On and on…

Hugs hugs hugs! I bought some new crinkles!

Life is good, hugs all around, more stuff soon!

Tranquilty ATN

Hey there! Today’s post and video will be about the Tranquility ATN’s ❤

First off, I love these diapers! They aren’t the best, they aren’t the cheapest, but I really, really have become fond of them. Let me give you the basics… The Tranquility line of diapers features a number of different styles and qualities of diapers, this post will be on the “All Through The Night”, or ATN brief. Tranquility also makes a slimline brief which I’ve had mixed results with, a inferior Pull-Up line and a number of pads and miscellaneous diapers.The ATN’s are the way to go, smalls are a bit too small and get soaked even after one wetting. This little naughty video of mine shows how full I get small ATN’s. Medium ATN’s are the focus of this post, lets dive into the pros and cons!

Pro: Plastic, Bulky and LOUD ❤

I’ll assume i’m speaking to a mostly an AB/DL crowd here, though some of the positives of the ATN’s are geared specifically for incontinent folks. I’ve grown attached to these diapers because they crinkle like crazy, they’re like a big hug and have a lovely bulky feeling. The plastic on the ATN is very strong and the leg gathers feel comfy, there’s lots of extra plastic on the top and sides so the crinkle factor is pretty high, I sometimes roll down the top part to make it feel a little more bulky or if exposing my waistline is a possibility. They’re great for spankings because of the extra bulk, they’re still kinda thin compared to the Dry 24/7 or other “Designer” diapers, but they cover a little ones bottom nicely and make a nice ::whomp:: when patted or paddled. The thinness comes from the absorbent strip of “Peach Mat” in the diaper, it isn’t the best at absorbing quickly but does absorb a great deal of wetness, the ATN gets a very nice sort of soggy when soaked. Absorbency, AB appeal and a comfortable fit makes the ATN my go-to diaper in most situations.

Pro: Affordable and Accessible

At about a dollar a diaper these fall into the mid-range of pricing, not as cheap as the awful First Quality or comparable Attends but a bargain compared to the imports or AB-focused brands. I tend to wear a diaper for no longer than 5/6 hours or overnight. I can wear an ATN through just about as many wettings as a Bambino, most diapers I tend to change before they get to capacity. Many of the Little’s reading this may not have a choice as to when they change, but I tend to change when things get a little too soaked and i’m about to leak, being single has it’s advantages… But I digress, the ATN’s last a good long time, usually 3-4 wettings, or 1 small and one BIG wetting, this little girl usually makes a big wetting right when she wakes up if not before, it’s rarely leaky, but usually puts the diaper at capacity. The feeling of “wasting” a diaper kinda kills my regressive state, it’s nice to be able to change and not really worry and the ATN’s allow you that freedom. As an added note, USA readers can occasionally find Tranquility and Select in pharmacies or medical supplies store, sometimes even on sale/clearance. They’re carried by most of the big diaper distributors and coupons are not hard to come by, they’re much more desirable than Depends or other common brands.

Con: Not Practical

These diapers get HOT! They don’t breath, and when the thermostat gets above 85 or they become a rash risk.  Lack of discretion is a mixed blessing, they feel really awesome in a sleeper or by themselves, but I’d think twice before wearing them in pants, especially on a hot day or in a quiet workplace. Our cute and cuddly diaper model Paige shows that they can be worn with a skirt without notice… unless you’re a show-off  😛

Pro: I feel good buying from Tranquility

I’ve come to term with the fact that my ethics often don’t coincide with my purchases, I don’t always shop organic, it’s often quite expensive to put your money where your heart is. Principle Business Enterprises seems to be a pretty ethical company, I feel good about their philanthropy and the communication I’ve had with their customer service, friendly people, coupons etc. I’m not saying call them up for a chat but in my experience with ordering samples/checking to see if they outsourced a call center, I have been presently surprised. They are as close to a Mom & Pop diaper company as you can get, I feel good buying from this friendly crinkle-factory in Toledo Ohio and will continue to do so, until we run out of landfill space 😛

Con: “Consumer” crinkles

If you’re used to the level of quality that comes from expensive diapers, you will be disappointed by these. The 4 tapes (or 8, as each tape has two tries) work but are nothing special and can rip the plastic after extended wear if put on too tight. Duct tape kinda works to prevent this, but that can be a hassle and difficult to take off. The leg gathers fall apart after a while, the absorbent material can kinda fall apart within the diaper and hinder absorbency if you’re active, and the plastic tends to ride-up causing the lower tapes to stick to the skin. Again, way better than most of the products in the price range, but not in the same category of awesomeness as the Dry 24/7 or Abri-form etc.

