i’ll be your mirror

Hello friends! I recently went to Washington D.C. with the sole intention of reflection, that’s mostly what this post is about.

I met with my mom while she was traveling, she and I have a distant but loving relationship, she asked me what I regret the most and what my biggest gain was… I said my biggest regret was not taking better care of my teeth… and my biggest gain is learning inclusiveness, that accepting and including are different things and what it really means to reach out to people, the distinction between helping for good and/or egotism. I’m more free of prejudices, less afraid, going through the negative things at the end of 2010 made this year so much about discovery and exploring different ways of life. There have been some highs and lows, media exposure and loneliness, career and carcinogens, lust and loss… I filmed constantly, for myself and others… here’s my favorite thing I filmed this year…

This was at the infamous drag venue Sugarland in Brooklyn, a friend told me Peaches would be playing an unannounced DJ set there and I could come film, so I did, I got some crazy great footage that i’ll post eventually, but this was the best moment… I love NYC ❤

While I was in DC, I wanted to reflect on the year and my life, so I figured what better place than the reflecting pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial?

But it’s being torn up for repairs…  maybe this is a good hint that now is not a time for reflection, now might be the time to look forward. I’ve got a big exciting life ahead of me, I’ve learned my lessons and have more mistakes to make, but my future is bright, and i’m smiling ❤

Very excited about sharing the next year and more with you guys, thanks for reading and here’s to a wonderful, game-changing 2012! Hugs and StayDiapered from me and my bear ❤

weird post on weird internet

This site probably one of the weirder corners of the internet, lets be honest. I generally avoid terms like weird and normal as they are relative and compartmentalize people and actions, but we all know what weird is, so just go with me on this one. Imagine you’re a tax-paying 9-5’er, you have 2 freckle-face kids at your feet and a domestic goddess or dashing husband by your side. You take pride in your gender identity, your wedding was white and made your parents so proud, you’re saving up the college fund for little Timmy and Cindy and your recreation is a day out with the friends on Sundays and TV on school nights, as well as quietly humping to Billy Joel’s “The Stranger” a couple times a week. You have your quirks and secret shames, they live in a locked box behind the skis and old Christmas decorations, your great-grandkids will break it open someday and giggle at grandmas fist shaped dildo or granddad’s weightlifting magazines with the stuck together pages. You’ll be long gone by then and you never let those things seep into your identity, you live and die as the image you created of yourself.
There’s nothing wrong with living for family or structure etc, though many in the “normal” spectrum would probably think this site is pretty weird, a transgender girl waxing poetic about diapers and cuddles, living life in a strange way and doing strange things. You scare yourself imagining life without a car payment, without a life-partner, crafting a new gender identity and posting the intricate details of your life on the internet. Some of the things seem like your worse nightmare, losing control, bound and gagged against your will, forced to wet your diapers or take a large enema, made to stay in soiled diapers, humiliated and disciplined, to have what makes you an adult taken away and forced to be a little diapered slave. 
Sounds wonderful right? This all seems relatively normal to me, plenty of people have their own views on gender, love and life, my (our?) world is just a little different. Many cultures embrace travel and freedom from possessions, I grew up reading Kerouac, my lineage passed through the irish potato famine and the dustbowl. I’m not doing things much different from them, trying to pursue happiness, sometimes you’ve gotta cross coasts to do that. Folks live with strange alternative lifestyles/religions/ways to get through the day, and I don’t pretend theirs is any weirder than mine, nor do I judge. There is a Built To Spill song called “Reasons” that I love, I feel its about having a reason to be, a reason to get through your day and that’s all any of us are looking for. Be it heroin or family or to impress someone or to someday wet your bed like a girl, whatever reason it is, we all need a reason to be, and without it, we might be a little lost. Adding to that thought, Built to Spill on this track said “Who is who to say how flesh should be used and who should have it for that use?”… whatever your reason may be, it’s your reason, and that’s good enough. 
The whole purpose of this post was to show you a weird video I found on the internet. What I make may be weird to some, but is relatively normal for AB/DL folks, just a girl in a crib (or on adventures) talking about diapers and being little. This video is weird, and has weird things going on it. I just went and watched some of their other videos, and those are weird too. A mostly non-kinky friend who knows i’m really into food/food education as well as diapers sent me this. I agree with the thoughts on the way the environment etc is going, but the presentation is just… weird. 
I’m not saying this is a must see video but it’s worth a strange peek, I usually can’t stand most of the content on the youtubes because they’re often over-titled and not worth sitting through. I went to high school with the kids from Smosh, we took the same film/video class, I was working on anti-bullying and drunk driving stuff, they were making pokemon videos, I remember thinking that they were going to get nowhere with their silly little videos. Honestly, the flareons of jealousy don’t apply here, they make media for a different audience, they would be the white picket fences to my damp dark basement. They’re nice guys, I’d probably have worse things to say if that wasn’t the case, I wish them the best ❤
Enjoy the weird video, and if you try really hard, I bet you could masturbate to it. Especially the part when she pretends a pantry is a door to another room and just slowly closes the door on herself. I want a crinkly girl in my pantry!
More stuff soon ❤

