This is a post about my transition and issues with depression. If you’re here to fap, pass this one by 😛
Ugh… I’m looking at photos of me about a year and a half ago… the hormones were really, really working, I felt good, I looked good… what happened?
I wrote a long list of questions that i’m too embarrassed to share. I am trying to pick myself up and look towards the future, but the past is really tearing me apart. When I try to date, I get depressed about old lovers, when I try to model, I only remember how far I’ve slid back in terms of hormones. I am taking them again, confident but also really, really disappointed in myself. Trying to break these depressive moods, I’m meeting a therapist next week, managed to make that happen faster than I hoped. I don’t know if that’ll be the solution, but it’s a start.
Despite the frustrated tone of this post, I’m feeling positive. I’m not in a hole right now, I’ve merely storm clouds over my head. The main reason why I have not achieved certain goals in life are these depressive cycles, everything will be going great and something will trigger me to mess it all up through depression, social withdrawal and substance abuse, sometimes all 3. Big triggers are my stepfather, regrets and my heartbreak with “the doctor”, I need to talk to someone about these things and it can’t be a friend or daddy or lover or internet stranger, it needs to be someone I can cry around.
I miss crying, the hormones let me do it, I really could use a good cry and a snuggle. Why did I fall off the right path? What was I thinking? Will I ever be able to physically get back to where I once was?… Again, I have a whole long list of questions I’ve written that I’d like to share, but can’t because they will make you sad, they make me sad 😦
I don’t know what I can do to cheer myself up, so I’ll have a shower, a shave and go drop off some resumes. Even if it’s miserable and I go through the same fear and intimidation I’ve endured in other jobs, at least there’s something to fight besides myself. Or it could be really awesome! Stay positive Riley! It’s really hard but you can *actually* do something amazing with your life, you just need to edit out the sad parts and focus on the good ones, love and friendship and the fact that you’re young and beautiful. It’s going to be alright.
Hugs everyone. More crinkly cuddly stuff soon, these sad cycles will always be there I just need to learn to deal with them better. I’ve come a long way, have a long way to go… I’ve written these similar words plenty of times on my site… I really, really hope I get better 😦