leaving town

You would have to have lived in my shoes to fully understand how I feel about all this.
I’ll try my best to explain…
I’m done running into people who still call me by my Christian name, I’m done feeling afraid of the fundamentalists around here who have attacked me before, I’m done doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I’m done.

At the end of this month, I’m going to depart from my little apartment here in Sacramento, and head towards the bay to start a new life. I have some friends down there and plan to make more. I’ve always been the kind of person that can reach into a tree and pull down an apple. I have charisma before I have money or looks, and I’ve always found like minded people to travel through this thing called life. I’m looking for a career and a place to live. 

If I stayed here in sacramento it would likely kill me. Not to be overly dramatic, but this town has eaten me alive. It’s the people mostly, I see people that I used to deal with. This town has toughned me up, I’ve seen the grimy things it has to offer, drugs, ragers, fast cars, danger, fire, and knives.  Much of my life is in notebooks hidden away, I’ll tell these stories when I’m a little bit further away from them, but I have such sites to show you. My heart is close to the streets, and I know I’ll be able to survive on my own if need be, If I wasn’t sure I’d move in with my mom and get another throw-away job and be unhappy, probably work and subsequently drink myself to death. The service industry is a viscous cycle. 

This is serious business! this is my life, I’m grabbing it by the tits and riding it to the top. I’d like to quote the case of Big Fish V. Small Pond, I’m totally in the public eye here, I’ve always worked in customer service and been involved with activism, I’m an individual, I’m memorable, and it’s made me a target. Simple as that, It’s a fine idea for a person making the kind of transition I am to leave their hometown, to have the freedom to express themselves without negative encounters or meeting people who still gender you as male. I am a transperson here, I’ve been fighting the good fight but need to head to the big leagues. There’s Food Not Bombs and plenty of help for people on their own. there’s work in the city, dreams are fulfilled as often as they are chewed up and spit out, but I will likely find other fishies.that want to school up and make a big impact. 

As long as the internet exists, I will keep blogging. As long as I have breath in my body, I will work towards equality and breaking down the walls that impede the pursuit of happiness. I will create a better life for myself and my fellow humans. No more suicides, no more depression, positivity and understanding that you can overcome anything, even if it takes a change of scenery (or genitalia). All is going to be well, I’nm going to be posting and posting and posting, writing, working on my story and video projects, yoga, stand-up comedy, letting my creativity flow.


This little light of mine… i’m going to let it shine. 

wake up

Hey there diaper friends! I’m feeling at top form this lovely californian morning. I’m going to go pick up my hormones, I have a copy of Camus’s “The Stranger” in paperback I’m going to try and get through for the 2nd time. I don’t like writing at a place like PlanetParenthood, people are more likely to call you crazy. Its always filthy packed and you can never sit down anyway, I have an appointment though ❤


Anyway, I’m kinda going crazy with the miceys and ratzoz and bugs in this apartment. I haven’t had a decent nights sleep, having a little bit of privacy issues, not really feeling it right now, theres too many people living here at the moment, but I have this early morning bit free so I’ll get to some filming. I’ve been feeling very sexual in a unique way lately, I haven’t cammed or “played with myself” in a probably 4 days, Its hard to feel that way when I’m stressed out, I can’t just do it whenever I please really anymore. I’ve been thinking about erections often.

Long story short, I’m sleep deprived and horny and about to get my blood taken. Wish me good luck, I have further things to expand on, but I’m just going to leave it at that for the moment. Whatever happens with the apartment will be awesome, I’m kind looking  to go on an adventure, this town, its really all I know, theres got to be a better place.Whatever happens, I’ll likely come out on top 🙂

girlsenberry

Alllll right! I’m in my little footy sleeper, rocking out to the Strokes, eating boysenberry toast and drinking homemade chai tea (a recipe i stole from my most recent employer hehe). I’m excited, I’m getting my toothy finished today. I’ve been in a really crumby mood as a result of that, but sometimes bad things happen to good people, right? I KNOW it’s going to happen today, so that stress is gone.  I’m going to do a little bit of  Yoga with my roomate, something I’m trying my best to explore right now  my body and bones are calling out to be stretched and freed up. I want to stay this cute until I’mn in my hundreds, healthy living! I’ve been living on Veggie Juice, kinda a force cleanse due to not wanting to eat hard things. Culprit responsible? Frozen Yogurt magicshell stuff, that stuff can get really hard apparently, even in the hot california sun. 


