good friday

awww… I wrote a big post but need to put some finishing touches on it so I wanted to just post a little update. It’s my friday, very happy girl, had a very intense week full of conflict, drama, craziness at work. Its all over now, a soundtech friend of mine is coming over tonight to do sound for a few videos, i’m excited to actually put out a couple more videos and with this whole hotel thing it ‘ll be a bit before i can get my own audio stuff.

Sooooo thats going to be cool… I’ll be osting again soon, and to the folks who’ve contacted me through the button on the top, look forward to hearing from me before the weekend. Much love! More soon!

also… the band WHY? has been a bit of fascination lately… also, Islands.

Tenenbaum

Hey there world, its me again, back and comfy in my apartment. there was an issue with getting higher than the 2nd floor of my building, and all our stuff was relatively safe during the 2+ weeks we couldn’t get to it, but if there was a fire we would have lost everything. They let us grab all the important stuff before they started the repairs, but you always forget stuff 😦 At first I got my teddy bear, a suitcase full of diapers, a couple pacis, I left the stuff that I couldn’t get sample sizes of or loot from the hotel. I brought a bunch of clothes, and I also grabbed my twin size sheets, I have a queen in my room now and they kinda fit weird but I still use them, I like the plastic crinkly feeling of them and a very kind fan sent them to me so lots of positive feelings, plus I do wet the bed now and then…

Sooooo I get to the hotel, which is closer to my work than my place, so I’m kinda excited but still pretty pissed off at the whole situation. The room was ok, nice big comfy bed which was cool but a failure of a shower and a “flat-screen” CRT with limited inputs. The best thing about the whole situation was the bed… it was tall and comfy and though i only had them do the laundry a few times, it was always crisp and fluffy. Its not that this bed was so great, its that the bed at my apartment is so awful. I also took off the bottom sheets off of the bed and put my bedwetting sheets on and they actually washed them and put them back on. I didn’t wet and couldn’t imagine doing that in someone else’s “place”, but it was a nice little extra thing and they fit soooo well on the hotel bed.

Anyway, I have much more to reflect on, but I must leave you for now. Stay happy, diapered, and no that even the little wacky things life throws at us can easily be overcome, and everything goes back to normal or better, all with the help of positivity 🙂

time spent

so my apartment got condemned for one reason or another, i’ll explain later (it has to do with stairs) but i’ve been living in a hotel for the last few 8 days, paying out the ass but will be reimbursed, just have to put off any progress in my life until the 23rd when *hopefully* I’ll be able to move back in and get all my stuff. I hate my life sometimes, but I feel really good and i still have plenty of diapers 🙂

I’ve had the first 2 (!!!) wet dreams that I can remember in the last few days, work is great and I’m feeling prettier and happier than I ever have, regardless of the shitty situation, kinda feels like a vacation and I’m closer to work. I want to explore some of the nostalgia i’ve been feeling lately, look forward to more stuff, I’ve written lots of stuff, i just havent posted it, its not fleshed out yet really. Anyway, hotel computer sucks but I just had to post post post… this is my 6th straight day of working, so i’m off!!! Much love, and more sooooon!!! I didn’t fall off the face of the earth, and I anticipated this to happen, just not in this way.

lets talk about diapers!

Hey there internet friends! I believe that I have throughly explained my intentions, thoughts, plans and aspirations, as well as why I’m not doing things like pictures and video for just now, and that I’m going to start again before you know it.For now we’ll just hqve to huddle together around the candlelight and talk about diapers.

