Blackbox

My dad collects blackbox recordings
Just to hear what people say
When they realize whats comin’
About a second or so away
It starts with oh shit and ends with i’m sorry
Aand it plays in his head all the time
And oh its so crazy the way we
sabotage our very own piece of mind
This has been quiet the month. Those aren’t exactly the lyrics, its just what I hear when I listen to this song. Yesterday a friend and I climbed to the top of Los Angeles to watch the last flight of the Endeavor. 3 weeks ago I was on a redline train that killed a man, I saw his body under the tracks. I saw the sunset over Santa Monica, I watched the sky and the ocean and the sun all become a beautiful vision of orange. I watched Seans facebook fill up with love and goodbyes, a modern social blackbox, read our last conversations, smiled at the last shared likes with a dear friend.
I’m on the beach again, staying in a hardwood floor hotel in SantaMonica, with a friend who shares my love of photography, love of nature, love of our mutual friend. We’re going to spend the day on the beach, a first for me since i’ve started physically and mentally identifying as a girl. I’m honestly a kinda nervous, i’m going to show off my little beach body to all the beautiful californians, I hope I fit in 🙂 we’re starting at Venice and ending the night with the Santa Monica pier, I think now more than ever its important to see the worlds unabashed beauty, remind myself why I’ve made it this far and why I must move forward to bigger and better things. I sometimes feel like i’m not doing enough in this world, like i’m floundering, I feel the sheer intensity and reality of this month has kicked me in the ass a bit. I’ll be re-starting my transition blog (and in many ways my transition) and sharing this crazy life of mine more than ever.
I have a positive message and willing recipients, why am I not pouring myself onto the internet like hot pancake batter? I still don’t know the answers to that, but they’re the usual ones – stress, depression, lack of confidence. I ooze confidence but I’m cautious about putting out media sometimes, I can be my toughest critic. I want to make something wonderful. but in the 6 years i’ve done this blog i’ve yet to maintain a consistent stream of thought. Much like my thoughts (and life and work over the years) its been a bit scattered, i’ve been teaching myself to write and edit while learning to cry and love, i feel clearer now than ever before. I really think i can do right for the readers (you!), the community and my aspirations, it just takes time and focus, both of which I have.
My friend (who you may remember from My Strange Addiction, the one with the nosering) and I are going to finish our sunshine and commiseration and head back to hollywood, then a fun mindless day at universal then another long ride to LAX, then home. Then video and art and new posts and tinkerbells and bedmats and cloth diapers and cuddles! I promise i’ll be a good girl! You guise really keep me going, thank you for everything over the years and look forward to much, much more from this smiling little girl!

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