Thoughts are swirling around my head, creating new ideas and trying my best to figure out this whole blog situation. My issue isn’t just with the *mandatory* FTP migration from blogger, or setting up a new site, or even the camera difficulties, but just the overall “mission” of why I put this sort of media out there, why I’m so public about my AB/DL side. I’ve been meditating on it for quite some time, spent many mornings watching the sunrise trying to figure out a way to be Riley Kilo and still have a personal life and career. Just last night, a friend was talking about networking with “the 100’s of people we meet everyday” to find a new, better job, and I think something kinda clicked in my dome.
Awareness is the understanding of something, easy example would be if you are a business that is “AB/DL aware” you are generally friendly with AB/DL people, or at least they are familiar and somewhat accepting. Awareness is what I’m trying to promote, because awareness leads to compassion, sometimes it takes generations to gain compassion from the populous, but sometimes it just takes one good example. Matthew Shepard was one such example that raised a great amount of awareness at the loss of a persons life. The enemy of Awareness is ignorance, which is the reaction to not being aware, not understanding something. I’ve always been a strong believer in “the best way to change others is to change yourself”, basically a social “the best offense is a good defense”. For that reason, i’m not trying to fight ignorance as much as I’m trying to build awareness.
Exposure is the King Baby episode of CSI, an AB appearance on Tyra Banks, or that scene from “Shoot Em’ Up”. It can be good, it can be bad, but I see it as generally unwelcome, like advertisements or anything that is actively promoted, even if its something you are interested in its still comes across as forced. The last thing I need to define is balance, its the means to happiness and progress, it is comfort and confidence in what you are doing, something you want to maintain in all aspects of your life. Oh, wait, one last thing, our “Mulagatani” is a vegan soup made with coconut milk and a yellow curry base.
In my search for balance, I’ve realized my exposure is too high, and my awareness is too low. I make tons of material, but its scattered and incohesive. Starting fresh has given me a chance to add structure to my thoughts and videos. I’m going to be leaving youtube, its just not the right place to have adult content, even if its tame, its still adult content, youtube is a place to tell the story of my transition, not for discussing some of my more private activities. Dprtube and Xtube and places like that are where that content should be now that YouTube went and installed a ball pit…
I never use this word, its not part of my vocabulary and my life, but I truly fear being accused of willfully exposing sexual material to children/the unwilling, so I’m just going to steer clear. Other than the kids on youtube, many of the 18+ people on youtube haven’t the maturity to understand our lifestyle as something harmless and between consenting adults. These people I would define as “stupid”… someone once said “Ignorance is one thing, but our society thrives increasingly on stupidity. It depends on people going along with whatever they are told. The media promotes a cultivated stupidity as a posture that is not only acceptable but laudable.” These people are reactionary and fundamentalists, therefore, it is best to just avoid them, let parades and “Employee Awareness Weekends” teach these people. Lowering my exposure will mean meeting more of the right kind of people. I need a community right now, I don’t need negativity and harassment. This site is ad-free and I don’t profit share on youtube, I do this because the voice in me that wants to make the world a better place and change something and yes, be remembered. That voice gets really loud sometimes and telling people my story is the only thing I can think of for now, and I know the more I do that the more people I’ll meet and maybe something really great could happen. This sort of thought always seemed starry-eyed and unrealistic to me, but things are different now.
Goodbye youtube, goodbye spam and poor grammar! Of course, I don’t have anything new to post right now, but c’mon, I’m working my cute little bottom off to get my life going, you should be proud of me! Of course I’m going to keep posting, I just needed to step away for a bit… To be honest, I’m not really happy with many of my older videos, I never really had the right tools to make decent videos, but I did anyway. I don’t regret anything but I want to move forward and focus on making new content thats up to the same standards as the things I put my actual name on. Sorry for breaking the third wall, but I want to be honest, won’t do it again, I promise 😛
It’s a good thing, I’m doing some spring cleaning, and its getting deeper than I thought. I will leave you to your sunshine, snow or dark of night, the sun here isn’t making it through the clouds today, and the rain might come out but thats ok. Know that I’ll be here for a while, that the tone will follow my moods, from serious to flirty to silly to cute, most of all, know that this is a change for the better, I’m working towards an awesome future!