Wow… I can’t believe it’s monday, it feels like this weekend just wouldn’t end! I’ve been doing some “winter preparedness” stuff around where I’m housesitting and I am pretty worn out, but last night I had a chance to get all back into little girl mode 🙂
It’s easy to forget how I feel about diapers and being little, I forget how lovely it is, I forget how much it centers me. I forget that for the rest of my life diapers and I will be linked, even if only by search results. I did that for a reason, to both “come out” and to avoid the binge-purge cycle, I want to always acknowledge my love of diapers and have happy feelings about them. When I was younger I was worried about my love of diapers, I felt awful about it and feared that I would like them for the rest of my life, that I would never be normal and always have to hide and never be able to look people in the eyes. Shame, the shame of it all, theres not a shame bone left in my body. There’s a few regret bones, I’ve made some poor decisions in my life but I chalk those up to selfishness or missed opportunities, part of growing up is learning from mistakes, not feeling shame about your actions.
Seriously, I’m over shame. Lately I’ve had a bit of a backslide in my thinking, and I just needed a bit of time to work things out in my head. I get about a 33/33/33 split of awesome emails from cool people, foreign or one-line emails, and then pure hate mail. I have had issues with stalkers even before I started showing my face online, I don’t want to get into it but I generally read my hate mail in case theres details in there that could harm me. In the last week I’ve been clearing out my inbox, getting to the last 5 months of E-mails, and I’ve read quite a bit of hate. I guess I could blame the season, seeing all the normality, being around my hometown, all that, but for just a minute I felt like I was really doing something wrong.
I know my love of diapers and ageplay has nothing to do with actual children, I know that when I buy diapers or baby stuff I look like a mom not a fetishist, I know that it’s deeper than a way to get off. I’ve described it as a lifestyle choice or a personal underwear choice, I’ve been afraid to use the word fetish, but get over it Riley! Diapers turn me on, and a fetish is simply an attraction towards an inanimate object. I don’t masturbate in my diapers generally, thats something I trained out of me at a pretty young age, but I can’t help getting an erection in diapers… a fellow transgirl once said that it wasn’t her penis she had a problem with, it’s when it pops up inconveniently. My love of diapers and my gender alignment are linked, and I do look forward to the day when I can wear and wet with more appropriate anatomy. Being trans is much deeper than any sexual thing, as is diapers, but theres also quite a bit of sexual attraction there, dressing up cute, panties and all that, they are lovely and do get me quite excited. I’ve worried about using the “F” word because of the connotation that whatever objects you fetishize are required to have a sexual encounter, and that something like transgender is a fetish in people eyes.