Hot weekend

After a bit of a lull, a slow season and some pouty posts, I’ve got something fun to share with you!

I had a photoshoot last Saturday that went great, love working with Strokers as the shoots are always low-chatter and low-stress. That night I met with the promotional people at ifriends and the lovely Wendy Summers. We drankand talked industry, made plans to cam and be a featured performer on Ifriends. Then a pre-awards party at a producers place, had a big day coming up so I only poured a little Jameson in a red plastic cup. I schmooze and connect with old friends then head home to cuddle with bear. Did I mention I have a new haircut? Love my bangs!

I wake up and look over a list of questions about AB/DL life that I’ll be answering for a TV documentary about “extreme” relationships. I take a cross town metro ride while thoughts swirl around about the best phrasing, things I want to avoid, relatable concepts I wanted to portray. I showed up on set and didn’t hit any homeruns, but I think I put out some good ideas. Back on the metro and heading to the awards. A friend picks me up downtown and I change into my outfit in the passenger seat with one leg up on the dashboard pulling my stockings up, good view of my undies if anyone was looking. I put on my little Lolita dress and my Mary-Janes and we headed towards Glendale.

 

I walked the red carpet, I smiled and shined, maybe the only girl wearing flats in the whole building. I’d been nominated for “Best Non-Typical Model” and “Best Scene” for a shoot I did with Wendy Summers, a particularly aggressive affair called “Managed”. I didn’t expect to win anything, I was mostly there to connect with industry folks and show off my cute new bangs. I was a little social butterfly Riley at the Ifriends table, flirting around the room getting cards and hugging friends, even little Candi was there! The Non-Typical Model award went to a tall blonde who showed up in a pig mascot suit to which people were doing all sorts of suggestive things with. Shortly after was the Best Scene award… Wendy and I looked at each other with hesitant optimism. When they announced the winners (us) we both jumped out of chairs like giddy price is right contestants, we thanked the academy and each other, blew kisses to our friends and fans then walked off arm-in-arm.

I had a lovely time, though I’m struggling to finish this post without saying something negative or self-effacing. Honestly I wasn’t terribly responsible the week after, spent time with visiting friends and went to various parties, kinda fell back into that unproductive hole I’ve been talking about in the last few posts. I have another busy day today and am looking forward to A.) getting back to productivity and B.) learning how to avoid said holes. Getting famous, living in LA and dying at 27 is a path i’m trying to avoid, it’s such a cliché, I want my story to be better than that. My birthday is in a few days, i’m taken with thoughts on mortality, sustainability and what I really want to be doing in my life. These heavy thoughts reflect a need to plan for the future, before it all slips away from me and i’m facedown on Hollywood blvd with all the other starlets who couldn’t get their act together.

This “Major Award” is a good sign that I need to do more with what I have. Every post is a new beginning here at StayDiapered.com and all I ask is for your patience, your support and maybe the occasional gift, though I hardly deserve it after only posting a few times all month. There will be more soon, I promise!

There’s a whole snuggly world out there Riley, make the most of it!

Link

My Fake Transition Timeline (on Reddit)

couple therapy

your little girl is trying to improve herself

These are year-old pictures of your little princess. 

Even though she’s been pretending to be potty trained…

little Riley just can’t stay dry.

She talked to a therapist! This was a big step for our scared little relucant hero. She’s trying to get her head straight, to better herself. She even got her nails done and her eyebrows waxed today! She must be trying to be realy pretty. Sometimes our hero doubts that things are going in a good direction, but in her little soft heart she knows that it’s right. The stress hurts, but not as much as her old life (so long ago) hurt her little frame, the rattling of the bumps and dips of her life will never divert her path.

I hurt, but I heal. I cry, but I smile. I breath the breath of adversity and I exhale breaths of overcoming. I am resilient. Hugs internet, I have a big, big weekend coming up, I’m going to be on the biggest TV show i’ve ever been on, win awards, pay rent through the lens and gain further means to express my positive message. There’s no manifesto here, I have things to share soon and I hope you’ll read along and learn with me.

We’re all scared and confused, let’s be scared and confused together… let’s embrace it.

Hugs!!!
 

timeloss

Before you read the rest of this blog, take a look at this picture, or don’t if you can’t imagine seeing me dressed as a boy.

This is a timeline I made of my transition. If you’ve followed my story for years (as many of you have, thank you) you’d know that this is hardly accurate. “Riley, you started living as a girl over 6 years ago, and you started hormones in 2009” you’d say, and you’d be right. The twist to this is that all of these photos were taken within a 12 hour period a few days ago. I know, it’s weird to make a fake timeline. It’s also weird for me to have pronounced facial hair but sometimes life is just weird.

When I made this I had just come out of a terrible batch of soufflé induced food poisoning and had lost about ten pounds, most of that boob and ass fat. I hadn’t taken hormones during that time as I was so sick and grew out my hair because I was post-laser and crazy lethargic. I looked just like my cousin, I’m not sure how I feel about taking (especially sharing) these photos, but i’m feeling more proud than dysphoric. I wanted to make something amateur and generic, not mocking timelines but rather trying to emulate them. I intentionally slowly built up the make-up from boy to girl and took awkward pictures. The comments that I’m a cuter boy than a girl add a whole new layer of confusion, though I’m sure I’d rather be an unattractive girl over being any kind of boy.

