Sactostalgia

This is a personal post, it’s part sad, part happy, and all together melancholy. Read at your own risk.

It’s seems like it’s been years since I visited my hometown. I did come up here around February of this year, met an old girlfriend, did some coke in the basement of an old punk rock house that I had helped make infamous in my late teens. It was a patently depressing revisit, the same one where I confronted the person who broke my wrists in middle school. Fun! This time *should* be more depressing. I’m down here taking care of a close family member who needs it, oh let’s cut all the BS discretion, it’s my father, I’m up here in Sacramento because my father needs help after a recent surgery. About a month ago, after the Denver move fell through, I called to ask if he needed help, he said no, speaking mostly out of to desire to be self dependent. Things changed and here I am, coming up here was the “right” thing to do, but that doesn’t stop the nervous lump in my throat.

I don’t miss anything about Sacramento, I miss some of the people, some of the places, but those bricks and faces would likely mean just the same if they were in any other place. The city has rotted quite a bit since I’d visited last, there’s some new wine bars and coffee shops, but there’s also an ever growing homeless population, and crystal meth’s stranglehold over the streets is as strong as ever. It makes me sad the way Superman must get sad about Krypton, my home is dying, dead, but there’s no Zod to be blamed, just gentrification, drugs, and the debt of the state hitting its capitol hard. I went to the Capitol Park, visited the 25th anniversary of the Vietnam memorial there. Pulled out my little iPod and filmed some of the proceedings so my dad, a veteran, may see some Sacramento royalty speak highly of those who served. We watched it that evening, and it was nice, though I didn’t cry as I did while standing there filming. I don’t think I could cry around my dad, nor he around I. We just sat there watching Mr. Television, Stan Atkinson, talk about my dad’s generation, and the shitty reception they got when they came home. I’m so glad I’ve never gone to war, other than with myself.

I made this little note on twitter, lying on the floor of a room I had grown up in. It’s pretty much how I feel about growing up. I see my father not as I did as a young child, tall and infallible, nor do I see him as I did as a teen, as a weak and selfish man who missed many of my most important formative moments. I see him now as a person, I took off the angsty goggles of youth, and see him merely as a man, with achievements (a few beautifully rebuilt cars, a mother whom he cared for until her final moments, and two relatively happy and successful children) and regrets, though I’ll spare you the parenthesis on that one. Wounds heal, unspoken words find their voice, and sometimes we have just have to forgive, forgive others for their mistakes and forgive ourselves for years of not forgiving. I hated my parents for their divorce, I hated my stepdad and the long white stream of smoke that rose from his cheap cigarettes, I hated not having the things my friends did, I hated moving and changing schools. I felt I didn’t get a fair shake in the world, but it’s just life, my unique and tumultuous life, and I’m thankful for it.

I just got out of the Planet Parenthood here in Sacramento, I have in my pocket a prescription for Estrogen injections. I’ll save the excitement I’m feeling for freshly tilled soil of my next post, as opposed to this dry land, formed from a lifetime of held back tears.

To finish, I want to tell you why i’m smiling right now. The last time I saw my father I was wearing a suit and tie, the long haired best man at my brothers wedding. He knows I’m trans, he knows about My Strange Addiction, but has never really acknowledged my journey as *real*. When I showed up, he made an effort, a real effort, to respect my gender identity. He asked about how I showed up “looking like a guy” in my leather trench coat and jeans, and how I’d prefer to be addressed. He’s a mechanic, his experience is as far away from mine as you can imagine, but he still had the strength and conviction to look me in the eye and ask me who I was, instead of assuming or denying. That’s why I’m smiling, and regardless of where your family, support structure or the people you love are, I hope you can smile along with me.

More stuff soon.

diapers under my skirt, big ol’ lit up tree corpse, it’s that time of year again :p

Wet Dream

Very strange, very strange indeed.

