what goes on

I really hope you liked that last video, I think it went well, I am constantly in my head debating over weather its a dignified thing to do, if its actually helping anyone, maybe I’m doing more harm then good by being explicit. I’ve always thought the more information the better, and I try to keep it pretty real and I’m by no means an exhibitionist. But lets be honest, I do love attention, especially when its focused towards my feminine nature.

I wore a suit and tie and I watched as other people in suits buried one of my blood relatives today, just a long-lived life passing on, nothing to be sad about or cry about really. Seeing my family is always… well… tense would be a good word for the situation. Scottsdale is a hot place, the drive takes forever, and after losing my dayjob I look pretty worthless to them.  I really thought, really really thought things were going to work out, I have this awesome place but when “yes, you’re not going to be scheduled anymore” left my managers lips, my first thought and every thought after that was “How am I going to be able to afford this place, these hormones, how am I going to live?”

I think I’ve figured it out, but it might be too late. I’ve been more creative than ever, used my camera more than ever. I’ve been Cam Performing and getting more noticed in the “Adult” community, exploring new options and trying to make the best with what I have for now, I would love to have a career in performing/managing/adult content to fund documenting my transition, and in many ways the transition itself. Even in the last few weeks I’ve learned so much about my camera and editing both photos and video, practice and study is something I’ve never had time for, the stranglehold of the 9-5. I’ve been assaulted, stalked, harrassed, and had an overall shitty time in the Customer Service field, and working for myself, really putting in the 8+ hours a day, it’s been rewarding and I know I have what it takes to be successful both in front of and behind the camera.

It’s a funny thing, I’m not worried about rent next month, but this month I seriously have 4 days to come up with a couple hundred dollars I just don’t have. I was denied unemployment, I’m appealing it, ImLive.com doesn’t do well with address changes so the check that was going to save my butt is in check limbo at the moment. so needless to say, this is one of the most challenging points of my life, I’ve made it through so much and have such a journey ahead of me that I can’t imagine taking a step back, it might just break me. Life is a complicated, tough mess sometimes, isn’t it, I’ve seen so much already, It feels like I might be closer to either complete meltdown or smooth sailing depending on the next 4 days. Fun.

OK, enough pity, I have exciting stuff ahead for my friends out in bloggy land, I’ll be keeping you posted! I hope this is the last time I have to beg for donations, I promise after the 15th it will all go towards my transition, and if not, well, they have computers in libraries don’t they? Seriously, I don’t want to have to sell my camera, bed or PC, which is basically all I own. Ask me about clothes you’ve seen in my videos or stuff like that, I’m basically selling everything I can to make it by the 15th.

Death, poverty, losing the things you love… theres nothing I can’t handle…


2 thoughts on “what goes on

  1. doh! >.< I really hope you don't have to sell your stuff just to get by, that would be really depressing. Best wishes though, I hope your next post is about finding a winning lottery ticket or something very amazing…we can hope right?

  2. I just want to say that I admire your determination. I'm in the same boat as you right now, but reading your post has bolstered my resolve as well :). Best of luck to the both of us, girl! Ahruneus galtha!

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