Partly Trained

I wet my pants 😦

Thank you everyone that’s been following my crinkly (or not so crinkly) little adventures since I came to LA… Here’s a new video, I don’t know how many more accidents I can take before I have to get back into diapers for good…

tricksy little bear

I went potty in my bed 😦

I was feeling so grown up, I was so confident that I would be able to hold it all night. I went to bed wearing a little cotton romper and snuggled my teddy bear (who I think is partly responsible) and thought for just a moment that a diaper would be a good idea because I had a bug glass of lemonade before I brushed my teeth and went to bed… I guess I was just too comfy, too secure in my new environment, the big girl in me just faded away and I reverted back to the little girl who loves and needs her diapers. I thought I was a big girl, but waking up with my wet panties and my wet romper made me feel so little, I just wanted to suck on my thumb (which I did) and put on a diaper (which I couldn’t) and be a little girl again, but I told myself “diapers are for little girls and you’re not a little girl”, and I felt more grown up. Hollywood is no place for a bedwetter, so I put on my button up shirt and I’m about to head towards a coffee shop and drink coffee like a mature young woman.

The more i think of it, my bear whispered in my ear that I should wet. My bear is a devious bear and maybe my litle friend saw that I was acting all grown up and out of diapers, maybe they turned the faucet on late at night or even put my hand in a cup of water. I don’t like to punish my bear because they’re just a silly baby bear, but since I’m such a grown up I couldn’t possibly have went potty at night all on my own, I put my bear in the corner for 10 minutes to think about it. Of course I gave my bear a cuddle afterwards and they still denied it, I hope I wasn’t wrong because Cincy bear is such a sweety that they get upset if I’m dissapointed, but again, I’m a big girl and couldn’t have possibly wet the bed on my own.

I hope the people that wear diapers out there aren’t upset with me or how I’ve been treating my bear, I just have matured past the point of wearing diapers (I hope) and theres lots of people and stuffys that still can’t control themselves and have to wear diapers or pads or sleep on rubber sheets, but I’m past all those baby things. I hardly even sucked my thumb, I am a big grown-up in Hollywood California, this is no place for a potty pants girl like the Riley you have seen talk about loving diapers. That feels like so long ago, I guess time is different when see through the eyes of a mature woman-of-today like me. I even wore lipstick like only big girls do (though I do miss my Dr. Pepper lip gloss)

I’m going to be a grown-up girl, and you think I might finally realize that I’m just a potty pants girl and accept my diapered self, but that’s not going to happen because I’m a potty trained girl and can hold my wetness for as long as I want 🙂

More stuff soon, hugs and though I may not be, please, please StayDiapered, i’m sure it feels as good as I remember. I am giving my bear lots of snuggles and hugs, bear is in my arms as I write this… Cincy Bear is tricky (and crinkly) but I love my baby bear all the same 🙂

Potty Trained

Hello friends, your cuddly little girl has a new video to share!

It’s been a whole week since I’ve worn my diapers, I’ve been wearing pretty panties that have been stowed away because I haven’t been responsible enough to choose my own underwear, I have been in diapers for so long because if not I will make my skirt or bed all soggy 😦 I haven’t wet my pants or had any accidents at all since I’ve been here, I guess I’m finally old enough to be potty trained! It feels nice to know that I can wear big girl panties without fear of embarrassment or anything. When I was on the plane coming in I wore a diaper because I was afraid I’d leak if I took a nap, waking up with pee pants on a plane doesn’t sound like fun… but I’m a big girl and I don’t need to wear diapers anymore 🙂

Not even training pants for me, I wore the ones with little princesses on them so I could get used to wearing big girl undies but now I don’t even wear those. Panties with padding in them are for toddlers and thumbsuckers, not mature grown-ups like me. No matter how cute they are or if they have my favorite princesses and yes sometimes I wish I had them on just for that feeling of wetness, but I’m potty trained now and diapers are for babies. I don’t have any and I don’t need any, so that’s that! My friend says that I’m a little girl and I need my diapers so they are sending me some ATN’s… “Just in case” they say, if I have a long trip (which I can do without a carseat) I may need them but I’ll show them and lift up the seat of the potty, pull down my big girl panties and pee like a mommy would. The potty does make lots of noise like on a airplane and sometimes i’m nervous and I wet before I get all my clothes out of the way and make wet spots on them. Sometimes I can’t even make it and make a big accident but those are all problems that an adult like me doesn’t have, now that I’m potty trained and don’t need to always be in crinkly diapers.