Closing thoughts

I’m a little biased on these diapers, these are my overall favorite and I’ve been wearing them pretty exclusively as my nighttime diaper for over a year. The bouquet of these diapers are why I always come back to them, the crinkles, the feel of the plastic, when ATN’s and babypowder come together the smell is enchanting, I love everything about these diapers and can put up with the little quirks. Give them a try if you haven’t, they make a good companion diaper to a fancier brand, a more disposable disposable than others, and fit wonderfully over  smaller diapers. Don’t write this brand off, they get a seal of approval from me ❤

Additional Review Note…
I’ve been linking to NorthShoreCare.com throughout this post for price/product references, I often order my ATN’s through them (through Amazon) and have had good experiences, but I am no way affiliated with them, buy at your own risk! One of my most often asked question is “Where do you get your crinkles?” and I’m working on a definitive answer, input is appreciated!
~~~

Tomorrow is my birthday! It’s actually just about to be my birthday, i’m all cuddled up at my apartment with my birthday bunny in my arms and a ATN on my booty, listening to the Almost Famous soundtrack and writing a crinkly post, then it’s off to bed with bear ❤ I'll be showing off my apartment in a new video tomorrow, thanks for reading and for being a part of my life! I can't thank you enough for the kindness my readers have shown, keeps me motivated to make more crinkly videos and posts just like this one! Thanks also to Paige from TheDailyCrinkle for helping demonstrate some advanced diapering methods ❤

More stuff soon!!!

the written word

 Here’s a video of me reading a poem last night at a coffee shop in North Hollywood, California.

The poem was composed by a reader of this site, someone I admire for their creativity, their prose.

Hope you like the video!

More stuff soon, a crinkly video later tonight!

13 + 13

Here’s a music video from 2004 an old friend and I co-produced for a local film festival.
Following the video will be words on growing old and growing up, I’ll try and keep it concise.  

-F*Bombs – “Ignorance-

Quick notes about the video before I get into it…  I removed the credits because I didn’t care to share my given name, maybe some involved wouldn’t want to be identified. This post is going to be a little sad and a little happy, a less smutty post than some of the others. If I were more poetically angsty, I’d say this is a post written by the name removed from the credits, but i’m not, so lets move on and let me tell you what’s been on my mind…

Isn’t that video ridiculous? This was 8 years ago, I was living with my partner, the one I made this video with, working 2 jobs, had recently graduated high-school, I was such a slouch! There’s been a number (3) of pretty epic things going on in my life, and I’ve been waiting for something tangible to come along so I can explain it all to you, and this video is just that. This is the last communication of a long lost relationship, like the blinking lights from dead stars. We were together from 15 to 19, we broke up and I’ve been single ever since. There were rage phase, a casual sex phase, a drunk-dial phase, and for the last few years, a feeling of blissful singleness mixed with forever aloneliness. I’ve dated, I’ve been intimate, I’ve let down walls but I’m still an amateur when it comes to love, a monk.

Getting this video from my old lover was *THE LAST TIME* i’ll ever have to talk to him, and that feels awesome. I could never bring myself to write him until a friend who had a similar experience, a young man with an older woman, popped up from the past and asked about the video. I figured now was the time, our interaction was all pretty polite, I’m not into drama, got the video in as few words as possible. The blast of nostalgia which is this video shattered my rose colored glasses about our relationship and my mind back then, I loved him, he loved me, we used each other, we didn’t have sex until I was 18 (for the record), I still hate his face and get sad sometimes, but I’m healing. It feels good, I take a breath of fresh Hollywood air, this town we visited often seen in a new light, I’ve lessened the weight of my experience, but not the benefit of it… there’s part of me that wishes I would have started transitioning back then – but there are those rose-colored glasses again, I couldn’t even comprehend it back then, let alone do it. I’m happy for my path, it is what makes me unique, and I’ve done some pretty awesome stuff without that gender confidence ❤

That’s epic thing number 2, epic thing #1 was that my ex-step-uncle died recently. I wrote a looong post on the topic, but decided it was best left in my drafts (heart). He was a good guy, much kinder than my stepfather though equally as creative/bigoted, he fell prey to smoking/drinking out of moderation much as my stepfather (and myself at points) have. The first day the State of California recognized my chosen name and my gender identity was the last day my uncle lived before he passed from lung cancer, there was a bit of synchronicity about all of it. I haven’t seen him (or my stepfather) in about 9 years, if it weren’t for the positive momentum of changing my name I probably would have been more self-destructive after this onslaught of old memories, though I still got wasted that night. I think I’ve learned to be less dramatic about my traumatic childhood, to not let my future be destroyed by my past… and I think there’s a positive way to be inspired by this person who recently passed. I’ve been second-hand smoking cigarettes since I was 8, started smoking in high-school, now is a good time to quit, emotionally, financially, hormonally, a million reasons. If you smoke, join me in this, please. I am not worried in the slightest that I will be able to overcome this. Annnnd it’s terribly embarrassing to admit this so lets just move on…