::weird post over::

post this on your friendster

Hey there! I had a cuddly lovely evening yesterday, ate and crinkled and played with a very cute puppy, I love Christmas puppies. I tried not to be too cynical this season, I didn’t focus on the holidays this year, but the actual *day of* was nice, one of my more pleasant ones, I was crinkly all day and my morning webcam chat was really fun, thanks to everyone who visited ❤

I’d like to quickly post about the NYC ageplay munch, you can click the tab that says “NYC Munch!” near the top of this page, It should be awesome, I’m excited about meeting ageplayers in NYC and surrounding areas and the venue I’ve set up should be a good match. If you can make it to Times Square, you can make it to this munch, so come along! Very low-pressure event, check out LittlesMunch.com for more info ❤

the rosy red cheeks of a snow country child

They came in by the dozens, walking or crawling.
Some were bright-eyed.
Some were dead on their feet.
And they came from zimbabwe,
Or from soviet georgia.
East saint louis, or from paris, or they lived across the street.
But they came, and when they’d finally made it here,
It was the least that we could do to make our welcome clear.
Come on in, we haven’t slept for weeks.
Drink some of this, this’ll put color in your cheeks.
-=Happy Holidays=-
From Riley Kilo and Cincy Bear ❤

Bear Stuff

Helllllo! Hope your staying warm this December the 24th. I’m feeling cozy and warm, feeling good, warm, I have my stuffys and my sleepers, cozy things around me ❤
I made a happy little video and will be doing a happy little webcam thingy on TinyChat tomorrow morning, from 8 to 9:30 in the morning, EST.  It’s free and easy to get in, i’ll be reading a story or two and sharing some cheer. I’m very cuddly right now, it’s been a big long year and have a big year ahead of me, hibernating a bit before my busy January, i’m diapered 24/7, sleeping in my crib, loving my bear, happy girl ❤
Here’s my smiley video…

I realized while editing this that all of my favorite stuffed animals are gifts from friends…
My bear is from Cincinnati
My horsey is from Mendocino
My bunny is from Buffalo
My lobster is from San Francisco
My pink puppy is from Sacramento
My monkey is from New Jersey
My giraffe is from Pennsylvania
My jellybean puppy is from Amazon (hehe)
My main cast of stuffed characters all have special meaning to me, I love my real and my animal friends… thanks to everyone for all the kind things, the comments and emails and gifts and donations over the years ❤ If I haven't, I will be getting back to E-mails but please be patient, I try to put the amount of care into my response as you put into the initial letter. Happy thoughts go out to all the littles and bigs and everyone in between, stay warm and staydiapered, and seeya tomorrow morning!

“Bear and I”

omelette du fromage

Hello! I’ve been watching Dexters Laboratory lately, so I thought I’d post a video of me building a robot –

Kinda weird, thoughtful, potentially triggering post today, bear with me.

I wasn’t really building a robot, but computers are kinda like boring robots, not the depressing Robin Williams or fun Bender robots. This is one of many PC’s I’ve built for myself and others, my brother and I built our first PC from thrift store parts and duct tape when I was 12, it was like putting together Legos but if you fit these pieces together correctly it turned into even more awesome games and building tools. Visual Basic on a 33mhz compaq felt like my first step into wizardry school, I was programming at a very young age and wanted to make video games or do special effects in movies. I loved computers, outside was scary, computers were safe and something I could do when much of the world was making me believe I wasn’t worth anything.

Aaaaaand then I was in 8th grade gym class, getting undressed in the locker room. I was tiny, maybe 5ft and 125 lbs (I’m 5’7” and 120 now) and I had tiny little breasts, I remember the doctor telling me that 1 in 10 boys get them. They weren’t like my sensitive, lovely breasts now, they were just little bits of extra fatness my classmates called… ahem… “bitch tits”. I was understandably self-conscious about them and never really took off my shirt, I was awkward. I had just started puberty and was feeling very dysphoric, though I didn’t understand gender/transitions or anything like that back then, I was pretty homophobic. This is one of the times in my life where someone took advantage of my vulnerability, while changing my clothes in the locker room a bully (a hulking beast who transferred to this school after breaking the jaw of a kid at his last school) picked me up and took me outside in my underwear and embarrassed the hell out of me. My entire class was laughing at me, the bully was swinging me around and accidentally let go causing me to fall down the locker room stairs. I broke both of my wrists at once. I ran away crying, everyone still laughing, I told my teacher that I hurt myself, he told me “that sounds like a personal problem”. I sat in the PE office until they finally sent me to the main office, I couldn’t stop crying and was being treated as a wimp and crybaby, not as a programmer who just lost their tools.