I’m tired of crinkling all over, when I’m at a coffee shop I’m sure people can see a little bit of diaper poking out, you can’t hide them all the time and I get embarrassed, they must know that I can’t hold it and have to wear diapers… They must know that when I get home I cuddle my bear and wear little kids pajamas and sometimes use a binky and sometimes wake up in a full diaper and smell like pee and baby powder 😦 I wear big girl clothes and dress like a mature twenty-something but when they hear the crinkle I blush and get all shy. Now that I don’t wear diapers people will see me as a grown up and all I have to do is stay dry and I’ll be fine.

I will be posting a new video tomorrow telling you how my life in panties is, my bed has sheets that don’t make noise when you move around in them because I don’t pee myself at night anymore, if you call me a bed wetter I’ll laugh and say “not anymore!”

I hope you enjoy the little video, as you can see my bear still has to wear diapers because they are still a baby bear, but the girl you see in the video is 100% potty trained and will never need diapers again! Every night I stay dry I put a gold star on my phone, I have 8 gold stars so far and i’m going to get a million more because I’m out of diapers for good! I know everyone out there thinks I’m being silly and I’ll wet my pants on accident because Riley is a diaper girl and she can’t help it, but I’ve grown up and matured and my little breasts are even getting bigger, a sign that I’ve developed past the need for protection. I’ll post tomorrow and show you my ninth gold star and stick my tongue out for not believing me.

I hope you like the video and I’ll see you tomorrow! Now that I’m not in diapers this blog is going to be about real estate and insurance futures, the stock market and architecture. Those are topics a grown up like me is interested in, not stuffed animals and footy sleepers. Crinkles and cuddles are for babies and for people who go potty in their pants 😛

I’ll keep you posted ❤

anthems for a 25 year old girl

It’s been just over 6 days since I arrived in Hollywood and everything went better than expected.

I had my little LAX sleepover and found an apartment no more than 7 hours off the metro, very thankful for that, I was the first to get to the place. Very fortunate. I moved in the same day, had a place to sleep and didn’t have to pay for a motel or anything. I was literally crying tears of happiness that first night, it was like, wow, that worked, I made it.

I landed in LA with some cash tucked into the back of my jeans, a teddy bear and a suitcase. I found places where it’s ok to hangout until I found a place, funny how a hundred dollar bill changes a waitresses opinion of you. I really had no idea that it would be this easy. It could/should have been much more dramatic, honestly I was expecting the worst, scary motels and imposing my travel worn self on friends, traveling up to SF to wait until the 1st, buying a  car and living in it, all these extraneous scenarios. I never expected to find a perfect little place and to move in the same day into my own private little room. I can close my door and lock it at night, knowing that I own that space. For this delocated auburn haired young woman, it feels so good to open my door, close it, lock it, be secure. I can leave late at night or early in the morning and not bother anyone, it’s an awful neighborhood but it’s literally Hollywood compared to the South South Bronx, I feel safe, thats enough for me. I’m so happy thatn everything went better than expected… I was ready for the hard times but maybe i’ve already paid my dues, caught a break this time.

The first night at my place felt the my last night of a long, long tour. I didn’t have sheets on my bed, the place came furnished which was a big plus but I didn’t want to sleep on this strange bed. I put on all my jackets and pajamas and used my bear as a pillow, much as I had done the night before at LAX. Comfortable would not be a way to describe that night, but it had to happen for a couple reasons aside from a foreign bed and no sheets. First, I always sleep on the floor of my apartment the first night so I can connect with the space, it’s a weird habit but it makes the place feel like its mine… I’m all about weird habits ❤ I'd say the main part that cheered me up was lying on the floor in my hobo attire, thinking, "hooray! This may be the last night I have to sleep on floors and couches, I'll have my own bed!" That thought felt so good, you'd have to been in my shoes to really understand, no alliteration can describe that feeling of warmth, of safety on the cold floor of my new home. Home, like Love, is a word i'm finally starting to feel comfortable using. I ate a sandwich with mayonnaise on it. Sounds silly, but that's the first time I have without getting grossed out, at a young age I made the stern decision against mayonnaise, and a particularly traumatic experience with macaroni salad solidified my disgust. I can't remember much of my early 20's, or of my childhood, but I sure as hell remember my stepfather forcing me to eat macaroni salad… if you haven't picked up on this from the last few posts, my stepfather lacked compassion (was a total dick). Exploring is all about, well, exploring, and as it turns out, this gooey substance that I despised turned out to be pretty good on a roast beef panini, seems the sandwich eating community had the right idea. I wonder what else I've been missing out on? I've heard heroin and face tattoos are pretty cool too…    All kidding aside, l'm not going to go crazy here in Hollywood, I know the perception is that the lights etc change a person, but you can trust that my sense of self will be in tact… I may do things that are uncharacteristic of a sweet little girl, I'm a complicated young woman, and I find (and constantly search) for balance in life, and know that for every mature, adult action I take, there's the heart of a little girl pulling the strings. I've always said I'll retire as a submissive, as someones little girl, and for now I'll explore the full spectrum of my sexuality, the top, the mommy, the teenage riot, the raw sexual being who transcends state and gender lines, the pornographer and model, a physical embodiment of kink. I'm in the right place to make the worlds best pornography, and get the behind/in front of the camera experience that is going to take me places I only had only dreamt about while dozing off in Film&Literature class.  "Hey Riley, just don't get cocky, don't forget your origins, don't forget your kind heart and love for every living thing” 