I’m feeling less like a total failure right now. I’ve got some video stuff in the pipeline, look forward to an update about my place, I feel as if a great adventure may be upon me. I feel like some sexy picture time is needed, I ‘m feeling girly and happy and have a big awesome day of video and dentistry ahead of me! 

gross dental photography

I like frozen yogurt, it’s cheap and healthy and yuuummmy, but yesterday ended in yogurt tragedy. I put some of that chocolate shell stuff on top, bit into it wrong and totally lost a filling, I’m an awful human being. I was always a latch-key kid and took the bus in the morning, I’ve never been great at brushing and flossing, only really once a day. Anyway, I’m working on it, no insurance, all I have is gross pictures. I’m not in pain but will hopefully get it fixed today.

My stress level is at an all-time-high, having a little trouble sleeping, so much uncertainty… I’m going to have a yummy breakfast and try to get my life together. I’ll keep everyone posted!!! Its just one thing after another sometimes 😦

safe!

On one of my recent posts, my “how am i going to overcome this?” post about trials and tribulations regarding my money situation. One of the comments I received was “I hope your next post is about finding a winning lottery ticket or something…” In many ways, this is that post.

I’m going to make it this month, and it looks like with time and dedication that things are going to work out. I feel as if for the first time I feel like things are actually moving in a positive direction, as if a great weight had been lifted. There’s still trials and tribulations ahead, but this is what i’ve been working for. I feel so lucky to have the opportunities that I’ve had over the course of my life, with computers, the internet, video and the human experience, these experiences have allowed me to make the media that I do. This site means so much to me, top be able to share my story with everyone, get feedback and support when I need it, “web-authoring” has kept me moving forward, it’s what I really want to do. It’s introduced me to amazing people, people that have changed the course of my life dramatically, been kind and generous just for the sake of letting me be who I want to be. it’s amazing, it gives me so much faith in other people… I think the cynic in me is dying everyday that Riley comes more alive.

For the first time in my life, I’m using a savings account. There’s 1$ in there right now, but from this point on all of my PayPal donations will go towards my transition. I have nothing saved up for SRS, and hormones/permanent hair removal/Dr. Visits are constant reminders of how expensive this is going to be. I’ve set-up a budget and will likely be able to have rent/living money next month from cam performing and various other video projects, and all the donations will be saved up for my transition. I was talking about this to a good friend, an internet protocol focused kind-of guy, and he quipped “contributions should lead to content development” thats a really straightforward, emotionless way to say that I’m going to be becoming more myself everyday, fitter, happier, more productive, I’m going to be growing right in front of your eyes.

I feel creativity flowing from wells long thought dry, this is the prime-time of my life, and I will never forget those who helped me get here. I’m going to make a big plate of french toast and get to some Emails, thanks for being there for me, I’ll be getting in contact with everybody in my inbox today, fresh start! The sun is shining, I have a home and people that care about me, this is where I want to be.


more soon

here in your mind

Hey there diaper friends! this is little Riley Kilo, up before the sun is, writing a little post to share something that only a couple folks have seen so far. As many of you know, I have a private blog for the folks who have donated, mostly just naughty videos, stuff I wouldn’t feel comfortable showing on youtube, it’s also a bit of a testing ground for me. I posted a video on there the other day that involves some specific behavior, let me explain…

At first I was really cautious to show this for 2 reasosns, 1 – it shows a side of me that is very much in a submissive state, I’ve tried to only show the confident, grab life by the reins Riley. The second main reason is I don’t really do this often, literally, maybe once a month, but I haven’t done it in months since. Yes, we’re talking about enemas and messing my diapers. These days if I ever mess its a production, plastic pants, enema, usually a bit of bondage, kind of a cleansing experience even more than it already is. The thins I don’t like about it are the things that are just overall unattractive to human beings, but a long shower helps cure anything, I never spend very much time in the diaper I wear when I get an enema.

