you can dance if you want to

I’m crotch deep in this city right now. Its been 2 whole weeks since I came here, and I’ve already seen/done so much. I’ve been to transgender meetup groups, set up an appointment for a doctor, started the name change process, went to a few fetish munches and parties, and a day long fetish-con. Tonight I am visiting a club much like one I’ve mentioned in San Francisco, it’s a place where a young, attractive transgirl can make a bit of easy money, if she’s willing to take off her clothes and dance. I tend to break it down like that, it helps me rationalize my actions, it also kinda makes me laugh.

I don’t know what to expect, I imagine its a strip club and there’s rules/methods of doing things, I’m curious to see how NY differs from SF. I’m not desperate for the money, but I’m spending more than I’m making, at least in the last 2 weeks. It’s just a really interesting experience, you make good money and meet interesting people. I could walk in the place and be told I’m not cute enough, not transitioned enough, or not a good enough dancer, but I think my body is very marketable at this point. I’m not above using my physical apprerance to get into doors that otherwise would be closed, but I honestly do have a “righteous cause”. The internal debate of ends and means is there but complacency rarely wins out, at least since moving to NYC.

I feel hot! I feel sexy, why not do it? I was thinking earlier it surprised me how little I expected to do this, even as a young transgirl. I have never felt as attractive and/or attracted to myself as I am right now, and will stripping effect that? Will it effect my ego, and make me feel less awesome? Some of the coolest people I’ve known have stripped at one point, my junior prom & senior ball dates both became strippers. There’s a HUGE stigma about this, sex workers are not protected by the law, and it is sometimes the only option to make it in the city. I’m sacrificing my reputation (which wasn’t immaculate to begin with) to be open about something that many girls can’t be. This is real life, I will leave no detail omitted and I can still feel my integrity is intact, it’s hard to understand, so I’m putting it down on paper.

I connected with some of the girls in SF, learned a few origin stories, some of it was really sad, we were these shunned little sex workers. There is a very dark side to it all, the things that go on in the backroom, in the cars and tiny hotel rooms, the smeared makeup & roll of twenties on the dresser. You can be torn down by the mindset that everyone sees you as a whore, that you’ll never be accepted and these decisions will follow you forever. I already feel like an outcast, I felt like I was compromising my integrity when I was working for a major corporation or a controlling asshole at a coffee shop. I’m smart and tough enough to not get myself into too scary of a situation, and if something awful happens, it’s happened as I walked to work or existed in other places within mainstream society, why not have some control over the situation, go underground and stack bills? I need income to achieve my goals, and sometimes we have to take calculated risks.

I went on Cam4 this morning, and had 800 people watching me. I have a photographer or two to work with, I hope to produce a TON of content, of myself and others, and use that money to fund my creative projects, that’s the plan, and it looks like it’s working out. I’m excited, but still have a ton of work to do I’m going to give these clubs a shot on the east coast, and may my ego be the only thing bruised.

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