Thing #3 is my birthday coming up on the 27th of February. Whenever the internet asks what my birthday is, I say Nov 22nd, in reality I share a birthday with Steinbeck’s birth, not with Kennedy’s death. I’m turning 25, much as I did last year, though I feel much older and much younger, if you’re reading this site I’d guess you’d understand the difference between age and maturity. Thinking about numbers (and going outside of my stage-age) I spent the first 13 years of my life as a boy… at around that point, I started to really get feelings as if *boy* wasn’t the proper identity for me, I spent the next 13 years as somewhere in between, sometimes one more than the other, sometimes neither, sometimes carefree, sometimes crushed by the judgement of others. That time is coming to a close on Monday, and I’ve decided to live the rest of my life as a girl. 

I will always forge my own identity, will always acknowledge the fallacies in the gender binary, acknowledge my privilege as a young, white american woman and empower others to embrace their own identity. With that said, I need to stop denying who I am and how I identify, I’m not without gender, I’m not genderqueer, or androgynous, I’m a girl, a woman, I embrace that role, it’s the best way to describe me, it gives me peace. Little ornamental things help remind me of that, but it’s more a matter of self respect, determination, shaving everyday and saving up for electrolysis, it’s eating well and being kind, it’s looking into the mirror and smiling. It’s also balancing between strong woman and helpless ingenue, finding strength and asserting dominance without resorting to masculinity. With this fresh new environment, the weather, the things I own and the things I’ve learned I can express myself as a woman every moment of everyday, I show my depression as laziness with a scraggly face and guys clothes. I’ve been sexual as a male quiet a bit lately, if only to do a final check that it’s not for me, and that comes with strong emotional repercussions, ones i’ve had to deal with. When I allow myself to be is when I’ve been the most successful, I see the last two sets of 13 years stacked neatly in a box, and the next 13++ years of my life as an empty canvas… I have ideas of where it’s going to go, but I won’t really know until I step back and it’s 2025… we’ll all be in Astronaut diapers by then 😛

Speaking of diapers… I love diapers, really, really, really love diapers. I posted some nonsense about “quitting” a while back, I realize much of that was lost in translation, it wasn’t entirely satire, only partially an honest reflection of how I was feeling. I am never going to stop loving diapers because of social/ethical pressures, but there are times when I have conflicted feelings about them. I enjoy putting/keeping folks in diapers but i’ve been strangely denying myself of wearing diapers as well. I’ve often played the “Mommy” role and enjoy it, but I really am a little girl, and have a strong desire to be nurtured and loved in that context. I need to seek out relationships where that’s understood, seek positive, loving relationships, that some good can come from love. It’s hard to find a good partner, especially if you’re a diaper-wearing transgirl, but again, I’m optimistic. I feel more beautiful, sane, healthy, established than ever… I have everything I need to make the rest of my life (and hopefully the lives of others) awesome. 

I’m excited, finding/creating a steady source of income is the next big thing, quitting smoking is going to be easier as I’m already a few days in and am getting over a cold, I’m all crinkly in my diapers and footy sleeper and feeling sniffly, sneezy and serene. Very glad I had a chance to share this with you, this is a crossroads of my life, and I have the opportunity to really make something of myself. The girl you see in that video is sitting at her desk, smiling, putting the final touches on this post, then she’s off to change the world ❤ (or at least her crinkles <3)

::supplemental:: uhhuh, mmhmm, gonna get along without you now

Keep on Crinkling

Big hugs ❤

LetsGetSRS

Hey again friends!

This is going to be another short little post, mostly about nostalgia, genitalia and genital nostalgia. I have much on my plate at the moment so i’ll be serving up some thoughts, old videos and just enough information to let you know i’m doing well, feeling positive.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve had a few sites over the years that I’ve kinda left by the wayside. This site started as ineedprotection.blogspot.com, turned into RileyKilo.com – and is now StayDiapered.com. LetsGetSRS.com is an offshoot of this site, geared towards non-crinkly folks and my transition. I made the mistake of creating a site in which I had to censor myself, it didn’t feel right, so I stopped writing for it. I still do my youtube about my transition, but honestly, things are kinda at a stand-still. I’ve been on a low to medium dose of Spironolactone and Estrogen for the last 2 & 1/2 years, there have been some big changes, mostly in mindset and ability to get erections. I don’t take my hormones before a shoot, I forget to now and then, if you take hormones, take them diligently, I am not one to lead by example, though I think a low dose to begin with is a very good idea.

