little riley needs to fly

it’s a beautiful thing
to my people who keep an impressive wingspan
even when the cubicle shrink
 –

 Hey there friends… new post, new thoughts and feelings, new reasons to smile.

I’m back in New York… done with my business in California. 

I’ve got 6 months more of hormones, had a great experience at planet parenthood, and have plenty of time to get established with a doctor who can see me through the rest of my transition… awesome. I have much to say about the whole trip, but for now I’d like to talk about a film that’s had a profound effect on my life, it’s a perfect allegory for many of my experiences in life and has led to much self-realization. I once thought the film was about following your dreams… but really, it’s about more than that.

–
I’ve never had a dream in my life
Because a dream is what you wanna do, but still haven’t pursued
 –

“Little Dieter Needs To Fly” is a documentary by Werner Herzog examining the life of Dieter Dengler, a german-born Navy pilot who was shot down over Laos during Vietnam. He spent about 5 months detained as a POW, during his time he was subjected to torture and inhumane living conditions, he escaped and was rescued by a stroke of luck, he was around 90 pounds, broken and malnourished. His time as a POW is a sad, scary story of ruthless people acting as they do during times of war, it’s an amazingly true tale of survival and overcoming the evils we face. Herzog made a more recent film dramatizing this experience, “Rescue Dawn“, with Christian Bale playing Dieter, it’s an decent companion piece but doesn’t really stand on its own. What makes this story notable isn’t just the heroism or the endurance of the human spirit, it’s Dieter himself, the passion he’s embraced and the manner in which he conducts his life. 

 Let me elaborate.
 

Dieter was a young boy in Germany, his family was strong but poor, he recalls his grandfather as the only one in town who voted against the Nazi’s. One night, his village was being attacked and he witnessed a plane fly right by his window, guns blazing, and that was to be his greatest inspiration. He says in the film that seeing that plane was the moment he knew that he was going to be a pilot, he needed to fly, little Dieter needed to fly. He finished his schooling, packed up his things and left to pursue his goal, Germany had no airforce at the time and so he went to where he could become a pilot, America. He put in his time as a grunt and eventually started flying, was later assigned to do missions over Laos, where he was shot down. After his crash, detainment, rescue, and lengthy recovery he became a jet pilot and later a test pilot, surviving 4 more crashes. He flew until he retired at 59, lived in San Fransisco until he ended his own life shortly after being diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs Disease.

–

I knew what I wanted and did it till it was done

So i’ve been the dream that I wanted to be since day one

–

 When asked about being a hero, Dieter says “I don’t think of myself as a hero. No, only dead people are heroes”. I’m writing about Dieter Dengler because he’s my hero. He taught me just how amazing life is, and how we can overcome our own individual struggles, no matter how intense. When I was midway through 3rd grade, my parents got divorced and transferred from Christian school to Rosemont public school district, which was about as scary as post-war Germany. Martin Luther Kings dream of the white children and black children playing together was hardly a reality, the crooked were still crooked, and hate still thrived. Through being a tiny kid with glasses, running from bullies and not feeling safe, I found my hope. One day after school, I saw one of my classmates waiting to be picked up, she was wearing a big poofy pink dress, likely on her way to confirmation. Seeing that dress, I knew that I wanted to wear it, be around it, I wanted to feel pretty, I wanted it to be ok that I was the one in that dress. That dress to me is Dieters plane, a vision of what the rest of my life would be, a goal, a passion, a reason to be.

I didn’t get to wear that dress, well, at least not then. I grew up, adventured out into the world, into a world I had only seen in movies and read in books, away from the things I was comfortable with. The suburbs were devoid of culture, so I put on a Velvet Underground record and went downtown. I put in my time as a hipster boy, graduated highschool and started being who I wanted to be. In the process of exploring myself and what the world had to offer, many sad, unfair, life changing things have happened. There are things that I have talked about on here, and things that I may never talk about, people have hurt me and I’ve hurt myself, events I can’t even bring myself to recollect. I’ve missed opportunities, left people behind, broken solidarity with much of society, all in the name of being an individual and exploring all that our culture has to offer. I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing, I just knew I was going to do it or live a life wishing I would have. The times i’ve feared for my life, the times i’ve been broken and bruised, the darkest times, the times that I would never wish on anyone, they have not stopped my pursuit of happiness.

