I put my bear back into diapers…
While packing for a flight recently i was going to put my bear into my suitcase and just take my puppy with me, but i decided that i wanted my bear. I’m a grown up and i can make big decisions like what stuffed animal to fly with! I have a love/hate relationship with the flying. I really love seeing fantastic things like mountain ranges and the sky above the clouds, i love getting perspective, to see these people as ants make you realize how small you are, how there’s a million homes and cities and people and planes even. Being an optimist (or a sunny-side up nihilist as I put it) means I don’t see my triumphs or relationships or place in the world as insignificant, I only see my hardships as small, my hardships are my own, my successes effect others. Sadness feels so much heavier than happiness, I think that’s why it carries so much weight, tears down your world and makes you feel alone. Happiness feels like the world is on your side 🙂
Annnnnyway, I digress, it must be the weather, I’m feeling very smiley… I was talking about flying bears… No, the flipside of flying was the topic, the ups and downs and turbulence, that’s why I have my baby bear on the flight with me. When I was little my stepfather would force me onto rides like splash mountain or Jurassic Park or other nasty ones, kicking and screaming. The mix of public and personal shame was atrocious, and the literal force they used to get me on there would prolly get them arrested these days… I wasn’t raised by “talk it out” people, “spank it out” is a lot more appropriate.
Big time phobia, I can’t stand heights, it’s nightmare fuel for me. I can go to the top of a big building or on avast elevator or whatever, but it scares me to death. Roller-coasters give you that feeling of flying all over the place, I don’t like that feeling. Coming back from Beijing to SF in 2005 was the worst, San Francisco was rainy, lightning, you fly in not too far off of the ocean and it just madness, the plane would drop 40feet out of nowhere, your butt comes off the chair, i’m getting goosebumps thinking of it now. I was flying Air China and by the condition of the cabin you’d think there was another room with guys on bicycles keeping the plane in the air. I didn’t eat, the inflight movie was about a woman with bad breath and if lightning didn’t hit our plane, it sure as hell looked like it did. I survived and lived to tell the tale of something that I’m sure thousands of people do everyday.
It was snowing in NY, snowing in DC and much to my surprise, snowing in Seattle. Scary landings and going through clouds was rough but this bundled up little girl just snuggled her teddy bear until she was safely on the ground. I looked like an unaccompanied minor when I got off the plane at 11pm at LAX, my bear and I huddled for warmth in the cold tomb of this foreign airport. At maybe 2am, a security guard came up to me and I feared they’d ask me to get a hotel, instead they showed me a warmer corner to inhabit. I felt welcome as soon as I landed, I sometimes think people know that inside of this weather worn exterior is a sweet little girl who only wants to cuddle with her bear and be warm and safe, out to do no harm.
Wearing my diapers also makes me feel safe, like the warm embrace of a teddy bear… Cincy wears diapers too, they may be a big tuff bear but he still needs crinkles sometimes. Before I left I pulled his diapers diapers off (a Luvs from the 90’s) and put it in my bag so I would raise less eyebrows on my travels. Unbeknownst to me TSA went through my bag, i found a note while unpacking my bag later, kinda felt weird and I’m sure I made things interesting for the security guard who went through my stuff, especially the random, clean diaper lying right on top. They probably thought I was cheap… thought I spent all my money on dildos, pajamas and sexy outfits, which took up most of the rest of my bag.
My bear and I don’t mind raising a few eyebrows, we just mind our own business and give each other little snuggles now and then, he’s the best pillow in the world and his little bean bag hands always makes me feel grounded if the skies get a little rough, I take good care of him because he takes good care of me. I would post a snuggly pic but I’m out in the world and my bear is home guarding my new place. I’ll have Internet at home soon and I’ll share our little place with you 🙂
Thanks for reading about me and my bear and our high flying adventures. I’ll flesh this out with pics eventually, check my twitter (@rileybbq) for a recap of the last 4 days or so in LA, I’ll be keeping you posted as to what trouble bear and I get into next. For now I’m going to head home and squeeze my bear back into his little plastic diapers, give his crinkly bottom a pat and cuddle up for the evening, more stuff soon 🙂