Since starting this blog its become much more integrated into my daily life. Many of the people I knew from High School, non-ABDL people, my “friends circle”, a few of them have mentioned reading this site, and appreciating my forwardness. It’s been a long road from being so afraid to wear diapers because I couldn’t imagine even facing my friends knowing that I had this strange thing inside of me, and now they know all about it and if anything it’s helped me reconnect with people, instead of alienate me. I’m working towards understanding of why we do these things, and know that many of these things are harmless, not as gross as it sounds, and unique to the individual that does them. I want people to learn to not take things for face value, they are often times more complex than you think.

This video shows a side of me that I’d like only people who understand ABDL nature to see, it’s unlisted and exclusive to this post and my private blog. As hard as it may seem, what I do in this video is healthier than doing nothing at all in many ways, I’ve always found Enemas to be a good thing, especially if you have a bit of frozen yogurt after to get your body back in that balance, it’s the after-care for the single submissive.  Time to finish this post, I’m going to be working with my family all day today, I’ll be back later tonight. I think if I keep typing I won’t have to actually post that video… I’m pretty nervous about it, it can be scary to show people really what goes on.

don’t look back, don’t worry Riley, a life without regret…

what goes on

I really hope you liked that last video, I think it went well, I am constantly in my head debating over weather its a dignified thing to do, if its actually helping anyone, maybe I’m doing more harm then good by being explicit. I’ve always thought the more information the better, and I try to keep it pretty real and I’m by no means an exhibitionist. But lets be honest, I do love attention, especially when its focused towards my feminine nature.

I wore a suit and tie and I watched as other people in suits buried one of my blood relatives today, just a long-lived life passing on, nothing to be sad about or cry about really. Seeing my family is always… well… tense would be a good word for the situation. Scottsdale is a hot place, the drive takes forever, and after losing my dayjob I look pretty worthless to them.  I really thought, really really thought things were going to work out, I have this awesome place but when “yes, you’re not going to be scheduled anymore” left my managers lips, my first thought and every thought after that was “How am I going to be able to afford this place, these hormones, how am I going to live?”

I think I’ve figured it out, but it might be too late. I’ve been more creative than ever, used my camera more than ever. I’ve been Cam Performing and getting more noticed in the “Adult” community, exploring new options and trying to make the best with what I have for now, I would love to have a career in performing/managing/adult content to fund documenting my transition, and in many ways the transition itself. Even in the last few weeks I’ve learned so much about my camera and editing both photos and video, practice and study is something I’ve never had time for, the stranglehold of the 9-5. I’ve been assaulted, stalked, harrassed, and had an overall shitty time in the Customer Service field, and working for myself, really putting in the 8+ hours a day, it’s been rewarding and I know I have what it takes to be successful both in front of and behind the camera.

It’s a funny thing, I’m not worried about rent next month, but this month I seriously have 4 days to come up with a couple hundred dollars I just don’t have. I was denied unemployment, I’m appealing it, ImLive.com doesn’t do well with address changes so the check that was going to save my butt is in check limbo at the moment. so needless to say, this is one of the most challenging points of my life, I’ve made it through so much and have such a journey ahead of me that I can’t imagine taking a step back, it might just break me. Life is a complicated, tough mess sometimes, isn’t it, I’ve seen so much already, It feels like I might be closer to either complete meltdown or smooth sailing depending on the next 4 days. Fun.

OK, enough pity, I have exciting stuff ahead for my friends out in bloggy land, I’ll be keeping you posted! I hope this is the last time I have to beg for donations, I promise after the 15th it will all go towards my transition, and if not, well, they have computers in libraries don’t they? Seriously, I don’t want to have to sell my camera, bed or PC, which is basically all I own. Ask me about clothes you’ve seen in my videos or stuff like that, I’m basically selling everything I can to make it by the 15th.

Death, poverty, losing the things you love… theres nothing I can’t handle…

HERE WE GO! YEAH!!!!!