further thoughts

I wrote this last Tuesday, NELIcon granted me a moment of clarity and got me thinking about where i’ve been, where i’m at and where i’m going. I was in a fantastic mood.

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I’m in Brooklyn right now, making my friends jealous, but I’m the one who’s been having (burning) jealousy issues. I’m sure everyone feels this way sometimes, especially we creative types, and the recent (burning) issues are surely attached to my blossoming femininity. I see transgirls further along than myself, girls and boys cuter than me, younger than me, people who have found their partners, people who (i imagine/assume) have had things better than me. Jealousy gets my feelings all a flutter, and instead of feeling glad for them, I felt upset that I wasn’t them or that I didn’t have the same advantages. These feelings lead to a chest-tightening fluster that is often felt but never expressed, it’s overwhelming, it’s called depression or anxiety or stinkin’ thinkin’ or whatever. I’d say by the end of my weekend at NELIcon I didn’t so much feel that way.

I had a moment of clarity this weekend, and I haven’t felt the (burning) jealousy since. I came to realize we’re all in this together, and I left Jersey feeling proud of those who came out and were a part of the event. I’ve yet to be a member of a community that lacks pretension (which in many ways the cause of jealousy) but being surrounded by “my people” and such positive feelings that I feel like many of my insecurities have washed away, leaving me renewed, empowered. I’m inspired to support others, as opposed to secretly mull over differences, this is what a family must feel like, to have advantages that many never had to be happy for them, unconditionally.
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it’s thursday now, I’ve been back from NYC for a week… still kinda floundering when it comes to my next step… i’ll be checking out Toronto, then likely back to NYC, it seems like things could be good for me there. Recharging my batteries, editing video, still pretty down and out with a cold, it’s windy and chilly… I can’t wait for spring.

aaaand so i’ll end this with a couple little pictures, the other half of my nursery ❤ I'm taking more pictures and stuff, feeling sexy, girly, curvy ❤ more stuff soon ❤

NELIcon thoughts

Hello friends! This is Riley, I’m back in Buffalo, but I’ve written quite a bit of this post in Jersey/NYC & different mental and physical states. I have thought and written extensively on this event, but heres a wrap-up. As I mentioned, I went out this weekend to participate in NELIcon, and I have to say that this experience has been nothing but positive for me. NELIcon took place in New Jersey as part of the North Eastern Littles Invasion, a moniker for a number of groups and munches focused around the American North East and beyond.

Positive is just one of the words I would use to describe how I feel about this event, so lets start there. I tweeted after the first night that “this reminds me of my first experience at a transgender leadership conference, so many like-minded folks just doing their thaaaaaang” and the aftertaste is just as sweet. Folks of all ages, colors, careers, backgrounds, spiritual/political alignments, all coming to together to celebrate what makes us unique. It’s inspiring to see people overcoming their own shyness, insecurities/boundaries to socialize. Humans NEED to express themselves, I have felt the weight that comes from not having that outlet, we need that freedom to dress, behave and live how we choose. I’ve seen it in the eyes of my many of my new friends, that glimmer of hope that everything really is going to be all right, I think it’s called happiness.

Happiness is another key word, but it’s the pursuit that i’m thinking of the most. Many of the folks came from great lengths to be a part of it, emotionally and geographically. I’m sure the first anthro (read: furry) convention elicited similar emotions of newfound freedoms. We’re talking about something that’s been in plain envelopes, locked bulletin boards, bedrooms and the recesses of our minds, the “closet” so to speak. No degree of alliteration can describe seeing what once was dark coming out into the light, a subculture sunrise for those involved, just a bunch of smiling folks smelling of baby-powder for the outsiders at our location. A wise DJ made a record titled “we’ve come a long way baby” – I’m looking forward to the future ❤

To everyone who had the pleasure to attend, thank you for coming and for being a part of what was for me something that I’ll remember forever… remember being the key word here. I filmed the event, but much of it is to be viewed exclusively by the attendees, discretion is a must. I’ll be posting some video from my trip and more diaper/cute/Riley stuff 🙂 I am thoroughly exhausted from the last week, I am getting over a cold after going from Jersey to the Bronx to Brooklyn and then back upstate. It looks like opportunity is ripe for the taking in NYC, good times ahead, and I’m looking forward to more events & more adventure! I’m excited!!!!

More stuff soon. ❤

haircute

Hello! I’ve got the sniffles and am feeling almost back to form, i usually get this way around the change of the seasons… here’s a cute haircut pic, and some kinda sad contemplation over some news in the media over at LetsGetSRS.com

….but for now check  out my hair ❤

more stuff soooooon, J. Christopher salon in Manhattan, and don’t get too distracted by my cute stylist ❤

mulling and sniffling

Hello there! I’m just writing to say another quick hello, I’ve been thinking about this last week, my time in Jersey, the Bronx and Brooklyn and the opportunities I have ahead of me. I have a bit of text i’ve written in a couple different states, mentally and geographically, but nothing ready to post. I’ve got a little case of the sniffles, and my brains been a little stormy. I don’t like talking about bad dreams, because I think that just spreads them. The topic i’m trying to breach, this moments darkness comes from Baltimore… I’ve been following @buckangel on twitter and theres been much ado about this article.