My transition never had a timeline like this, I have pictures of me at 15 as a pretty girl and pictures at 23 as the best man at a wedding. I think those timelines give the impression that transition is a straight line, and for some folks it is, but for many it’s more of a spiral or infinity sign. It was interesting to create an alternate timeline, a bit of a fantasy where I didn’t fall off hormones, where I quit smoking cigarettes and transitioned smoothly, in this reality Riley never feels crushed. What was more interesting, was to transition throughout the day, to clean myself up, put on outfits and go from a sickly scruffy skeleton to a pretty smiling girl, it reminded me that to be who I want to be I simply have to lift off whatever is weighing me down and clean myself up, both emotionally & hygienically. When the motivation is to do something creative and positive, that boulder of internal struggle is as light as a feather.

Not everyone who transitions feels that rollercoaster of self-doubt, fear, insecurity, depression so much, though life often finds other ways to make us miserable. Everyone hopes for that fairytale transformation, to take these wonderful pills that turn you into a girl, but in the process we learn it’s much more complicated than that. It’s a much easier road for some than others, but even if you’re ups and down have been harsh be happy in the moment and keep looking forward. Generic, but seriously regret and jealousy are a waste of time. We’re going to start hearing of more well-off, balanced teens transitioning with ease with the law on their side and protected from bullies, that’s a wonderful happy thought, even if that was hardly the case for most of us. Feeling anger towards them is the definition of bitterness, and the cure for bitterness is finding peace in where you are in life.

I’m not against timelines by any means, I just wanted to do something that would hopefully lesson the feelings of regret, inadequacy or jealousy that can come from seeing those photos. Seeing a collection of them spurred me to do this, because those negative feelings consumed me and made me a sad little Riley. As someone who’s been inundated with internet imagery most of their life, I understand the esteem shattering effects of unrealistic image standards. That’s really why I don’t publish “cleaned up” photos of myself and lose my squishy feelings when I see photos edited, I’d rather see blemishes and actual skin. I think the more you use photoshop, the more you’re turned off by airbrushing.

I made this weird piece of art to make a point, though I’m not entirely sure what that point is. I’m interested to see as it gets spread around how people react. I posted in on Fetlife with an explanation and people still commented how much of an effect hormones have had on me. I don’t expect you to understand my motivations I just hope you can still find me pretty. I know I can feel attractive, but I don’t always and that’s just part of being the kind of girl I am. How cruelly often positive thoughts come out of sadness, like the tweet below which I wrote in a desperate attempt to validate myself. I’m more than my looks, and focusing too much on my body isn’t the way to achieve my long-term goals, it’s just a way to get in a huff and feel bad about the timeline of my transition.

I hope this stirred up some thoughts, it’s funny how a shave and a smile can transform me from boy to girlm so if you’re feeling unattractive, put on a happy face 🙂 I’m also starting with a therapist tomorrow, exciting, hooray, cautious optimism! I’ll keep you posted and keep on posting… more stuff soon, be well internet!

trigger

This is a post about my transition and issues with depression. If you’re here to fap, pass this one by 😛

Ugh… I’m looking at photos of me about a year and a half ago… the hormones were really, really working, I felt good, I looked good… what happened?

I wrote a long list of questions that i’m too embarrassed to share. I am trying to pick myself up and look towards the future, but the past is really tearing me apart. When I try to date, I get depressed about old lovers, when I try to model, I only remember how far I’ve slid back in terms of hormones. I am taking them again, confident but also really, really disappointed in myself. Trying to break these depressive moods, I’m meeting a therapist next week, managed to make that happen faster than I hoped. I don’t know if that’ll be the solution, but it’s a start.

Despite the frustrated tone of this post, I’m feeling positive. I’m not in a hole right now, I’ve merely storm clouds over my head. The main reason why I have not achieved certain goals in life are these depressive cycles, everything will be going great and something will trigger me to mess it all up through depression, social withdrawal and substance abuse, sometimes all 3. Big triggers are my stepfather, regrets and my heartbreak with “the doctor”, I need to talk to someone about these things and it can’t be a friend or daddy or lover or internet stranger, it needs to be someone I can cry around.

I miss crying, the hormones let me do it, I really could use a good cry and a snuggle. Why did I fall off the right path? What was I thinking? Will I ever be able to physically get back to where I once was?… Again, I have a whole long list of questions I’ve written that I’d like to share, but can’t because they will make you sad, they make me sad 😦 

I don’t know what I can do to cheer myself up, so I’ll have a shower, a shave and go drop off some resumes. Even if it’s miserable and I go through the same fear and intimidation I’ve endured in other jobs, at least there’s something to fight besides myself. Or it could be really awesome! Stay positive Riley! It’s really hard but you can *actually* do something amazing with your life, you just need to edit out the sad parts and focus on the good ones, love and friendship and the fact that you’re young and beautiful. It’s going to be alright.

Hugs everyone. More crinkly cuddly stuff soon, these sad cycles will always be there I just need to learn to deal with them better. I’ve come a long way, have a long way to go… I’ve written these similar words plenty of times on my site… I really, really hope I get better 😦

sogs

Hello friends 🙂 I had a friend visit me for a few days from NYC… it made me happy and I ended up in thick, soggy nappies most of the time 😦

They took some pictures, here are a few of them 🙂 Hugs everyone, I feel a little better, hooray for February and upskirts and exciting things ahead!