It’s one month ago, I’m looking over the ledge on the golden gate bridge, feeling little drops of rain on my face, I’m tired, looking down at the blackness of the water, wondering how long it would take until I got to the bottom, would a gust of wind and save me the fate of all these drops of water, would it pick me up and drop me somewhere safe, in front of a fireplace in my footy PJ’s, or would I just hit the waves like concrete. I take a deep breath, and walk back to the busstop, and go from there.
It’s the end of October, and it looks like this chapter of my life is coming to an end. I won my unemployment appeal, there’s a couple more steps until it’s all worked out, but I won, I fucking won! I knew I would, they had not a leg to stand on, but the pain is in the process. It looks like I should be getting a bit of back unemployment, enough to get me back on my feet and off unemployment! I had a conversation with my mom the other day, she told me how she hoped that the strong “don’t leach off the system” morals she raised me with stay true, she was a single mom, and through hard work and love for her family she managed. I’ve been in tough situations and always pulled through, and never considered unemployment an option until the odds were stacked so high against me. With a clean employment record I will have no problem getting work, and the things I’ve learned over the past few months in the realms of making it in your own will prove invaluable.
YES!!! I’m so excited for what’s ahead of me, especially now that my path is a little bit more clear, more positive. I’m staying with a friend in the redwoods right now, very limited internet access, but I will be posting what I can. I’ll be up here until further notice, possibly Portland around Halloween, do I know anyone up there? My future plans? Anywhere from a nice apartment just outside my hometown, back to SF for a little more adventure just more organized this time, or Thailand… so many options, so much potential, life is amazing. I feel like living proof that it gets better, you just have to persevere, and get past those little struggles, and the world loves and rewards you for it. More stuff soon, and thanks for all the kind thoughts, reassurance, donations, everything… look how far we’ve come ❤
Hello friends, I am happy, safe and diapered ❤
I have received good news, it won’t stop raining here, up in the woods, but the clouds have broken for the moment and I will be sharing some happiness with you soon ❤
I wonder if I’ll ever grow up out of diapers? I sure hope not. I am kinda having some mommy feelings, I could totally see being a mommy to little boys and girls, I could even see being a domme to a certain extent. I know I will always like diapers, but i might more likely be the diaperer instead of the diaperee. Funny how things change, I have a strong sense of self as you may have learned, but I still like to explore different things, see whats out there. I just see some of these younger AB/DL folks, they are just too cute, I want to cuddle them and let them know it’s alright, I’m bursting at the seams with compassion! I’ve got some big things in the works, feeling very excited about my future ❤
new post and old pics over at LetsGetSRS.com – http://www.letsgetsrs.com/2010/10/since-04.html
I talk about lots of stuff, mostly about a special place in my life, and the pics are from 2004! Speaking of times and places, 6 years ago today I was in Beijing, watching the Sacramento Kings play the Houston Rockets. I told you my life was strange for reasons other than the obvious…
❤ more stuff soon!!!
I’m going to be heading north, to Portland in the near future, I’m over Vegas. I’m likely going to be there around Halloween, trying to check out a big event on Halloween. My favorite job of all time was working for a beautiful old indie theatre, built in 1917, It’s a lovely, lovely place. I worked there for 6 years, as soon as I turned 15 1/2 I got my work permit and worked at Taco Bell for a little, was not happy with it one bit. I was going to an event called “Trash Film Orgy” on nights for the last few summers at the theatre, as well as frequenting a film group that held meetings there. Whatever you imagine something called “Trash Film Orgy” would be, it’s that. TFO is where I met… well, we’ll talk about that later, I’m going to start crying thinking about it, so I’m going to go on with the story, and leave that part out for now.
I got the theatre job, at this point I’d like to make it clear that no matter how hard spellcheck tries to tell me different, I shall call it a theatre, it’s big and beautiful and showing movies is a small part of what they do. It was the first adventure into the world of glitz and glamour for me… there’d be a Tesla show one night, then we’d clean the whole place and host a film festival the next night. I could fill a book about the celebrities i’ve met there and amazing shows I’ve seen, the things that go on in dressing rooms and working in the heart of the city. I love that fast-paced environment where everyone has to work as a team, up against an audience of people, swarms of people that just paid good money for something. I stopped doing Drama after high school because the theatre was so the same thing, except better for networking and was just so amazing when things went right, and solving problems when things went wrong is ever-so satisfying. I really miss doing that, but we move on, before I moved to the east coast I decided that I was over it, I was likely to return to some negative patterns in my life if I stayed there, and the pay is awful, and for a while I would wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, after a nightmare about cleaning the butter machine.
