It’s funny, last week I was down and dark about life, decisions, money, direction.
Nothings changed, just my attitude, life is good and last night I dreamt about puppies.
Here’s a video I did on the 15th of this month, I plan to do another one, but I haven’t entirely wrapped my head around some of the events following this video. I’m still on hormones, still growing everyday, still learning, adapting, experiencing life. More stuff soon! (Below is the pic of me and Chaz Bono woooo)
Disappointing attempt to meet John Waters tonight, I have tomorrow morning off so I’m going to be posting some new stuff… my head is swirling, so many happy things, can’t wait to share them with you 🙂
I think we all agree that those old Nickelodeon VHS tapes were awesome and made watching stuff way better because they were orange.
My last post was a little scattered and dark, my brain has a way of making a faulty timeline, even though I never showed anyone my videos about the transconference but the positive emotions are there. The reason why I haven’t been uploading stuff is ENTIRELY due to my new not wanting to release garbage policy. The sounds all wacky, I’ve been wrestling with whats essentially a broken shell of a prosumer camera and tryed using my webcam to do videos, but theres all these wacky little problems that basically ruin videos, from audio synching to focus to my computer restarting. I guess the main reason why I’ve been down is that I always took pride in my ability to use computers and my expertise and familiarity with my camera, and all my stuff is just not working very well right now… frustrating. But all is well, I’ve finally figured out a way to do it successfully (GL2 for video, webcam for Sound) and I’ll be re-re-redoing a couple videos, and get out some of my thoughts feelings on the conference, show off some new stuff I’ve found in the diapered world, as well as start off the LetsGetSRS.com for real. As for MistressTrainsHerSissy.com, it’s no longer a project of mine, looking forward to starting a new site with some local talent. I’ve also been really interested in writing for theExperienceProject, something I’ve yet to do.
Just letting ya know whats coming up, going to the farmers market to sell some fruits and veggies to people who go home and make delicious healthy meals, then off to basically do the opposite, bring fully prepared meals to people sitting at a table just waitin’ for it. Just another rainy day while working towards a very sunshiny future, i’m definitely looking on the bright side of things, hope you are too, much love, and stay diapered 🙂
These past few days have been dark. The weather, my dreams, my feelings, everything has been dark, slow, unproductive, sad. I can rationalize it, and I have been, thats why I’ve just been working and sleeping , the only 2 things I can do. My shifts have been cut at my work for no apparent reason, got some new people, lots of tension at the work place, I’m pretty much broke and its ramen until the paycheck after next. My roomate was just accepted to a fancy college so were going to be going our seperate ways, his little girlfriend is basically living with us now, and its starting to really wear on me, having another female and another females stuff all around my stuff, she’s not really terribly friendly either, at first we were, but shes kinda got over that “being nice to roomates friend” thing and moved onto the “I own my boyfriend and anybody else can fuck off”, seen it happen before, to my roomate and to others.
I think the thiing that triggered my little bout of depression/introspection would be the 2010 transgendered leadership summit, which was hosted in a nearby city, I was kinda on the Host Committee and was there for most of the weeekend, I was surrounded by hundreds of transpeople, probably an even 50/50 mtf and ftm, the rest of the bunch being supporters and people of non-normative gender association. It was all quite eye opening, I’ve met many transpeople in my life, and all of them have always seemed like versions of myself if I drank and smoked for the next 20 years. On rare occasion did I meet positive people in the MtF community, all of my trans friends are FtM and frankly most of them aren’t great rolemodels. I was terribly excited to meet a ton of new people, but to be honest, I didn’t much identify with the leaders of the community either. We’re all just so different, I’m rough around the edges, I work in a fast pace place where we all swear, tell off-color jokes and are the opposite of buttoned down, and my whole life has been like that, from the floor of Tower Records to telling jokes at a school talent show in 1998. The people I communicated with at the conference were great people, doing great things, and I jut felt like everything I’ve done in my life was silly and misguidedand I wish I could live a “normal” life as a transgendered person, while at the same time I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want a normal life, I treasure my peculiarities and hope that someday what I do will be considered normal.
Anyway, I’m just saying that I’m getting out of a bit of a slump right now, the conference took it out of me, and this is one of those points where I question everything, my sexuality, my choices, and the path that lies ahead. I’m not going to be changing anything mind you, just a little introspection, some cathartic writing to clear all this gunk out of my brains. I started smoking again at the conference, and now I have to quit again (vivid dreaming) I’ve made like 5 videos and none of them have turned out as I wanted them to. Very frustrated by it all, I have this evening free and will spend it at home, editing video. More stuff soon, just gotta climb out of this slump real quick…
First off, I got rid of the Itouch… I was finding myself half-assing my communication, the wireless at my house is now gone, Itunes is an awful program if you have a massive music library, and Peggle was fun for a few days, but it was overall just a big fancy distraction. the 2 things I used most on it, the calculator for work and the notepad, are both devices I could obtain without shelling out the big $$. Couple things have come up by way of my computer being horrible to me, I need to invest in something a little more modern if I want to do something a little more modern with it, as well as I’m hoping to start electrolysis or laser hair removal soon. So yeah, my first I-product came and went, good riddance, I’ll probably get something in the future, but for now I’m just going to kick it old school 😛
I had a weird night last night, I’ve been exhausted so the wealth of my time at home is spent sleeping, probably more than I ever have. That with being diapered more than I ever have leads to a very happy, rested Riley, and by the end of the day I’m a tuckered out little girl who just needs a diaper and a paci and a comfy place to lay her head. I’ve been posting in the mornings more and more, and doing my video editing at night, I’m usually done communicating by the afternoon. I’m just rambling… on with the story!