First off, I’m still pretty much doing the 24/7 thing, though hardly ever wetting. Diapers are just my choice of underwear at the minute, they are comfy and when I wear them I just feel so much more secure than I do in just a thin pair of panties. Of course the benefit of adding a little more padding to my bottom is nice, I don’t really have that hourglass figure *yet*. I guess more than anything, it just feels nice, gives me confidence, makes me feel more like a girl, and keeps everything tightly wrapped up down there. I don’t wet at work, theres no reason to, and its just not something I want to do. Right when I get home, hand on the doorknob, I’ll wet if I’m wearing a diaper i’m confident in. I have been wetting in the mornings mostly, its nice to wake up, wet my didee and then push the snooze button just once, and get a couple moments of zen babygirl time, then off to my big girl life and job. I get out of the shower and make sure to put on a diaper under my pants, lately its been almost entirely the Tena Smalls, Abri-Form Small or boys goodnites. I’m kinda getting rid of the goodnites, I’m hoping to eventualyl buy a pack of small bambinos or attends or something that I can wear under my clothes, I’m starting to run out of diapers I like but still have a big stack of goodnites to go through.

That’s my little diaper-round up for the moment, I have some cool new AB/DL clothes to show off and more stuff to write about regarding my transition. Hope all is well out there, hope everyones staying padded, happy and confident in your nappies 🙂 I’ll leave you with my favorite joke as of late, from a very cool song from a very cool band. ❤ much love!!!

A robot walks into a bar
orders a drink
lays down a bill
The bartender says, hey we don’t serve robots
and the robot says, oh but someday you will

C.R.E.A.M.

I’ve been working my cute little bottom off so I can invest in things that will lead to a rewarding career and enable me to make more content. 

I’m thinking a new camera is going to be the first big purchase, possibly an external audio source for current video camera, but I need decent video camera and a decent still camera. I’ve been trying to do the day by day picture thing, but I have to borrow my roomates camera… I don’t need an SLR or anything, just something I can carry around and use to take a daily picture of my development. One of those netbooks with the webcams in them so I can broadcast from the road is probably the second big thing, and then I’ve been thinking about buying my first “I-Product”, an Ipod touch or whatever the best for blogger/skype is… maybe a droid… any advice? I don’t really care for cell phone plans etc but I’m tired of not being able to check the internet wherever I want, interesting stuff happens to me all the time and I’m not getting the chance to share it with you guys. I think a new set of cameras, a netbook and a little internet gadget thing will really make my posting rate go up exponentially, I’m hardly ever home so I hardly ever post, I have a pretty hefty editing computer that needs another stick of 2gig DDR2 ram to run Premiere CS4 so that will be my very next purchase. This month is one of those awesome months with 3 paychecks, I’m paying off some small debts and bills, and then I’ll be able to afford some stuff to really get my internet communication going.

I’ve been working my cute little bottom off so I can invest in things that will lead to a rewarding career and enable me to make more content. 
Keep telling yourself that, Riley, someday you’ll be happy…

I think for the first time in my life, I’m facing the potential to be happy. I have a pretty decent job, making decent money and don’t forsee any potholes in the future. As you can tell from the first paragraph, I’ve been lusting after possessions much like the other billions of people in the work force. I want things, because I go through 8 hours of noise most days so I can have nice things and reach my goals. At least I don’t want anything terribly ridiculous like spinning rims or Fabergé eggs. One thing that has improved is my eating habits, I can afford decent fruits and veggies, good juices and teas and I even made a lasagna the other day after buying some much needed spices and cheeses. After I have all this settled, after all the *required* things have been purchased (tech/food/new clothes)  I’ll start paying for things like Laser Hair Removal and saving up for my transition. My life feels kinda awesome right now… but unfortunately I need to hop in the shower, put on a fresh, clean didee and head off to work! Much love from your little girl, and more stuff soon, I have to run, cash rules everything around me!

Awareness vs. Exposure

Thoughts are swirling around my head, creating new ideas and trying my best to figure out this whole blog situation. My issue isn’t just with the *mandatory* FTP migration from blogger, or setting up a new site, or even the camera difficulties, but just the overall “mission” of why I put this sort of media out there, why I’m so public about my AB/DL side. I’ve been meditating on it for quite some time, spent many mornings watching the sunrise trying to figure out a way to be Riley Kilo and still have a personal life and career. Just last night, a friend was talking about networking with “the 100’s of people we meet everyday” to find a new, better job, and I think something kinda clicked in my dome.