I still love that place, it’s my home in many ways, I spent more time there than any house in my life, it’s the only consistent in my sordid, ever-changing life. I still stroll in with warm welcomes, many of the people I trained run the place now, everytime I go in its that bittersweet nostalgia, I have loved and lost under those lights. Film is the most precious thing in the world to me, and places like my theatre retain that sense of magic… its yosemite level awe-inspiring. The person I mentioned having met earlier had a profound effect on my life, and the theatre and him are inextricably linked in my emotions, it’s a sad story with lots of happy parts, and from a time that I’ve tried hard over the years to understand, and feel I will someday understand and come to peace with those experiences. For now, I’ve spent a good deal of time away from the theatre for those reasons in particular, but when I do visit the smell of popcorn and the beauty of it all grants me so much hope that maybe I can even fall in love again.
Alright! I’ve been busy busy busy, getting things in order for my next step… which has yet to be determined. I’m at a friends house in my hometown, I needed to come back for various reasons, mental well-being was one of them. This weekend I’m either heading north towards Portland/Olympia or east towards Vegas. I rarely go north and the weather I’m sure is awful so I might put that on the backburner. Vegas is going to be warmer, a friend is moving there and it’s a 24 hour city, so I won’t have the difficulty between 2am and sunup like in most cities. It’s a crazy place though, I’m interested in maybe exploring the city proper, Vegas is HUGE, I’ve only really seen the strip. Vegas is where I lost my virginity so many years ago, filming Defcon. I’ve been back since and it’s reputation for being hazardous is dependent on how hazardous you want to get, lots of advantages for relatively sober people as myself, I’ve always kept a cool head in wild situations.
Its sad that I haven’t had a chance to update more, I haven’t had the opportunity to do a video since my last one, my camera is picky and you need firewire ports and a decent PC to upload stuff. It’s been a week since my appeal, probably have 2 or 3 more weeks until I find out my future, i’m making plans for both results, I go from confident to worried to frustrated back to confident. It’s going to be a great injustice if the judge doesn’t approve my appeakl, but that seems to be a consistent theme in my life. I’m excited to find out the results regardless, I’m feeling very much in limbo, you will know as soon as I do!
Outside of the nail-biting anticipation I’ve been well. I think the main thing that’s bothering me right now is that this blog could become a deterrent from people maybe “coming out”, I’m afraid that my negative experiences might scare people away from expressing their true selves. It’s REQUIRED you understand that my troubles are a result of my town, my visibility, my actions. My town is filled with crime and drugs and bored cowtown “douchebags”, the folks that don’t bother with the art scene seem to think the only thing to do in this town is get high and break stuff, pabst and meth are a great sickness in my town. As for my visibility, I’m super thin, I haven’t owned a car in over 2 years and everyone in my 2,000+ student high school knew me, and the surrounding high schools were relatively aware as well, I made a pretty big impact in the suburbs during my time spent. Those “bro” kids have grown up and I’m sure are the ones throwing things out their car windows at me. “That’s why I left!” says the person who’s still here… I guess what I’m trying to say is that everyone has different resource levels and experiences, I’ve had a tough life from the get-go, seeing my Mom overcome being a single mother and everything set the path for me, I never expected or desired the easy way, life isn’t about the race to retirement. I’m having a unique experience, not without trials and tribulations, but one that has and will lead to open doors and opened minds.
I will be adventuring out of here with the quickness, I’m hoping to do a bit of video before I go. I’m going to be trying to crank out as many emails and hopefully a post or two before I get back on the road again… I need to write a FAQ about some of the basics of my life, I haven’t been terribly clear about a couple things, this world could use a bit more clarity and I think I’m just the girl to do it. All for the sake of clarity, I want to expand on a couple thoughts. 1st off, Thailand is starting to sound like a reality. I’m doing tons of research, talking to people, reading books, thinking it might be a place for me to land at some point. I’m still exploring it, but it would be fascinating for both my transgendered and my AdultBaby/DiaperLover readers, Thailand is a mecca for the art if beautiful transgirls as well as ageplay culture, sounds like the place to be, more on that story as it develops.
The 2nd thing I wanted to make apparent was I’m having the time of my life. There are ups and downs of course, but I could have taken “safer” options, I could have found a job at McDonalds, I could have done a wealth of things that didn’t involve exploration and learning, but I didn’t. Be aware that my own decisions led to this, that I have few regrets and it’s not tragic, it’s an adventure. If you’ve seen my videos you can probably tell that I’m a really sweet, friendly and kind young woman, people welcome me, I think they see the compassion in my eyes, a fresh spark, my almost decade of dead-end employment almost extinguished that flame, but it’s back burning brighter than ever. My bright eyes open doors that no key or bank card could open, behind them are a millions of experiences, and my eyes will grow brighter and brighter until the moment they close, and those doors will be left open for the future Riley’s of the world.
where the weather won’t get trapped inside my bones
and if all these years of searching find one sympathetic face