13 + 13

Here’s a music video from 2004 an old friend and I co-produced for a local film festival.
Following the video will be words on growing old and growing up, I’ll try and keep it concise.  
-F*Bombs – “Ignorance-
Quick notes about the video before I get into it…  I removed the credits because I didn’t care to share my given name, maybe some involved wouldn’t want to be identified. This post is going to be a little sad and a little happy, a less smutty post than some of the others. If I were more poetically angsty, I’d say this is a post written by the name removed from the credits, but i’m not, so lets move on and let me tell you what’s been on my mind…
Isn’t that video ridiculous? This was 8 years ago, I was living with my partner, the one I made this video with, working 2 jobs, had recently graduated high-school, I was such a slouch! There’s been a number (3) of pretty epic things going on in my life, and I’ve been waiting for something tangible to come along so I can explain it all to you, and this video is just that. This is the last communication of a long lost relationship, like the blinking lights from dead stars. We were together from 15 to 19, we broke up and I’ve been single ever since. There were rage phase, a casual sex phase, a drunk-dial phase, and for the last few years, a feeling of blissful singleness mixed with forever aloneliness. I’ve dated, I’ve been intimate, I’ve let down walls but I’m still an amateur when it comes to love, a monk.

Getting this video from my old lover was *THE LAST TIME* i’ll ever have to talk to him, and that feels awesome. I could never bring myself to write him until a friend who had a similar experience, a young man with an older woman, popped up from the past and asked about the video. I figured now was the time, our interaction was all pretty polite, I’m not into drama, got the video in as few words as possible. The blast of nostalgia which is this video shattered my rose colored glasses about our relationship and my mind back then, I loved him, he loved me, we used each other, we didn’t have sex until I was 18 (for the record), I still hate his face and get sad sometimes, but I’m healing. It feels good, I take a breath of fresh Hollywood air, this town we visited often seen in a new light, I’ve lessened the weight of my experience, but not the benefit of it… there’s part of me that wishes I would have started transitioning back then – but there are those rose-colored glasses again, I couldn’t even comprehend it back then, let alone do it. I’m happy for my path, it is what makes me unique, and I’ve done some pretty awesome stuff without that gender confidence ❤