–
I’d rather live it

cause dreamers always chase but never get it
 –

I’m older now, and the things that have passed have done just that, passed. My dream is that the difficulties I’ve had may never happen to other folks, with allies and other people who understand the importance of self-worth and self-expression can make it a goal, make it a reality. I have the utmost respect for those who have seen harder times than myself, and nothing makes me happier than seeing someone express themselves in the way they see fit. Dieter and I both know that the world has a way of kicking you when you’re down and also that life can be as amazing as you make it. My goal is to live as a girl and to be able to be myself, i’ve gone through hell to make it this way and will continue to climb into the cockpit. I will keep vigilante because that’s who I am, Dieter is a pilot and I’m a girl, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I have a future ahead of me that is unsure and writhe with possibility, I do not fear the unknown. For the rest of my life I’m going to be following my passions, writing, filming, exploring and sharing all I learn. Know that everyday has endless potential, and you really can do anything you desire, this world is a big sandbox. We convince ourselves that money and comfort is the goal when true happiness comes from setting your own. Little Dieter Needs To Fly taught me how amazing the world is, the beauty of it all, even through all the grime. I’m going to end this post with another Aesop quote. Thanks for reading.

–

Life’s not a bitch 

Life is a beautiful woman.

You only call her a bitch ’cause she wont let you get that pussy. 
Maybe she didn’t feel y’all shared any similar interests. 
Or maybe you’re just an asshole who couldn’t sweet talk the princess.

little riley needs to fly

–

it’s a beautiful thing
to my people who keep an impressive wingspan
even when the cubicle shrink

 –

 Hey there friends… new post, new thoughts and feelings, new reasons to smile.

I’m back in New York… done with my business in California. 

I’ve got 6 months more of hormones, had a great experience at planet parenthood, and have plenty of time to get established with a doctor who can see me through the rest of my transition… awesome. I have much to say about the whole trip, but for now I’d like to talk about a film that’s had a profound effect on my life, it’s a perfect allegory for many of my experiences in life and has led to much self-realization. I once thought the film was about following your dreams… but really, it’s about more than that.

–

I’ve never had a dream in my life
Because a dream is what you wanna do, but still haven’t pursued

–

“Little Dieter Needs To Fly” is a documentary by Werner Herzog examining the life of Dieter Dengler, a german-born Navy pilot who was shot down over Laos during Vietnam. He spent about 5 months detained as a POW, during his time he was subjected to torture and inhumane living conditions, he escaped and was rescued by a stroke of luck, he was around 90 pounds, broken and malnourished. His time as a POW is a sad, scary story of ruthless people acting as they do during times of war, it’s an amazingly true tale of survival and overcoming the evils we face. Herzog made a more recent film dramatizing this experience, “Rescue Dawn“, with Christian Bale playing Dieter, it’s an decent companion piece but doesn’t really stand on its own. What makes this story notable isn’t just the heroism or the endurance of the human spirit, it’s Dieter himself, the passion he’s embraced and the manner in which he conducts his life. Let me elaborate.

 

Dieter was a young boy in Germany, his family was strong but poor, he recalls his grandfather as the only one in town who voted against the Nazi’s. One night, his village was being attacked and he witnessed a plane fly right by his window, guns blazing, and that was to be his greatest inspiration. He says in the film that seeing that plane was the moment he knew that he was going to be a pilot, he needed to fly, little Dieter needed to fly. He finished his schooling, packed up his things and left to pursue his goal, Germany had no airforce at the time and so he went to where he could become a pilot, America. He put in his time as a grunt and eventually started flying, was later assigned to do missions over Laos, where he was shot down. After his crash, detainment, rescue, and lengthy recovery he became a jet pilot and later a test pilot, surviving 4 more crashes. He flew until he retired at 59, lived in San Fransisco until he ended his own life shortly after being diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs Disease.

