I guess I’m an optimist, I tend to look at the grand scale of things, If something awful is happening I like to think that we’ll look back at this and laugh… this StayDiapered Archive video is awful, awkward and makes me laugh…
I’ll share more stuff soon, this’ll be something to look back and laugh at, but I’m miserable at the moment, sick as a puppy, sad as a sad panda 😦
More stuff soon. Stay Diapered, for me.
Hello friends! I’m headed to NYC – saying goodbye to my nursery for now, I’m looking forward to some rest and relaxation! More stuff soon!
I’ve been a girl for a while now, after 15 years of boyhood, I started dressing in private. A few years later I started expressing myself as a girl in public. At 20 years I changed my name, at 21 I identified myself as a different gender than on my birth certificate, at 23 I started hormones, at 26 I bought a new backpack.
It’s funny, the little things. It’s the little things that get you when your weren’t paying attention, and a little thing got me today. As a teenager I rode motorcycles, my mom and stepdad were big into them, I took the classes and got my licsence, spent a couple paychecks on a 500 Rebel and started riding. It was great, i’m a lifelong cyclist and motorcycles were the logical next step. Eventually I took a trip down to Warped tour 03′ in San Francisco, and that’s the last time I took a bike, I sold it that day. I realized it wasn’t my abilities I had to fear, but other drivers, at 5’2 and 110 lbs I would have been mist in a bad accident, almost dropping my bike on the bay bridge was enough to end my motorcycling career forever.
I had this black and lime green jacket that I donated, a helmet that went back to my stepdad, an ego that was a bit bruised and a backpack, a black and grey great, great, great backpack that I still wear to this day, well, maybe not this day. I was walking by a sports authority wearing my beaten up backpack,, and the penny-pincher I am noticed a Clearance sign inside the store. I saw some cute backpacks, and thought “I’m colorful, I should have a colorful backpack too!” I went inside, made sure my iPad fit, and bought it for $12, retail price $49.99. I basically won’t buy anything unless it’s on sale, story of my life.
So I have a cute new backpack. Whenever I wore the old backpack, I had trouble feeling like a girl, not because it wasn’t pretty or adorned with flowers, but it was something that I had worn when I was being gendered as male. Transition isn’t one of biology, of mentality, of clothes, of genitalia, it’s alllllll of it and more, it’s redefining yourself along your own lines. I like flowers, color, “pretty things”, it’s my style, I love dark, angry, fearful things, I like evening gowns and leather too, but I don’t like to express myself that way often in my clothing. Added note, not a big fan of precious metals or designer clothes , into designing a unique style, recycling clothing.
It takes a looooong time to transition. To see it as a binary, as a beginning and an end, is faulty in my mind, I see getting SRS as a landmark, but I’m always changing, learning, defining myself, changing out old pieces of me for shiny new ones. The zipper may break on this backpack and I’ll have to go back to the old one, I may find a better one, it could be stolen by a lover or a freak in the streets, the backpack doesn’t make me more of a girl, but I made it part of the rich tapestry which is my self-expression, and it feels good right now.
Next time I go to the coffee shop to answer emails, I’ll have my cute little flower backpack on, myself and others will feel the smile on my face from that little extra color I bring into the room, and then we’ll all fade into the background and go along our way. I’ll keep smiling ❤
I’m back in my old apartment in Buffalo, in my sleeper and ATN, reflecting on the weekend and the time since I was last here. I’m leaving tomorrow for NYC, then back to my apartment in LA, home. I’m feeling a bit of the weight of the world, I’ve come a long way since I first landed in NY, still have a long way to go.
CapCon was amazing this weekend, the people, the organization, the energy and love all were unique and wonderful. My presentation worked on some levels, faultered on others. I need to focus on educating myself, on taking classes as opposed to teaching them. My headstrongness is a virtue, but without balance it can lead to missteps. This was my first time doing performance art/guided meditation/puppetry in front of a live audience, let alone an audience of littles, it was daunting, I was terribly nervous & it showed.
I feel honored to have been invited. I foresee more cons in my future, until I get more comfortable with “littles” group dynamics I’m going to be exploring & experiencing instead of taking a more active participating role. These things are still a new frontier for myself & the community, still much to be learned,
I’m finishing this post from a hospital waiting room in Buffalo, about to visit a friend in recovery, things are (?) for this young lady. I’m tired, wishing my tough exterior, a result of compounded negativity, could dissolve away and show the world the sweet little girl inside… It’s not an easy transition, it’s something that’s going to come with love, safety, humility & learning experiences. This is a bit of a low for me, this site isn’t really blossoming right now, my PayPal/YouTube have both been banned recently, it was expected. Give me a week and I’ll be back home, back to crinkly blogging and shooting/editing video, I’ll be sharing more smiles soon, I’ve had enough frowns.
Look forward to a thoughtful video soon, then more love, love, love.
Come out to Dave & Busters in Times Square Sunday night, email me for details!
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| From Pleats & Plasticpants |
StayDiapered! 