That’s epic thing number 2, epic thing #1 was that my ex-step-uncle died recently. I wrote a looong post on the topic, but decided it was best left in my drafts (heart). He was a good guy, much kinder than my stepfather though equally as creative/bigoted, he fell prey to smoking/drinking out of moderation much as my stepfather (and myself at points) have. The first day the State of California recognized my chosen name and my gender identity was the last day my uncle lived before he passed from lung cancer, there was a bit of synchronicity about all of it. I haven’t seen him (or my stepfather) in about 9 years, if it weren’t for the positive momentum of changing my name I probably would have been more self-destructive after this onslaught of old memories, though I still got wasted that night. I think I’ve learned to be less dramatic about my traumatic childhood, to not let my future be destroyed by my past… and I think there’s a positive way to be inspired by this person who recently passed. I’ve been second-hand smoking cigarettes since I was 8, started smoking in high-school, now is a good time to quit, emotionally, financially, hormonally, a million reasons. If you smoke, join me in this, please. I am not worried in the slightest that I will be able to overcome this. Annnnd it’s terribly embarrassing to admit this so lets just move on…
Thing #3 is my birthday coming up on the 27th of February. Whenever the internet asks what my birthday is, I say Nov 22nd, in reality I share a birthday with Steinbeck’s birth, not with Kennedy’s death. I’m turning 25, much as I did last year, though I feel much older and much younger, if you’re reading this site I’d guess you’d understand the difference between age and maturity. Thinking about numbers (and going outside of my stage-age) I spent the first 13 years of my life as a boy… at around that point, I started to really get feelings as if *boy* wasn’t the proper identity for me, I spent the next 13 years as somewhere in between, sometimes one more than the other, sometimes neither, sometimes carefree, sometimes crushed by the judgement of others. That time is coming to a close on Monday, and I’ve decided to live the rest of my life as a girl. 
I will always forge my own identity, will always acknowledge the fallacies in the gender binary, acknowledge my privilege as a young, white american woman and empower others to embrace their own identity. With that said, I need to stop denying who I am and how I identify, I’m not without gender, I’m not genderqueer, or androgynous, I’m a girl, a woman, I embrace that role, it’s the best way to describe me, it gives me peace. Little ornamental things help remind me of that, but it’s more a matter of self respect, determination, shaving everyday and saving up for electrolysis, it’s eating well and being kind, it’s looking into the mirror and smiling. It’s also balancing between strong woman and helpless ingenue, finding strength and asserting dominance without resorting to masculinity. With this fresh new environment, the weather, the things I own and the things I’ve learned I can express myself as a woman every moment of everyday, I show my depression as laziness with a scraggly face and guys clothes. I’ve been sexual as a male quiet a bit lately, if only to do a final check that it’s not for me, and that comes with strong emotional repercussions, ones i’ve had to deal with. When I allow myself to be is when I’ve been the most successful, I see the last two sets of 13 years stacked neatly in a box, and the next 13++ years of my life as an empty canvas… I have ideas of where it’s going to go, but I won’t really know until I step back and it’s 2025… we’ll all be in Astronaut diapers by then 😛
Speaking of diapers… I love diapers, really, really, really love diapers. I posted some nonsense about “quitting” a while back, I realize much of that was lost in translation, it wasn’t entirely satire, only partially an honest reflection of how I was feeling. I am never going to stop loving diapers because of social/ethical pressures, but there are times when I have conflicted feelings about them. I enjoy putting/keeping folks in diapers but i’ve been strangely denying myself of wearing diapers as well. I’ve often played the “Mommy” role and enjoy it, but I really am a little girl, and have a strong desire to be nurtured and loved in that context. I need to seek out relationships where that’s understood, seek positive, loving relationships, that some good can come from love. It’s hard to find a good partner, especially if you’re a diaper-wearing transgirl, but again, I’m optimistic. I feel more beautiful, sane, healthy, established than ever… I have everything I need to make the rest of my life (and hopefully the lives of others) awesome. 
I’m excited, finding/creating a steady source of income is the next big thing, quitting smoking is going to be easier as I’m already a few days in and am getting over a cold, I’m all crinkly in my diapers and footy sleeper and feeling sniffly, sneezy and serene. Very glad I had a chance to share this with you, this is a crossroads of my life, and I have the opportunity to really make something of myself. The girl you see in that video is sitting at her desk, smiling, putting the final touches on this post, then she’s off to change the world ❤ (or at least her crinkles <3)

::supplemental:: uhhuh, mmhmm, gonna get along without you now

9 thoughts on “13 + 13

  1. you go girl!; I can relate to some of what you are saying, most deeply with knowing family that chooses not to drink and use drugs in moderation. I know that it is that persons choice but at the same time I wish I could show them the destruction they wrought upon there family and most importantly there children. I can understand spending a portion of your life uncertain about what you want out of the life you live, (I am 26, gender-queer and though I do not plan on trying to transition for reasons I get rather not talk about, I still understand the urges you may have.) I MUST congratulate you and wish you a steady hand on no longer smoking, I was raised by a few smokers and presently still smoke, though it looks more and more unpleasant each day. Mostly I just wanted to tell you that it is wonderful that you can go for a goal that others do not understand and that some do not want to understand, I am often very depressed about the way society treats or reacts to venturing from the norm and your posts often leave me feeling a little less worse for the ware. So, thank you and keep on reaching out for your goals!!!

  2. “That time is coming to a close on Monday, and I've decided to live the rest of my life as a girl.”

    What's happening on Monday, other than your birthday? are you going to go under the knife?
    Good luck with whatever it is, and happy birthday for tomorrow.

  3. What I meant by that is further dedicating myself to being a girl, not getting lazy and not keeping up with girly hygiene/hormones etc. I'm very far from SRS, I'll let you know if I was getting SRS:)

    Kinda feel like I did about 2 1/2 years ago, when I first started hormones, it's all about getting serious… Getting SRS 😛

  4. Happy 25th birthday Riley … as people used to tell me … congratulations on being a quarter of a century old … thanks for your blog and videos … I love watching them all the time … keep up the great work 🙂

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