–

I knew what I wanted and did it till it was done

So i’ve been the dream that I wanted to be since day one

–

 When asked about being a hero, Dieter says “I don’t think of myself as a hero. No, only dead people are heroes”. I’m writing about Dieter Dengler because he’s my hero. He taught me just how amazing life is, and how we can overcome our own individual struggles, no matter how intense. When I was midway through 3rd grade, my parents got divorced and transferred from Christian school to Rosemont public school district, which was about as scary as post-war Germany. Martin Luther Kings dream of the white children and black children playing together was hardly a reality, the crooked were still crooked, and hate still thrived. Through being a tiny kid with glasses, running from bullies and not feeling safe, I found my hope. One day after school, I saw one of my classmates waiting to be picked up, she was wearing a big poofy pink dress, likely on her way to confirmation. Seeing that dress, I knew that I wanted to wear it, be around it, I wanted to feel pretty, I wanted it to be ok that I was the one in that dress. That dress to me is Dieters plane, a vision of what the rest of my life would be, a goal, a passion, a reason to be.

I didn’t get to wear that dress, well, at least not then. I grew up, adventured out into the world, into a world I had only seen in movies and read in books, away from the things I was comfortable with. The suburbs were devoid of culture, so I put on a Velvet Underground record and went downtown. I put in my time as a hipster boy, graduated highschool and started being who I wanted to be. In the process of exploring myself and what the world had to offer, many sad, unfair, life changing things have happened. There are things that I have talked about on here, and things that I may never talk about, people have hurt me and I’ve hurt myself, events I can’t even bring myself to recollect. I’ve missed opportunities, left people behind, broken solidarity with much of society, all in the name of being an individual and exploring all that our culture has to offer. I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing, I just knew I was going to do it or live a life wishing I would have. The times i’ve feared for my life, the times i’ve been broken and bruised, the darkest times, the times that I would never wish on anyone, they have not stopped my pursuit of happiness.

 –

I’d rather live it

cause dreamers always chase but never get it

 –

I’m older now, and the things that have passed have done just that, passed. My dream is that the difficulties I’ve had may never happen to other folks, with allies and other people who understand the importance of self-worth and self-expression can make it a goal, make it a reality. I have the utmost respect for those who have seen harder times than myself, and nothing makes me happier than seeing someone express themselves in the way they see fit. Dieter and I both know that the world has a way of kicking you when you’re down and also that life can be as amazing as you make it. My goal is to live as a girl and to be able to be myself, i’ve gone through hell to make it this way and will continue to climb into the cockpit. I will keep vigilante because that’s who I am, Dieter is a pilot and I’m a girl, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I have a future ahead of me that is unsure and writhe with possibility, I do not fear the unknown. For the rest of my life I’m going to be following my passions, writing, filming, exploring and sharing all I learn. Know that everyday has endless potential, and you really can do anything you desire, this world is a big sandbox. We convince ourselves that money and comfort is the goal when true happiness comes from setting your own. Little Dieter Needs To Fly taught me how amazing the world is, the beauty of it all, even through all the grime. I’m going to end this post with another Aesop quote. Thanks for reading.

–

Life’s not a bitch 

life is a beautiful woman. 
–

Back

Allllllllright! I am back in NY, getting settled, all the hormones etc are taken care of. More video and stuff soon, and a big announcement that I can’t speak on yet, but this little girl is headed for the big times! To the folks that have been emailing me, lookforward to a response soon 🙂

Life is awesome and everything has cone up Riley. This is likely the happiest I’ve ever been. Hugs!!!

back to NY

Hey there friends! This little girl is headed back to NY, happy and with business settled. Awesome news!

grounds

Hello friends! Just a quick hello to say thugs are going lovely for me, should be back in NY by next weekend, crossing my fingers!!!

I’ll be posting a video in the next couple days, I am diapered and happily maintaining, looking forward to getting out of here but not complaining too much 🙂

Hormones are gooooood for the next six months, and that’s awesome.

More stuff soon!

Also, google Dead Island, dramatic zombie videogame, there’s a trailer out that’s just the tops, it made me tear up the first time I saw it 🙂

california adventure

Awesome. I got my hormones!!!.

Wish I was in NY, not too excited about being here, making the best of it. 

1st picture is me before the flight, then me on the flight, then over Chicago I believe, then hotel elevator, then hotel room after a long diapered day 🙂

I am throughly exhausted, happy, glad i’m getting this stuff over with. I’m hoping to go home soon, but it will likely be another week or 2. I wish I was back in NY, I will go into further details aout my emotional state when it comes to being back here, but I really wish I wasn’t back here. On the bright side, I’ve got my hormones for another 6 months and had an awesome experience at Planned Parenthood as always. I’ve got my ipod touch (thanks again) and i’m getting way better at publishing from it so I will continue to be positive about all this, and just hope it resolves itself quick. 

