i’m going to pee my pants

5/18      
           As rational people, we often times need to step back and rationalize our behavior, this post is kinda about that, but it’s mostly about me being on the verge of peeing my pants. At this moment i’m en route to NYC, wearing a Goodnite that I don’t really trust, on a bus with an unusable bathroom… I figured now was a good time to reflect.

A little background on my bathroom experiences… I’ve always hated public restrooms, they are often gross & unsafe for a girl like me, even gender neutral bathrooms make me uncomfortable. I’ve always been too self-conscious to use the bathroom in front of strangers, I get terribly nervous about the sounds, the other people, I’m afraid people are laughing at me… I know it sounds silly, but I’ve had a number of bad bathroom experiences, things like getting locked in a dark bathroom for too long at Christian summer camp, being threatened at Target and a couple other things that will give this post too dark of a theme than I’m comfortable sharing. If you know me well, you know I’m less about focusing on negatives and more about alternatives.

Diapers have lessened much of that stress. I still use public restrooms while I’m traveling, but mostly for changing from something wet to dry, though I have been known to pull my diaper down and use the restroom like a big girl. TI don’t wet if it would compromise my discretion, or if i’m not wearing a proper diaper (as is the case now) or lack of wanting to be in a wet diaper for an extended period. When I do change in public, the dash from the stall to the garbage can is always worrisome, I often bring little scented bags and dispose of the diaper in that manner. I’ve had a few awkward moments, but I’m sure most of my close-calls were all in my head, just over-anxious that other people are concerned about what i’m doing. I live much of my life in a very discrete manner, in my eyes and the eyes of others, I’m just a girl with special underwear, nothing to worry about 🙂

Writing isn’t really helping me pee less. I have my camera bag on my lap and can’t really position myself properly to wet in addition to the fact that leaking right now isn’t really an option. When I get to the city, I’ll find a starbucks or something, feel better, re-apply powder and get on with my day. There’s a ton of exciting things going on, but this happens to be what i’m thinking about the most at the moment, I’ll be posting more soon… thanks for reading!!!

*update*
5/22 I wrote this on the morning of the 19th, when I got to Manhattan, I visited multiple starbucks without public restrooms, and ended up wetting. Goodnites are surprisingly absorbent, especially if you’re wearing a skirt, as I was. I resumed my adventure a little wetter than I began, I’m happy with my diapers, I feel lovely in them, and though I’m feeling like a big girl sometimes, I know that I need my diapers, or I might just have an accident. I’m blushing right now.

6 thoughts on “i’m going to pee my pants

  1. Try being a Catholic T and using a the bathroom in the church hall. It can be quite an expierience untill every one knows you. I just go in and do my business and then come out.

  2. In a way, I understand you. I myself am hypersensitive and a lot of things insecure me. I know how you might feel. I wish I could be invisible sometimes.
    About people seeing you disposing a diaper, I think most people would think that you have some kind of disability and not that you are weird. 🙂
    Caroline

  3. As a random person who knows nothing about adult baby things except what I'm learning from this blog (hi there!) I can say that if I saw a person in the bathroom disposing of something in the manner you described I would assume there was some medical or other personal need and would not think twice about it. If anything, I would go out of my way not to look or say anything about it because things like that are private and people sometimes feel awkward about them, and I wouldn't want to cause the other person any undue embarrassment. I'm guessing most people would think a similar thing, so try not to worry!

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