments away from wrenching them in a way that will make them sore for weeks, and also my limited keyboard dexterity and general fear of staircases. I guess part of my tenacity to work and become successful is the pursuit of any child seeking approval.
I’ve managed to reconnect with my family and friends and start an awesome new job, my life is a big whirlwind of excitement. When I came back from the east coast I’ve been focusing more on the site than ever, and in that time I became distanced from many of my friends and family, and was working in a place that felt like a step back, a ring of hell, so I was just generally unhappy, this blog kept me going and I treasure many of the friendships that have come from it, and knowing that theres a bunch of great people out there following my life and times. Balance is the key to life, I will keep doing this site until my hands fall off and my tongue no longer wags, but sometimes its best to step away for a moment, and in the process hopefully find a balance. I came back to my family and friends a positive person after being away and just doing my own thing, and I feel more positive about our relationships now more than ever. Hopefully the same effect will happen here, I’m not just going to disappear, this means more to me than that! I’m getting in the swing of working as often as I have been, and I’m noticing I have more time in the evenings so I can hopefully start doing more video posts. I haven’t really had a paycheck to spend on a digital camera… my desk broke so things are in a crappy situation for computing, but I’m getting rid of my old bed and getting a hand-me-down but still nice futon, my room setup will be changing for the better. This is why I work, so I can have nice things, things that will allow me to flourish creatively. My “workstation” at the moment is not very friendly, its a 15” LCD from 2001 on a glass endtable with a large piece of missing out of it, I’m going to be getting a new one hopefully by the end of the month… the keyboard covers the sharp parts : O
That’s the wrap-up of my life, It’s my first day off of 8 straight days of working, and I’m glad I could sit down and write about my feelings. If you go away from this post with one thing in mind, is that everything’s eventual, I will keep writing regardless of if anyone is still reading, and I will take time away from this site, and I will feel awful about doing so. Life can be overwhelming and I don’t have a fancy blogging phone or laptop and video production is somewhat of a arduous process for me with my current set-up, but everything is coming together. Expect more hot bloggery both here and at letsgetsrs.blogspot.com, you will not be disappointed.
The sun is out here, and this little flower is starting to grow, spread her petals and be everything she can be. More to come!
whos that girl
who’s that cute little girl on the front page of ABUniverse.com?
who’s that cute little girl soaking in the sunshine?
who’s that cute little girl working her little diapered bottom off?
who’s that cute little girl???
It’s just me, little Riley, and I’m as happy as I’ve ever been! First, as I mentioned in my last post, I am considering upping my dosage of hormones, but my decision is based off of my blood test results and Dr. recommendation much more than it is off of my own desire to transition “faster” by upping the dosage. My life story may be writhe with treating my body like an amusement park, but I do treat myself with enough respect to make educated decisions when it comes to my transition. This blog is all about learning, every transitioning person experiences hormones differently, and what might be right for some might be too much or too little for others, this is why we have blood tests and appointments. All in all, if theres one thing I want to make clear,I may not be a encyclopedia transgendria but I’m not just winging it, this is a big thing in my life. I waited so long to start because I wanted to make sure it was right, and its all been relatively uphill since then.
If I were to describe myself in one way right now, it would be cuddle bunny. I’ve spent my nights with a cuddly padded bottom, my room is my little bit of heaven, imbued with the smell of baby powder welcoming me with color and stacks of my didees. I’ve been waking and wetting very often, where I wake up and hit the snooze and have a little drowsy wetting, this “little time” as I like to think of it is when I feel most like an AB, just a cute little diapergirl. My bottom is padded all the time still, it reminds me of my littleness, and I’m more confident in my diapers, I have a +4 charisma bonus when diapered…
That’s all for now, more stuff soon, I’m going to be heading to bed early tonight for an early morning at the Drs and a busy week, more stuff tomorrow, you’ll love it ❤