the one

Hello friends, this post is going to be short long and end with a bit of sweetness. I have a few things that I need to get off my ever-growing chest. 

I’ve talked about this before, but jealousy is a foul beast and is a topic that arises when focusing on my transition. Let’s revisit my hormone timeline a bit, I started low-dose in 2009, kinda fell off in 2012, getting back into it this year. Just upped my dose from a low-dose to a medium dose after seeing my make-shift doctor at the Norcal planet parenthood. I have been living as a girl for 6+ years. Part of starting this stronger dose is abolishing cigarettes in my life, smoking has been one of the biggest obstacles in my transition ~ 3 days off now! I’ll talk more about the destructive/distracting aspects later, this post isn’t about me but rather about my reflection.

I saw a gif of a cute transgirl playing with her natural breasts, and I was awash in sad jealous dysphoric feelings…. why can’t I have breasts like that? Going deeper, why couldn’t I maintain my hormones well enough to have grown like that? At one point in my transition my biggest *want* was having been born a girl, but after living as a woman for as long as I have, I’m finding myself regretting things as opposed to wishing for things that could never be. I compare myself to cisgender women, but I’ll likely never be as curvy or breasty as most girls. Especially online, there’s so much imagery that the more pretty people you see, the less attractive you can feel… This is the point that I remind you I’m coming around to a conclusion in this post, this is one of those posts where I figure things out on my own through the process of writing them down for an audience, a valuable way to introspect. Thanks for coming with me on this little journey into the mind o’ Riley 🙂

So, huge jealousy issues with my looks… but let’s not forget the financial jealousy too, that whole “privilege” conversation. I really wish I had a car therefore I’m pretty damn jealous of folks with cars. My parents have never financially supported me as an adult, I become jealous of people who have loving parents. I become jealous of people in relationships occasionally, but often just try to avoid thinking about that altogether. So, a little jealousy is fine, maybe even a good motivator, but occasionally we find these simple “I wish I was X instead of Y” turning into more “Fuck you X, I’m only Y because I never had Z like you”. This kind of thought is no step forward, it’s a decree to stay motionless and play the hand you’ve been dealt instead of making up your own game.

I can definitely see moments in my life where I couldn’t swallow the bitter pill of reality, where I let all the bad things that happen to me turn into negativity, even hate towards others that have had it better than me… the kids with new backpacks and their parents still together, the girls with daddies, those who haven’t had to scratch and hustle for money their entire lives, transgirls who make an easy transition… I have found myself with clenched fists thinking of these, but it all comes down to a definitive statement that came about in another introspective writing exercise, I’ll share it here… 

We’re going to start hearing of more well-off, balanced teens transitioning with ease with the law on their side and protected from bullies, that’s a wonderful happy thought, even if that was hardly the case for most of us. Feeling anger towards them is the definition of bitterness, and the cure for bitterness is finding peace in who and where you are in life.

I was told that learning to deal with jealousy is part of becoming a woman, not just from male-to-female, but also from girl to woman. Whatever they put in these hormone pills sure sets it off, it’s all part of the experience and I’m better for it. I can be petty, I can be short with people, I can even act a bit spoiled sometimes, but the more comfortable I become with myself the more those negative traits go away. I’m especially happy to be rid of my masculine traits, such as overcompensating for low-self esteem and putting up walls for relationships/emotions. Your soul simply rots if you can’t express yourself, the soul here being your consciousness, the thing that makes you *you*. People grow like anything else under the sun, we need to be nurtured and to grow together, the togetherness is what makes us thrive. Jealousy begets hate and hate buries us, washes us away.