Awareness is the understanding of something, easy example would be if you are a business that is “AB/DL aware” you are generally friendly with AB/DL people, or at least they are familiar and somewhat accepting. Awareness is what I’m trying to promote, because awareness leads to compassion, sometimes it takes generations to gain compassion from the populous, but sometimes it just takes one good example. Matthew Shepard was one such example that raised a great amount of awareness at the loss of a persons life. The enemy of Awareness is ignorance, which is the reaction to not being aware, not understanding something. I’ve always been a strong believer in “the best way to change others is to change yourself”, basically a social “the best offense is a good defense”. For that reason, i’m not trying to fight ignorance as much as I’m trying to build awareness.

Exposure is the King Baby episode of CSI, an AB appearance on Tyra Banks, or that scene from “Shoot Em’ Up”. It can be good, it can be bad, but I see it as generally unwelcome, like advertisements or anything that is actively promoted, even if its something you are interested in its still comes across as forced. The last thing I need to define is balance, its the means to happiness and progress, it is comfort and confidence in what you are doing, something you want to maintain in all aspects of your life. Oh, wait, one last thing, our “Mulagatani” is a vegan soup made with coconut milk and a yellow curry base.

In my search for balance, I’ve realized my exposure is too high, and my awareness is too low. I make tons of material, but its scattered and incohesive. Starting fresh has given me a chance to add structure to my thoughts and videos. I’m going to be leaving youtube, its just not the right place to have adult content, even if its tame, its still adult content, youtube is a place to tell the story of my transition, not for discussing some of my more private activities. Dprtube and Xtube and places like that are where that content should be now that YouTube went and installed a ball pit…

I never use this word, its not part of my vocabulary and my life, but I truly fear being accused of willfully exposing sexual material to children/the unwilling, so I’m just going to steer clear. Other than the kids on youtube, many of the 18+ people on youtube haven’t the maturity to understand our lifestyle as something harmless and between consenting adults. These people I would define as “stupid”… someone once said “Ignorance is one thing, but our society thrives increasingly on stupidity. It depends on people going along with whatever they are told. The media promotes a cultivated stupidity as a posture that is not only acceptable but laudable.” These people are reactionary and fundamentalists, therefore, it is best to just avoid them, let parades and “Employee Awareness Weekends” teach these people. Lowering my exposure will mean meeting more of the right kind of people. I need a community right now, I don’t need negativity and harassment. This site is ad-free and I don’t profit share on youtube, I do this because the voice in me that wants to make the world a better place and change something and yes, be remembered. That voice gets really loud sometimes and telling people my story is the only thing I can think of for now, and I know the more I do that the more people I’ll meet and maybe something really great could happen. This sort of thought always seemed starry-eyed and unrealistic to me, but things are different now.

Goodbye youtube, goodbye spam and poor grammar! Of course, I don’t have anything new to post right now, but c’mon, I’m working my cute little bottom off to get my life going, you should be proud of me! Of course I’m going to keep posting, I just needed to step away for a bit… To be honest, I’m not really happy with many of my older videos, I never really had the right tools to make decent videos, but I did anyway. I don’t regret anything but I want to move forward and focus on making new content thats up to the same standards as the things I put my actual name on. Sorry for breaking the third wall, but I want to be honest, won’t do it again, I promise 😛

It’s a good thing, I’m doing some spring cleaning, and its getting deeper than I thought. I will leave you to your sunshine, snow or dark of night, the sun here isn’t making it through the clouds today, and the rain might come out but thats ok. Know that I’ll be here for a while, that the tone will follow my moods, from serious to flirty to silly to cute, most of all, know that this is a change for the better, I’m working towards an awesome future!