Every time I walk by a mirror i can’t help but look at myself (modeling)
Every time I look at myself I can’t help repeat my mantra.. stay sane, stay positive (activism)
Stay Diapered and Stay kinky (blogging) 
Don’t let anybody number #2 on the fact that you’re #1 (life)

I love life, I love myself as a semi-sweet adult and a semi-adult sweetheart, I’m happy and right and good, practicing my ideal ideas. I know it can come off as insincere because I’m writing to a group, a select few wont skip over this block of text and get my little message… I love and cherish anyone who has thought of me or written in support, I feel like Wendy from Peter Pan, brought back to a healthy state by the claps of a million ABDl or transpeople, they brought this little pixie girl back to life through her hard times so long ago, and I’ll always be by your side, rooting you on 🙂

I’m being silly and my alliteration is close to illiterate, I’m just going to step away from my little touch keoybiard and end this post with sweet, loving thoughts from the west coast, and 
MORE 
STUFF 
SOOOOOOOON! 
(The caps and the spacing just made me this post that much more SRS)

Sky Bear & The World Of Tomorrow

I put my bear back into diapers…

While packing for a flight recently i was going to put my bear into my suitcase and just take my puppy with me, but i decided that i wanted my bear. I’m a grown up and i can make big decisions like what stuffed animal to fly with! I have a love/hate relationship with the flying. I really love seeing fantastic things like mountain ranges and the sky above the clouds, i love getting perspective, to see these people as ants make you realize how small you are, how there’s a million homes and cities and people and planes even. Being an optimist (or a sunny-side up nihilist as I put it) means I don’t see my triumphs or relationships or place in the world as insignificant, I only see my hardships as small, my hardships are my own, my successes effect others. Sadness feels so much heavier than happiness, I think that’s why it carries so much weight, tears down your world and makes you feel alone. Happiness feels like the world is on your side 🙂

Annnnnyway, I digress,  it must be the weather, I’m feeling very smiley… I was talking about flying bears… No, the flipside of flying was the topic,  the ups and downs and turbulence, that’s why I have my baby bear on the flight with me. When I was little my stepfather would force me onto rides like splash mountain or Jurassic Park or other nasty ones, kicking and screaming. The mix of public and personal shame was atrocious, and the literal force they used to get me on there would prolly get them arrested these days… I wasn’t raised by “talk it out” people, “spank it out” is a lot more appropriate. 

Big time phobia, I can’t stand heights, it’s  nightmare fuel for me. I can go to the top of a big building or on avast elevator or whatever, but it scares me to death. Roller-coasters give you that feeling of flying all over the place, I don’t like that feeling. Coming back from Beijing to SF in 2005  was the worst, San Francisco  was rainy, lightning, you fly in not too far off of the ocean and it just madness, the plane would drop 40feet out of nowhere,  your butt comes off the chair, i’m getting goosebumps thinking of it now. I was flying Air China and by the condition of the cabin you’d think there was another room with guys on bicycles keeping the plane in the air. I didn’t eat, the inflight movie was about a woman with bad breath and if lightning didn’t hit our plane, it sure as hell looked like it did. I survived and lived to tell the tale of something that I’m sure thousands of people do everyday.

It was snowing in NY, snowing in DC and much to my surprise, snowing in Seattle. Scary landings and going through clouds was rough but this bundled up little girl just snuggled her teddy bear until she was safely on the ground. I looked like an unaccompanied minor when I got off the plane at 11pm at LAX, my bear and I huddled for warmth in the cold tomb of this foreign airport. At maybe 2am, a security guard came up to me and I feared they’d ask me to get a hotel, instead they showed me a warmer corner to inhabit. I felt welcome as soon as I landed, I sometimes think people know that inside of this weather worn exterior is a sweet little girl who only wants to cuddle with her bear and be warm and safe, out to do no harm.

Wearing my diapers also makes me feel safe, like the warm embrace of a teddy bear… Cincy wears diapers too, they may be a big tuff bear but he still needs crinkles sometimes. Before I left I pulled his diapers diapers off (a Luvs from the 90’s) and put it in my bag so I would raise less eyebrows on my travels. Unbeknownst to me TSA went through my bag, i found a note while unpacking my bag later, kinda felt weird and I’m sure I made things interesting for the security guard who went through my stuff, especially the random, clean diaper lying right on top. They probably thought I was cheap… thought I spent all my money on dildos, pajamas and sexy outfits, which took up most of the rest of my bag.