Tactics to deal with jealousy… realize that deep down we’re all the same, we all dream and hurt and occasionally feel hopeless. Who among us doesn’t have a brain, a heart or a secret, who isn’t jealous of at least one other person? Humans will always covet, but it’s a matter of not letting those wants turn into either hate towards others or towards yourself. There will always be someone funnier than you, same with richer or poorer, younger and older, more or less privileged. Just focus on what you have to contribute to the world, how you can make yours and other peoples lives more harmonious, more productive, more fun 🙂

 This also goes for people that just annoy you (people who are all about diamonds/designers grrrr…), just because someone is an ass doesn’t mean you should hate them… I am wincing as I write this, but really, some people just aren’t enlightened and it’s really not their fault. Instead of mumbling angry things and then going home to drink away those sad feelings of being poor, of being a less-than, how about you just put them out of your mind? Or maybe make some art/media about how you feel about the issue? The playground of the Ego and the Id is littered with ways to feel superior, but putting people down isn’t the path to finding peace yourself. I’ve caught myself thinking “oh, i’m smarter/more creative than her” or even going as far to wish bad things to happen to others because I feel invalidated by them, I feel many people have felt this secret shame, it’s petty and awful, a symptom of depression and self-loathing. One must respect others and their journeys, this strange statement I found stuck to a mailbox in the Lower Haight has been in my thoughts often lately~~

I feel I’ve said everything I’ve wanted to say, I’ve always been a little bitter, jaded, sardonic, even from a very young age, as I grow older I grow more comfortable… getting older isn’t bad like I imagined, it feels good to have my brain fire the right synapses, someone said “Wisdom comes from the brain slowing down”, and I’m coming to like this late 20’s brain speed. I think I could’ve shared this whole post in one tl;dr statement, you’ll find that below ~~ thanks for reading, big hugs and more soon!

the better we feel about life, the less jealous we become
the less jealous we become, the more we can love ourselves and others.

10 thoughts on “the one

  1. This is a great post. Thank you for putting so much energy into your thoughts and sharing them with the world.

  2. Ok. If I were you're friend I would be telling you to just STOP. YOU are far more attractive than 90% of the girls out there and I'm talking GG! Second, your life is the sum of YOUR decisions. No one else. Sure, people can hurt you with words or deeds but they can only do that once. After that it's you hurting you. You are in complete control of your life and need to keep in mind that it's not what happens to you but what YOU do in response that makes all the difference.

    My advice would be to spend less time worrying about how you deal with jealousy and more on defining your goals, planning how you can achieve them, and making positive steps each day to get there no matter how small.

    In short I would give you a metaphorical slap up side the head and remind you how much you have and push you to make the most of it. SNAP OUT OF IT!

    :-*

    -Jeff

  3. Riley,

    I wish it were so easy. I'm *intensely* jealous of transpeople whom I consider better looking and more passable than I (and that includes you.) How I've managed to be full-time female for nearly fifteen years I have no idea, because whenever I go out, I'm imagining that people see me as “Milton Berle in drag.” Having a disability certainly doesn't help, nor the fact I'm disfigured (severe spinal curvature). You can do what I've always longed to–walk into a roomful of cisgendered women and not stand out.

    I don't know how I could possibly feel good about myself under such circumstances.

    Rachel

  4. Riley, I am jealous of you ! Dont worry, everyone has his jealousy for some things or others. See! I am repared m to F from forteen years and I can be jealous of you! You walk actualy in a nowhere world made of médias,you are in demand for your women being. For years, me, I'am jealous every time I see others gils than me, better looked. But, As I am now small girl an big women at the same time,I like my jealousy because it's normal, and I don't let it take the first place, and I accept that other women can the jealous for something in my body or things I have. Look beside you and see the job you have made along the last years.
    If I have understanding quite well reading your blog -I'am french not speaking US well- , this year 2013 will be very important for you, more and more than all the roads you have ran along years. For me as I am looking beside me, past is like if it was a long nightmare, so in the future you will be proud of you, no matter the hard life running now tooo fast and tooo furious.

  5. Riley, Another thing. Breast will grow more with Oestrogens along the time and particulary after the surgery. Be patient, but for you living in diaper, the surgical opération is more and more important than knowing how big your breast will be at least. I had a look to Jenny's site, I enjoy pleasure in diapers just like other girls, my sex working well just like them, my breast are not small not big, but you can see in life, its a problem for a lot of girls! dont lost your mind: we are repaired women and girls, perhaps diapers saved us to be strong in this life, and will be so in the future.
    Claire, from France.

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