❤ more stuff soooooooon!!!

Hello again!

Hey there! It’s going to be quite a week ahead of me, lots on my plate right now, all of it necessary and exciting 🙂 I’ve been a happy girl, here’s a couple quick pictures of my footies, my diapers, my bear and me!

I’ll be posting more throughout my trip, more stuff soon!

back back to cali cali

Alright! I’ve got tickets back to California! I’ll only be there for a couple days and I didn’t spend the grand it cost to fly me back, and neither did any of you. I’m happy this worked out the way it did, my lack of hormones and this subpoena happened at just the right time, thanks synchronicity for always watching my cute little diapered bottom ❤ I'll be able to get my hormones there, I will likely take care of all that with ease. I'm pretty excited, I'm going to be in SF and busy, busy, busy the entire time so it won't be a fun visit, but it will be a productive one. Thanks for reading, and for the concern while i was kinda floating, unsure of my future.

Well, that was Easy! More stuff soon ❤

back back to cali cali

Alright! I’ve got tickets back to California! I’ll only be there for a couple days and I didn’t spend the grand it cost to fly me back, and neither did any of you. I’m happy this worked out the way it did, my lack of hormones and this subpoena happened at just the right time, thanks synchronicity for always watching my cute little diapered bottom ❤ I'll be able to get my hormones there, I will likely take care of all that with ease. I'm pretty excited, I'm going to be in SF and busy, busy, busy the entire time so it won't be a fun visit, but it will be a productive one. Thanks for reading, and for the concern while i was kinda floating, unsure of my future.

Well, that was Easy! More stuff soon ❤

Options!!!

Hello friends!

This is the hormonal situation I’m in right now. I have about 2 weeks left of hormones left, and no way to get any more through my previous prescription. I could potentially find myself back in California for no more than a couple days for a legal matter. This is something that has nothing to do with me, but still something I could get subpoenaed for. I’m a good girl and I didn’t do anything wrong, but this court case has been wearing on my emotions for quite some time, it will be good when it’s over. I will find out in the next few days if I have to head back, I wouldn’t pay for the trip, and this will be the last time I will mention it. If I was in California I would simply visit planned parenthood there and get another 3 or 6 months of hormones.

If that doesn’t happen, here are the other options.

1.) Seeing a doctor here in Western New York, and paying out of pocket. I’ve had a couple recommended to me, but that’s not really a great option financially. When I get a job I could likely afford that, this would be ideal, I miss being employed! I would also potentially get healthcare if I was gainfully employed, which would mean I could see a doctor here with ease. If I don’t get a job, which is unlikely as I’ve had a couple positive leads lately, I will get my owed unemployment whenever the terribly overburdened Califonia Courts finalize my case (late feb/early march) and be able to see a Doctor that way.

2.)Visit a Planned Parenthood in NYC that offers transgender care, financially straining due to paying out of pocket (sliding scale) and travel costs, but a perfectly viable option. The planned parenthoods of WNY do not offer Trans services

3.) Order hormones online. Not the best solution but would work in a pinch, definitely an option. I will likely make this happen if I don’t head back to California for a short time. I don’t look down on folks that go about this method, but I also don’t recommend it, especially if you have health issues.

4.) Stop taking hormones

As I’ve said before, I’m learning throughout this whole process and I’m in no way an expert at this, I’ve done a wealth of research but still have much to learn. Just know, I’ll always take great consideration in my choices, and always make sure to keep my overall health as a main focus in my life. I’ve included a video that says much of what I’ve said in this post, I’ll be filling you in with the details as soon as I know what’s going on, right now there’s a tons of options ahead of me, I’m just waiting to see which one is going to be ideal. I’m glad I have so many options, I guess that’s why I’ve been so optimistic. I guess it proves you can make it happen if you really want it.

If you’re going to donate to the blog, now would be the time to do it. There’s a paypal link on  the sidebar, I’m doing well but the help, well, it helps. I’ve got hair removal and SRS ahead of me, and that stuff isn’t cheap!  If you do, please leave your email so I can contact you personally. Thanks so much for reading, and as I say in the video, this isn’t bad, I’ve got a ton of options and they all will lead to a positive future.

More stuff soon ❤