I broke the growth plate on my right hand and fractured the radius on the left. I had to wear two casts, my brother had to help shower me, I couldn’t use computers, make a sandwich, masturbate, button my shirt, do anything. The teacher called it horseplay and gave the kid 3 days suspension. We pressed charges, the principle wouldn’t let a cop onto the school grounds. I spent the rest of 8th grade under the shadow of this monster, we eventually got a lawyer but nothing really came from it, we were poor and my mom worked 2 jobs, my stepfather too drunk to make any proper phone calls. He played guitar well and was popular for it, I was made fun of for crying and for being “limp wristed”, he still had all his friends. I had unhealthy fantasies about hurting him, an extended family member had killed themselves recently at a very young age, I felt inspired. I felt like the world was this big scary forest  filled with Chucky dolls and yelling and crying and fear, My brain reacted, I stopped believing in eternity because I was afraid to *feel* forever, heaven was as scary as hell, dysphoria and bad memories and the overwhelming sense of betrayal i’d felt from the world made me want it all to go off like a light switch. That moment changed everything, the end of a chapter, the end of a childhood that never really was.

Out of the broken dismay of sad, helpless mess grew me, and I can maybe not feel sad about it. There was no one thing that made me feel better, no inspiration or action or book that made me pull myself up from this agony and start doing something positive. If was forced to extrovert, I had started doing a bit of acting in 8th grade, started to focus on that. I plagiarized a stand-up comedy set (mostly from Jim Breuer) and was a hit at the school talent show, I played tiny tim in the christmas play and wrote my own speech, I started getting recognized for positive things. I was never confident before, I started to feel like I was worth something, like maybe I could make something of myself.

I hadn’t forgotten what I knew about computers, I just couldn’t crank out code or chat on IRC like I once could. I used my knowledge to fix the computers around the neighborhood, we were always moving so I had plenty of new clients. I got connected with a local magazine and fixed all of the computers in their office, they wrote an article about me as “the next bill gates”, its funny to look back at that these days. I couldn’t “do”, so I taught the old folks and soccer moms how to use computers at reasonable rates, before the Geek Squad thing started. I learned there was such a thing as social engineering, I was making good money, basically failing out of a school system that did nothing to protect me, I eventually graduated high school with a 1.9 GPA yet still spoke at graduation. I continued with my consultation company and still occasionally build PC’s for other folks. I speak to type (which still isn’t perfect) and I’ve since broken my left wrist again, I can’t do data entry or program and haven’t kept up on the latest trends, but I still love computer science and tinkering with hardware.

There’s no fairytale ending really, though looking around my nursery right now it does kinda feel like I grew up to be a princess… I needed to get some off this stuff off my back, but there’s also a purpose for me telling this story – Where would I be if I wouldn’t have had my wrists broken? Would I have had the strength to transition? Would I be writing a blog about my life, my crinkles and my struggles? Would I have gone the path of my sibling, become an engineer, get married, have a kid, play Starcraft? Would I have had the determination to endure the slings and arrows from society, from my stepfather or from the college professor that loved me at such a young age, would that weight have crushed me? Would I have learned empathy, or would I be an asshole? Would I sit around wondering what would have been?

My life has been tough, so much loss, so much fear, so many hangovers and regrets… and hand in hand with that is the wanderlust of it all, I’ve seen so much, been so comfy and warm, I have so many friends and lovers and ideas and stuff that keeps me going. Again I come back to what is essentially the theme of this site, you can overcome whatever bad things people have done to you. You can change your path, you can get over the hurt and find something new. It’s not your fault, or their fault, people do stupid things for stupid reasons, we learn and move on. It may not be what you’ve always wanted or imagined, it’s your life to lead somewhere you want. I grabbed the world by the tits and haven’t let go. I’ve been using friends, walls and substances to deal with some of the more fragile bits of my psyche, I just started seeing a therapist and I’m feeling positive about that. My journey is still happening, I’m sure i’m going to be sad again, things will hurt so much that I have to shut my eyes and grit my teeth. Someday I may be so proud that I cry, so happy I purr, so melancholy I stay in bed, I’m not sure whats ahead… Lao Tzu said “a good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving” and though I have plans and intentions I will embrace whatever new doors open. I may not be a computer programmer or college graduate or a well constructed mint-condition Riley, but life has dropped me here and I’m done looking back for now, time to move on ❤

On the topic of moving on, I’ve built myself a new computer, and did a timelapse on my new camera. I got some good deals on NewEgg for black friday, lots of new stuff coming out soon with my lovely new tools. More pics and stuffs soooooooon, this is going to be a very crinkly christmas for StayDiapered.com

(post read for audio accessibility)

prep

Are you excited about my little *free* webcam show tonight? 
LIVE from my nursery in upstate NY
There will be a storytime, showing off my newly stuffed bear, thoughts on munches, adventure, the new bambinos and more! 
I have no idea what to expect, will probably be a small, personal affair – stop on by and say hello ❤
crinkles and cuddles and more stuff soon! 
(pics are of from Wednesday night after 15 hours, 3 states & 2 boroughs in a bambino)