My bear and I don’t mind raising a few eyebrows, we just mind our own business and give each other little snuggles now and then, he’s the best pillow in the world and his little bean bag hands always makes me feel grounded if the skies get a little rough, I take good care of him because he takes good care of me. I would post a snuggly pic but I’m out in the world and my bear is home guarding my new place. I’ll have Internet at home soon and I’ll share our little place with you 🙂

Thanks for reading about me and my bear and our high flying adventures. I’ll flesh this out with pics eventually, check my twitter (@rileybbq) for a recap of the last 4 days or so in LA, I’ll be keeping you posted as to what trouble bear and I get into next. For now I’m going to head home and squeeze my bear back into his little plastic diapers, give his crinkly bottom a pat and cuddle up for the evening, more stuff soon 🙂

Feelin’ it

Hello again! Things are moving fast and feeling it, let’s talk about feelings, shall we?

I’m feeling welcome, it’s been a little over 48 hours since I arrived in Hollywood and things are going great. I scored a tiny and perfect apartment, getting Internet and everything figured out, I’m safe and happy and enjoying a cup of coffee at a little spot here in N. Hollywood. I miss the California coffee scene, you can make friends with folks just by dropping names and talking shop, very open-minded folks. My reputation was tarnished by getting fired by one of the premiere shops in NorCal, luckily the coffee people down here know those guys are pricks, and drama is drama and coffee is coffee. It’s nice to be back, California is my homeland, and it always will be.

Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos

I’m feeling warm, this is a brand new adventure, season 6 of Riley Kilo’s “Protection Blog”, now known as “StayDiapered”. I’ll be keeping you posted, my computer is on its way from New York and this IPad a wonderful reader bought me as a coast-warming gift is my best tool available. I’ve wanted one since another lovely reader sent me an iPod touch a little over a year and a half ago, it’s the reason why I’ve been able to (somewhat) consistently blog while on the road, this will drastically improve that ability. I’m glad I haven’t forgotten all of my HTML stuff, have to publish raw on blogger for now, ill try and keep it pretty. I also understand that its N. Hollywood, so I’ll be cautious as to where I whip my device out, I always am 🙂

I’m feeling positive, I think I’ll be able to really do some good work here, make a name for myself in a really good way. NYC was a success, I made my mark, got in some media and some blogs, did some good work with activist groups and learned some priceless lessons in organizing and inclusions. By the time I left I was running into friends constantly, I felt like I belonged there but California was calling, I had to answer,. I’m still doing the NYC Munch from an organizational role, will likely start one here as well. Will be interesting to see how things get going here, as usual I’ll keep you posted.

I’m feeling cautious, NYC is as expensive as it is expansive, your money just slips through the cracks. Metro cards and taxis and trader joes and rent, dear god the rent, it can really suck you dry if you’re not smart… I could have been smarter. A very noble friend of mine introduced the term “Full Austerity Mode” to me, meaning keep the expenses super low, singles over doubles, no little pleasures, just the necessities. I’ve spent about a 100$ setting up my apartment with discount store stuff, it came furnished which was a big bonus. No concerts or video games, water with a meal and taxis only in emergencies. My block is kinda rough and I’m not letting surviving in the Bronx get me cocky, this is a different beast. Getting attacked on the subway on my way out of NYC was a reminder that I’m not invincible and that I damn well better keep my situational awareness at 11 whenever I’m on transit or in any sort of questionable situation. This young woman in the big city is going to watch her wallet and her ass, try to stay in one piece.

I’m feeling free. I’m feeling strong, awake. It’s the coffee and the pacific ocean and the well wishes of readers like you. I still have a 100+ emails that I need to answer, I feel like I’ve left a lot of folks hanging, and for that I apologize. Lots of stuff happening in the media etc, I’ll give some incite on my recent TV appearance, plus some personal stuff about coast hopping, snow, cloth diapers and my new little place. I have no idea what my next post will be about, but stay tuned (and diapered and kinky) for more thoughts, pics, videos, love. I’ll finish this with the scene before cuddling up in bed last night, there were tears in my eyes while I took this pic. The homeless, tattered and scared young girl has mended over the last year, returning to her coast healthy and learned. Thanks for being here with me!

Cincy Bear and I couldn’t be happier 🙂

SOPA and LA

I’m not trying to make any statements about SOPA by having my site up still. All I have is this little IPod to publish on, for now 🙂

I landed in LA, I’m as safe as anyone, more adventure to come! I’ll keep you posted 🙂

In the voice of the comic book guy… “Worst Post Ever”… More stuff sooooon

*update*


New little “I’m ok” video ❤