This is a post about my transition and issues with depression. If you’re here to fap, pass this one by πŸ˜›

Ugh… I’m looking at photos of me about a year and a half ago… the hormones were really, really working, I felt good, I looked good… what happened?

I wrote a long list of questions that i’m too embarrassed to share. I am trying to pick myself up and look towards the future, but the past is really tearing me apart. When I try to date, I get depressed about old lovers, when I try to model, I only remember how far I’ve slid back in terms of hormones. I am taking them again, confident but also really, really disappointed in myself. Trying to break these depressive moods, I’m meeting a therapist next week, managed to make that happen faster than I hoped. I don’t know if that’ll be the solution, but it’s a start.

Despite the frustrated tone of this post, I’m feeling positive. I’m not in a hole right now, I’ve merely storm clouds over my head. The main reason why I have not achieved certain goals in life are these depressive cycles, everything will be going great and something will trigger me to mess it all up through depression, social withdrawal and substance abuse, sometimes all 3. Big triggers are my stepfather, regrets and my heartbreak with “the doctor”, I need to talk to someone about these things and it can’t be a friend or daddy or lover or internet stranger, it needs to be someone I can cry around.

I miss crying, the hormones let me do it, I really could use a good cry and a snuggle. Why did I fall off the right path? What was I thinking? Will I ever be able to physically get back to where I once was?… Again, I have a whole long list of questions I’ve written that I’d like to share, but can’t because they will make you sad, they make me sad 😦 

I don’t know what I can do to cheer myself up, so I’ll have a shower, a shave and go drop off some resumes. Even if it’s miserable and I go through the same fear and intimidation I’ve endured in other jobs, at least there’s something to fight besides myself. Or it could be really awesome! Stay positive Riley! It’s really hard but you can *actually* do something amazing with your life, you just need to edit out the sad parts and focus on the good ones, love and friendship and the fact that you’re young and beautiful. It’s going to be alright.

Hugs everyone. More crinkly cuddly stuff soon, these sad cycles will always be there I just need to learn to deal with them better. I’ve come a long way, have a long way to go… I’ve written these similar words plenty of times on my site… I really, really hope I get better 😦

8 thoughts on “trigger

  1. I am sure I can say you are loved, Riley. I have been coming to your blog for awhile now. I have enjoyed reading about your adventures. I can say what I do like is you put your “highs” and your “lows” on your blog. I sincerely hope you find the help that you need.

    I hope my words brighten your day a little bit.

  2. Keep on keeping on hun. *hugs* You can do this!

    I've always looked up to you as a role model, because of you I've always tried to be open about being AB and about my transition too, my friends all know. Due to this I've now got an awesome support network.

    Now, I'm only just starting my transition (had my first face lasering a few days ago), but knowing that I'm not the only one who finds this hard, even though they know that really really want it, is good to know. It makes me feel normal.

    Part of the reason I started my transition was because you actually seem like a normal girl, and maybe I could be a normal girl like you (before then I kinda didn't think it was possible). (Since then I've made a few other friends who I can look up to too, but the fact you were out there in the first place really helped.)

    *(my teddies) long kitty and teddy waves*

  3. “This is a post about my transition and issues with depression. If you're here to fap, pass this one by πŸ˜›

    Ugh… I'm looking at photos of me about a year and a half ago… the hormones were really, really working, I felt good, I looked good… what happened?”

    Riley, generally when people come to fap to you it's a pretty good indicator that you're hot.

  4. It is always good to see new posts from you and hear the thoughts on your mind. I would have one piece of advice, of any kind, does not always work for everyone. In all honesty, I could never imagine the experiences that you have or are going through (though I would like to try πŸ˜› ). I do have a background in psychology, so I guess there is a limited (albeit, a severely limited) understanding of how you are feeling. You mentioned needing a good cry, and that you have difficulty crying. I have a long time friend of mine, and when I realized she wasn't vanilla it surprised me, it was a pleasant surprise. Anyway, she has a similar problem, crying helps her some times, emotionally, but she has trouble crying; a Dominant working with her, at the time, would flog her or spank her, until she cried, and it worked (for her, anyway). I just mentioned it, hoping to help. I have followed your videos and blogs for quite some time. I sincerely hope that you feel better. I read what diaperedsissy wrote, and I agree, please know that there are many who love and care for you. I continue to wish you all the very best in life.

  5. Hoy Riley!
    I just came across your blog today, and I just wanted to say you are such an inspiration! I've already gone back months and months in posts reading, and you are such a positive person when you write to us.

    What you're going through right now with the fear of how you look is right where I am right now. I'm just about to start hormones, but I'm so afraid that I've grown so much in the wrong direction that I'll never quite look right in the role I'm most comfortable in, so it's scary for me to even get my hopes up enough to start. But you look so adorable in your most recent pictures, it's really something for me to look forward to! If that's you backsliding, then going back on the hormones can only make you look even even better! If anything, it'll be a huge help to self-confidence knowing that you'll stay just as adorable as you are now once you start back.

    Here's to hoping for more confidence soon.

  6. I just want to say that you are a BEAUTIFUL girl and the strongest, cutest, bravest little baby I have ever seen. No matter how things go , you will always be our baby Riley and we love you for who you are πŸ™‚ Sray strong girl, we believe in you πŸ˜‰

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