Hey again friends!
This is going to be another short little post, mostly about nostalgia, genitalia and genital nostalgia. I have much on my plate at the moment so i’ll be serving up some thoughts, old videos and just enough information to let you know i’m doing well, feeling positive.
If you haven’t noticed, I’ve had a few sites over the years that I’ve kinda left by the wayside. This site started as ineedprotection.blogspot.com, turned into RileyKilo.com – and is now StayDiapered.com. LetsGetSRS.com is an offshoot of this site, geared towards non-crinkly folks and my transition. I made the mistake of creating a site in which I had to censor myself, it didn’t feel right, so I stopped writing for it. I still do my youtube about my transition, but honestly, things are kinda at a stand-still. I’ve been on a low to medium dose of Spironolactone and Estrogen for the last 2 & 1/2 years, there have been some big changes, mostly in mindset and ability to get erections. I don’t take my hormones before a shoot, I forget to now and then, if you take hormones, take them diligently, I am not one to lead by example, though I think a low dose to begin with is a very good idea.
About a year ago I got a shock. I was starting to notice a significant drop in virility, I wasn’t getting hard all the time randomly (awesome) and was having trouble reaching orgasm while on cam (lame). You imagine what it’s going to be like to not get hard, but when you just *can’t get hard* it can be a bit of a mindfuck. I think things through, I lived as a girl for 3 years before taking hormones, I didn’t put all my eggs into the hormone basket expecting to be this wonderful new person once I started, there were unexpected speed bumps and weird feelings but overall the hormones have been good, so good that I hardly notice. I’ve gotten blood tests when I can (no insurance) and have legally changed my name and gender, i’ve been assaulted and attacked, i’ve been intimate with people i’ve fantasied about on the internet for years and more recently, I’ve made some pretty good porn, and am making new stuff constantly. I’ve been nominated as a “new face” at the Tranny awards – porn is my gateway to becoming financially stable, a better writer and later the filmmaker I’ve always wanted to be. I’ll take some rough hormonal roads for that… again, I do not lead by example. Not everyone can do the porn thing, nor should they, i’m the right balance of kinky, performer, emotionally stable/distant and business savvy to do it. The self-esteem highs and lows of modeling is a trip, something i’ve been noticing in myself and others though I don’t have enough clear thoughts to write on it yet. Learning experiences, nothing but learning experiences, ego strokes and paychecks. Good stuff for a memoir.
In the last year i’ve done my share of topping, i’ve def. slept with more cisgender women than anyone else in my life, and though I love having a beautiful girl on my arm, I still get desires for a daddy. I have ended relationships due to those feelings, I’ve been confused for a long time but lately the fog has been clearing. I can be dominant as a woman, without that insatiable desire to stick my ::cough:: penis ::cough:: into something, I can still diaper girls and get my rocks off that way, I can still take cute girls home and ravage them, still have my fun but also be sexually satisfied myself. I can’t sexually function for the rest of my life with my current genitalia. I like sex, but it’s unfulfilling, it feels like i’m playing a role (one I love to play) but it all feels wrong. It sounds funny, but I think sex with a strap-on would feel more right. What sounds really right, is having a daddy, and then having playmates. I don’t think I could fall in love and spend the rest of my life with a woman, because I have little girl feelings and they can’t all be lived vicariously. I’m pretty monogamous when it comes to *love* but not really when it comes to intimacy or sex. I do imagine that white wedding, my daddy in a tuxedo, me in a beautiful dress, snuggling up every night and have a safe, wonderful person to give my little girl heart to.
So i’m feeling good, taking my “titty skittles” and starting to get things going here in LA. I have a pony-play shoot coming up, a few for the “Shemale” sites, I’m going to a TranSolidarity meeting today to meet the local activist community and get my feet into the social justice scene here, use all that i’ve learned from SF, Sacramento, Boston, Buffalo and NYC to make a big difference here in my *home* state. Lots of work ahead of me, I feel like a rockstar in these communities, some folks recognize me from the net or from events i’ve gone to and I can hold my own in any group, from the church groups to PFlag, the clinical, radical and sexwork parts of the fractured transcommunity. This is a struggle, my struggle, and if I’m not involved I feel I ain’t breathin – if I can’t change the world then I ain’t leaving.
i’ll be posting some crinkly videos soon, don’t worry about that ❤ I’ve been happily diapered and dressing as a big-girl now and then too, if you’ve been wondering about some of my old videos, here’s the link to the original StayDiapered blog, i’ll be working on this over the next week or so but there’s quite a few up already.
I’ll keep you posted, thanks for being a part of my adventures, and more stuff sooooooon!!!