About a year ago I got a shock. I was starting to notice a significant drop in virility, I wasn’t getting hard all the time randomly (awesome) and was having trouble reaching orgasm while on cam (lame). You imagine what it’s going to be like to not get hard, but when you just *can’t get hard* it can be a bit of a mindfuck. I think things through, I lived as a girl for 3 years before taking hormones, I didn’t put all my eggs into the hormone basket expecting to be this wonderful new person once I started,  there were unexpected speed bumps and weird feelings but overall the hormones have been good, so good that I hardly notice. I’ve gotten blood tests when I can (no insurance) and have legally changed my name and gender, i’ve been assaulted and attacked, i’ve been intimate with people i’ve fantasied about on the internet for years and more recently, I’ve made some pretty good porn, and am making new stuff constantly. I’ve been nominated as a “new face” at the Tranny awards – porn is my gateway to becoming financially stable, a better writer and later the filmmaker I’ve always wanted to be. I’ll take some rough hormonal roads for that… again, I do not lead by example. Not everyone can do the porn thing, nor should they, i’m the right balance of kinky, performer, emotionally stable/distant and business savvy to do it. The self-esteem highs and lows of modeling is a trip, something i’ve been noticing in myself and others though I don’t have enough clear thoughts to write on it yet. Learning experiences, nothing but learning experiences, ego strokes and paychecks. Good stuff for a memoir.

In the last year i’ve done my share of topping, i’ve def. slept with more cisgender women than anyone else in my life, and though I love having a beautiful girl on my arm, I still get desires for a daddy. I have ended relationships due to those feelings, I’ve been confused for a long time but lately the fog has been clearing. I can be dominant as a woman, without that insatiable desire to stick my ::cough:: penis ::cough:: into something, I can still diaper girls and get my rocks off that way, I can still take cute girls home and ravage them, still have my fun but also be sexually satisfied myself.  I can’t sexually function for the rest of my life with my current genitalia. I like sex, but it’s unfulfilling, it feels like i’m playing a role (one I love to play) but it all feels wrong. It sounds funny, but I think sex with a strap-on would feel more right. What sounds really right, is having a daddy, and then having playmates. I don’t think I could fall in love and spend the rest of my life with a woman, because I have little girl feelings and they can’t all be lived vicariously. I’m pretty monogamous when it comes to *love* but not really when it comes to intimacy or sex.  I do imagine that white wedding, my daddy in a tuxedo, me in a beautiful dress, snuggling up every night and have a safe, wonderful person to give my little girl heart to.

So i’m feeling good, taking my “titty skittles” and starting to get things going here in LA. I have a pony-play shoot coming up, a few for the “Shemale” sites, I’m going to a TranSolidarity meeting today to meet the local activist community and get my feet into the social justice scene here, use all that i’ve learned from SF, Sacramento, Boston, Buffalo and NYC to make a big difference here in my *home* state. Lots of work ahead of me, I feel like a rockstar in these communities, some folks recognize me from the net or from events i’ve gone to and I can hold my own in any group, from the church groups to PFlag, the clinical, radical and sexwork parts of the fractured transcommunity. This is a struggle, my struggle, and if I’m not involved I feel I ain’t breathin – if I can’t change the world then I ain’t leaving.

i’ll be posting some crinkly videos soon, don’t worry about that ❤ I’ve been happily diapered and dressing as a big-girl now and then too, if you’ve been wondering about some of my old videos, here’s the link to the original StayDiapered blog, i’ll be working on this over the next week or so but there’s quite a few up already.

I’ll keep you posted, thanks for being a part of my adventures, and more stuff sooooooon!!!

a life of crinkles

Hello friends ❤ 

Getting settled in LA, had to take a little time to myself… but also life, love, BBQ, the matters of the heart.

Expect no explanations now, just know that I am safe, happy, and wearing my diapers.

This may be a shock to you, a big grown up like me wearing diapers. You see, I have been publishing myself on the internet quiet some time. I have grown to infamy. 

Creating a reaction of love as well as hate, might be a sign that you are doing something right (?) 

I have uploaded some pictures taken over my lifetime of crinkles. They start around 19 and go to very recently. 

I hope they cause a reaction. 

RileyKilo on Picasa

Runners High

My things came in the mail, safe and sound. My stuffys and crinkles and computer and clothes.

Very excited, unpacking, feeling home.

More stuff soon. Stay positive, StayDiapered.
::smileyface::