Hey there! I’ve been slammed lately, I’m super-excited to be working so much, at first I was pretty paranoid about talking about specifics here but I realized I live in a town with 1000’s of places to get something to eat, so yeah, I work at a restaurant, I spend my days mostly running food, washing dishes and being friendly to people. The people around me are generally openminded, my coworkers at least have all surely met transgendered people and generally free of bigotry. I don’t forsee any issues concerning my gender, and this is a very rare and precious thing to find at a job. I actually feel like theres a great deal of potential where in my position, at least in the short term, I’ve bussed at restaurants and served beer and wine before, but I’m starting to learn more aspects of working in a bar/restaurant.
I’ve paid rent with most of my paychecks so far, I bought some new work clothes, took family out to celebrate, I’m finally starting to pay off my bills. I have the news to announce that my Dr. and I decided to up my hormone dose, I went from 2mg of the Estrogen to 4mg, and from 50mg of Spiro to 75mg a day, so I have had a touch of the morning sickness and everything again, but I still feel great and happy to be moving along with the process, this may be a good balance for me or I may go up more in the future. It’s been a week since I started and I feel just as lovely as ever when it comes to my emotional state. I’ve had some ups and downs, some nervousness and confidence issues, but I’m trying my best not to get too stressed out about the social aspects of my life. Centering my mindset on other peoples perception of me is not the path to mental health but more the path to second guessing myself and re-living awkward situations over and over in my head and feeling the sting of regret over a poorly executed social interaction. Sometimes a joke falls flat or I do something that makes me feel silly, or mess up in some manner at my job where I have to apologize or am talked down to by a guest, I just have to suck it up and not let my emotions get the best of me.
On the topic of emotions, mine have been a bit all over the place, theres been some health issues with my close family, I spoke with my father for almost an hour today which is a rarity to begin with, the length of the conversation doubly so. Both of my parents have worked hard for both of their lives, and I don’t want to encounter the problems they’re having, though they are problems that I already have to some degree. Both mine and my moms back is in bad shape, and I’ve never been able to touch my toes, theres something to do with my spine/tailbone etc, but I lack some flexibility and though I’ve never really noticed any major back pain in my life, it does bother me now and then and something that could take a turn for the worse someday if I don’t continue expanding my knowledge of fitness/stretching. The second concern, which in my case is more severed, but the cartilage in the wrists of my fathers hands is non existent, and they just hurt really bad all the time, and surgery is required. I’ve broken my left wrist twice, and the growth plate on my right wrist once, so I already have pretty messed up wrists. They don’t bother me 24/7, but I’m always moments away from wrenching them in a way that will make them sore for weeks, and also my limited keyboard dexterity and general fear of staircases. I guess part of my tenacity to work and become successful is the pursuit of any child seeking approval.
I’ve managed to reconnect with my family and friends and start an awesome new job, my life is a big whirlwind of excitement. When I came back from the east coast I’ve been focusing more on the site than ever, and in that time I became distanced from many of my friends and family, and was working in a place that felt like a step back, a ring of hell, so I was just generally unhappy, this blog kept me going and I treasure many of the friendships that have come from it, and knowing that theres a bunch of great people out there following my life and times. Balance is the key to life, I will keep doing this site until my hands fall off and my tongue no longer wags, but sometimes its best to step away for a moment, and in the process hopefully find a balance. I came back to my family and friends a positive person after being away and just doing my own thing, and I feel more positive about our relationships now more than ever. Hopefully the same effect will happen here, I’m not just going to disappear, this means more to me than that! I’m getting in the swing of working as often as I have been, and I’m noticing I have more time in the evenings so I can hopefully start doing more video posts. I haven’t really had a paycheck to spend on a digital camera… my desk broke so things are in a crappy situation for computing, but I’m getting rid of my old bed and getting a hand-me-down but still nice futon, my room setup will be changing for the better. This is why I work, so I can have nice things, things that will allow me to flourish creatively. My “workstation” at the moment is not very friendly, its a 15” LCD from 2001 on a glass endtable with a large piece of missing out of it, I’m going to be getting a new one hopefully by the end of the month… the keyboard covers the sharp parts : O
That’s the wrap-up of my life, It’s my first day off of 8 straight days of working, and I’m glad I could sit down and write about my feelings. If you go away from this post with one thing in mind, is that everything’s eventual, I will keep writing regardless of if anyone is still reading, and I will take time away from this site, and I will feel awful about doing so. Life can be overwhelming and I don’t have a fancy blogging phone or laptop and video production is somewhat of a arduous process for me with my current set-up, but everything is coming together. Expect more hot bloggery both here and at letsgetsrs.blogspot.com, you will not be disappointed.
The sun is out here, and this little flower is starting to grow, spread her petals and be everything she can be. More to come!