I was in bed last night, letting Mystery Science Theatre bore me to sleep, I was in a comfy Per-Fit diaper, the cheaper clothy ones I’ve been wearing to bed… my supply is down to about 6 pairs of boys goodnites and 20 of these nu-fit didees, I go through them pretty quick, gotta hope for a good craigslist resupply in the near future. Anyway, I wake up at 2:30 to the sound of some of my roommates friends taking bong rips and laughing at WonderShowzen, and I realize that I need to wet. I didn’t have my plastic sheets on my bed because its starting to get oven status in my apartment, so no footy sleepers and no plastic sheets for the next 6 months, unless I get out of this godforsaken town. With the lack of bed protection, I usually standup for a second, wet my diaper and then either freshen up with some baby powder and go back to sleep or change into a fresh diaper, depending on how wet of a little one I am.
As I’m lying htere thinking I need to wet, I kinda half-rollover and start to get out of bed, but as soon as I’m on my tummy about to get up (kinda hard to explain) I just completely wet, i’m kinda on my knees at this point, worried that I’m going to leak on the bed but moving would increase that likelyhood. I wet pretty heavily, felt the diaper get really saggy in this strange position that I’m in, and I finally feel myself stopping and i nstead of getting up, I just felt so relieved and happy to have wet my diapers when I needed to, not when I wanted to, that I just curled back up and fell back asleep in my very soggy diaper. I then woke up, wet and happy a minute before my alarm went off 🙂
goodnites make better mornings… hope you have sweet diaper dreams and lovely diaper days 🙂
Lets go down the list…
I have a biiiig zit on my face, very noticeable, possibly the first one I’ve had in my adult life.
My legs are bashed and bruised from a nasty bike accident
My fingers are chewed to bits
My face still has a touch of stubble and feels raw from adapting to a electric razor. my body hair is in dire need of clear cutting.
These are the things I focus on when I look in the mirror, it gets me down, but I’m STILL a girl, just maybe not a pretty one right now. Days like this I would revert back to a butch look, jeans and a baggier T-shirt, not wear make-up and probably talk/think a little rougher than I usually do. I’m past that point now, I’m a girl, girls let their arms get hairy, girls get zits, girls ache and hurt and bleed and chew their nails and feel crappy and down sometimes too, sometimes we work 6 days straight and just don’t have the time. Damn the media for giving us this perfect concept of a female to obsess and judge ourselves by, it’s so easy to forget that none of it matters.
Flaws aside, I still put on a skirt and my pink tights, my clunky work shoes, blew dry my hair and put on a touch of makeup and smiled, all the blemishes glossed over in my mind, and standing in the mirror was a happy, complete girl : )
more stuff soon, day-by-day pictures coming back soon, buying a new camera on friday ❤
1.) Reformat COMPLETE, everything is getting back to normal in PC land, moving data one way then the other over my desktop and this old little server I set up so I don’t shit (torrent) where I eat (store all my current data). I’m excited to have everything fresh again, gave my PC a detail job with a can of spray air and some little tools, I gave it a deep scrub and now its bright and shiny as it was when it was first dropped on me. Camera is still having audio issues, but I did film a friends show on Saturday and the sound was perfect, even though it was loud punk rock, my camera has level issues, it can do super loud sidewalk show but not girl talking to camera in room… grrr, thats why I work, to afford these things…
2.) I did TONS of laundry today, and I had a little moment, I was putting away my socks, and shirts and stockings and all that, and out of roughly 12$ worth of laundry, there was 1 pair of panties. I’ve been so happily diapered lately I didn’t even realize that panties aren’t even a part of my daily life these days… I do love them, but I think the time I wore the pair in mention was actually over a diaper when I went out, just in case I wet I would be able to have something else under it and my *parts* wouldn’t try and make a break for it. Anyway, I wanted to share my little moment of squeeky happiness, the kind of thing that makes me smile realllly big… this little girl knows that diapers are for her!
more stuff soon, busy girl, ❤ you all!
Well, the reformat went well, I think, my computers shutting off somewhat randomly, but I think I stopped that. My first venture into using SATA! So thats good, but I need to reinstall all my stuff, and I work for the next 6 days straight, so it’s going to be a slow process.
I also TOTALLY ate it on my bike, some guy was yelling noinsense and I got distracted and went head over handlebars, my knees are all scraped and my shoulder aches, plus my left wrist (the ones I’ve broken twice) is pretty achey, but I don’t think its broken, seeing as I’m typing with it. My bike on the other hand is pretty much trashed, but was trashed to begin with, it was a really cheap Wal-Mart mountain bike. I ache is all I’m saying.
While I was at Rite-Aid getting a brace, I did have the good fortune to find some interesting new Depends for Women, check out this product photo
If I had a still-cam I’d take some pics, they have lots of diff designs but are pretty much the same old depend undies, but they’re sold in a package that looks like panties, so thats a huge step forward to being accepted as normal underwear. They’re there for emergencies, not everyone who wears them constantly wet all the time, some of us just wet a little bit or like the comfort and safety of a padded bottom. Very cool, I’ll do a little video about these in the near future.
Oh, and to answer some of the questions I’ve been getting the most, yes I’m still on hormones, yes, I’m still singe, yes, i’m still planning on getting SRS. the best way to donate is that little paypal button on the right of the page, and yes, i’m going to be updating letsgetsrs.com for more information on the transgendered part of my life. I’m off, much love, more soon!!!