Frankly, I’ve been pretty upset about this “shock video” McDonalds assualt on a transwoman article, i don’t recommend watching the video. Essentially some folks beat up a transgirl for using the wrong bathroom… I’ve never been beaten up that bad, but I’ve feared for my life, I’ve been assaulted, I’ve had scary things happen in bathrooms. These things are to the point where I’m having difficulty speaking on it, part of who I am now is getting over some of those negative things and do what I can to make things better, I don’t need to go to that negative space right now. I feel so sorry for that woman, I imagine myself at 22, the fear and vulnerability, confusion. Will it ever get better? Will a petition really change anything, or is it energy in a passive direction when action is needed? What can I possibly do to help?? Seeing this happen kinda makes it seem like nothings changing, and thats whats wearing on my mind…

The news is hardly covering the transgender aspect, there still seems to be a disbelief that transpeople can be innocent victims of hate-crimes, theres always for blame on the victim if the victim is a transgirl. I’m pissed, I’m upset, I’m ready to do bathroom sit-ins and pry off signs, bathrooms are the battlegrounds where the battle for gender equality begins, and it’s not us who started it. I’m seeing other members of the community stand-up and take charge, it makes me feel stronger, makes me feel positive about where we’re going and whats happening… its funny how the news can effect your personal life… since I saw the video about 24 hours ago, it’s been in the front of my mind, getting the wheels spinning, the fire burning. Reality has a way of just crashing down on us like that.

I’m cheering up, ok, i listened to 30 seconds of this and feel a little better. Here’s a picture of my new haircut… I’ve been beaten down, but still feel beautiful.

To all the folks out there on the internets, stay strong, we’re in this together.




(Update) – Here’s a link to an interview with the victim. I fear this incident will be only a reminder of how poorly we’re treated, as opposed to a catalyst for change.

upstate again

Hello! I’m back from NELIcon in Jersey & a few days in NYC, just checking in to say that I’ve got some new pics, video and stories on the way! It was quite the adventure, and I’m looking forward to sharing it with you! 

http://youtu.be/-clCPqGquzg

more stuff soooooon!!!

upstate again

Hello! I’m back from NELIcon in Jersey & a few days in NYC, just checking in to say that I’ve got some new pics, video and stories on the way! It was quite the adventure, and I’m looking forward to sharing it with you! 

more stuff soooooon!!!

smiling

Hello there friends! heres some pics, big hugs!!! 

learning how to smile

Hello again! This is Riley Kilo, packing up her *stuff* and heading east, even more east than she already is! I’m going to be driving out to New Jersey for the North Eastern Littles Invasion, a conference for little folks and their partners. I’m going to be filming the event, and producing a video for the participants, it sounds like it’s going to be a positive, fun, safe event.  After the weekends festivities I’m going to be heading to NYC to visit friends and breathe in some of that city air. It should be an exciting little adventure, I’m actively pursuing the new opportunities that have come my way.

I’ve been good, not exactly great, but maintaining. My breasts are growing dramatically and it’s been wonderful, new feelings and everything. I’ve been very happy with diapers lately, I was afraid the TV experience and constant wearing would deter me from being able to enjoy diapers, this is definitely not the case. My crib has been a wonderful sanctuary for me, it’s beautiful and soft and everything I’ve ever wanted in a crib, i’ve been exploring my little-side with a greater than ever sense of introspection and understanding. It’s been good, and I’m feeling very positive about that part of my life.

Not to say that I’m miserable otherwise, but diapers and being little has been the warmth in what has been a very cold and discontenting(?) winter. I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. I’ve had a full plate, from traveling back to California to testify as witness (which I’m terribly glad is over) to making television (which I’m sure will be ultimately positive for myself and the community) to caring for a friend in the hospital (which is just what good friends do), life has been very *full*. And y’know, the toughest part of it all isn’t the *events*, it’s the overall depression I’ve been feeling. I’ve overcome many of my issues, but I still am learning how to be happy. I’m much happier when I’m out doing something positive, so I’m really looking forward to my upcoming adventure 🙂

I’m gooooood though, this is just part of life & hormones, I do pretty good when it comes to keeping my sanity. I will be posting more diaper stuff, I’ve been kinda introverted lately, domestic. I’ve been adjusting, I’ve been sleeping on the couch because it’s what I’m used to, but when I do feel like sleeping in the crib it’s really wonderful. I got to the ending of a video game for the first time in a long while, something to keep my hands moving while I lack the ability to be creative. I’ll be posting more stuff soon, and check out the NELIcon event on fetlife, if you haven’t already 🙂


Cute pictures later today, then more stuff sooooon! follow me on twitter @rileybbq – Wish me luck, safety and a positive adventure! Here’s an old one for ya, Everclear was a big band for me when I was younger, I always wanted Art Alexakis to be my Daddy 🙂 I feel so happy to have lived to experience the glory of 90’s music firsthand 😛

More stuff soon 🙂

past cribs

Here’s some pics of my past cribs! More stuff soon, I’ve been kinda lacking motivation, getting some back-end stuff figured out… relaxing a little bit too 🙂

Webmasters… please apply! Looking to re-imagine/upgrade the site and others.

pictureparty@live.com

❤

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more stories, stuff, pics, videos, everything ❤