I went to bed last night, nothing really special about the evening other than an exceptionally clean room and freshly washed sheets. I had forgotten my topsheet in the dryer and didn’t pull it out until I was nodding off, so I just folded my comforter in half and slept on top of my plastic sheets, like a big snuggly chulupa. I dozed off all warm and wrapped up, my skin on freshly washed sheets, naked as we came.
I don’t masturbate very often these days, if I do have sexy times, it’s on cam or w/ someone else… I just think I need that “human touch” that lotion and Japanese diaper videos can’t provide. I’ve had a pretty stressful last few days, visiting family and travel troubles, lots of un-sexy times that didn’t allow for carnal acts. Though to be honest, I’m significantly less “horny” than I was before hormones, “cuddly” is a better word to describe how I feel now. I want to be touched, held, not just orgasm. Horniness has always been confusing, i’m super-sensitive and my aggressively circumcised parts are my main erogenous zone, so even though I feel dsyphoric (read: out of place, negative) about my parts, I still have to work around them to orgasm. Sex/orgasms are inevitably going to happen be it with a friend or playing on cam, it’d be a shame to  turn that part of myself off.
I learned that I can’t turn it off, even if I get distracted. I don’t remember the dream at all, I just found myself in a daze feeling as if I really, really needed to pee. Not asleep, but definitely not conscious, I realized I was about to orgasm or pee, and I didn’t really care which one. I felt myself orgasm, which woke me up, but still at this point I wasn’t sure if i was wetting or ejaculating. My senses come to me, and I realize I had just came, and still really needed to pee. It’s the middle of the night, I pee and it feels amazing, still “raging” downstairs, i’m glad my roommates hadn’t seen me as the sight of the thing was rather threatening. The more time you spend w/o getting erections, the stranger they feel, and the whole teenage-ness about having a wet dream left me feeling pretty confused. I didn’t even realize how cold it was until I found my teeth chattering, I was very quickly back under the sheets, and into a footy sleeper and diaper. It’s a shame that as soon as I was my covers I cum all over them, silly little girl can’t control herself sometimes 🙂
So why did this happen? Yesterday was one of the better days i’d had in a while. I did some fall cleaning, organizing, laundry etc, and as a result was in a footy and diaper most all day. I went through 3 whole pairs of attends, one with a baby diaper stuffer, and a Tena pull-up. It felt really awesome to be a crinklepants all day, I so rarely find the motivation to wear. Whenever I get back into my nappies there’s always a “why don’t I wear these more often!” moment, and this time was especially wonderful, I really missed my diapers. It’s funny/sad how life can suck the life out of us sometimes, how we can forget what makes us happy or that we can actually achieve happiness. 
I don’t know if it was happiness that caused my wet dream (though again, there was no dream), it was more likely the fact that i’m super-super-super sensitive, and the way I folded my comforter added extra friction to my clit. I say clit, not like as a jokey name to avoid saying “cock”, but because as I get older I realize why my desire to transition is so strong, one of those reasons being the fact that my cock really should have been a clit, and the ridiculous sensitivity of it is good proof. It’s nice to have something validate my choices, instead of just thinking of reasons why I shouldn’t transition… damn those intrusive thoughts! 
I’m feeling pretty awesome friends, I’m not sure how long it’s going to last, i’ll try and hold on to these good feelings. My life is as stressful as it’s ever been, but it’s not going to get any better unless I do something about it 🙂 More stuff soon, I just wanted to tell you about this morning’s strangeness, I can’t remember the last time I actually had a wet dream ~ I guess I’ll be needing my nappies for now on, just in case 🙂
Hugs! 

Generic Life Update

Hey there friends! I know, I know, it’s been a month, i’m the worst blogger in the world, just wanted to pop in and give you an update ~

I’m staying in LA, the move to Denver was a premature, I need to reassess things and try again in a few months. I have more to share on this, it’s a positive choice ~ mostly have pics and stuff to share of my adventure in Colorado, with my friend Kitten. The events of the last few weeks have left me underweight, stressed and a little lost, but I’ve got a camera and a blog and a story to tell, that’s something, right? I’ve been doing myself a disservice by not making more videos, either naughty or thoughtful (or thoughtfully naughty). I love making videos, sharing my sexuality or dreams or what’s been on my mind lately, it’s a huge creative outlet and the thing I really want to do with my life. I sometimes feel like i’m two different people, one is creative, happy, eager to take on the world, and the other is depressed, uninspired, tired, wasted. When I make videos and post, I am the good Riley, when the site goes silent for weeks, I’m probably not feeling excited about the whole *life* thing.

I think I need a hug. My bear is sitting in my lap, it’s the early morning, I’m listening to Casiotones for The Painfully Alone, looking through my “to be photoshopped” folder, so many projects I haven’t finished! Putting my notes together, doing some things that I’ve been planning to do, but haven’t been in the mind to do them. I’ll be trying my best to stay positive, deal with life like an adult, even though I may be a little girl. Pics right after I post this!

Talk soon!

crinkles and jeans

I love my nappies, but these pics are from another day… today i’m only in my goodnites 😛 

I’m going to a transgender job fair today! Should be interesting, Los Angeles has cool stuff like this going on pretty often, that’s why I should stay, right? I’m excited to see the turnout, should be an interesting day full of transpeople and opportunitites, meeting people and stuff. I’ve always been curious about the corporate sensitivity training field, it would be great to write materials/activities on how to create safe spaces etc, but also to be able to speak on it to large groups. Just a thought, should be interesting to see how today goes.

Hugs, just a couple pics, some thoughts, Denver thoughts next post, Kitten put one of the videos we made up on her site, featuring Marshmallows! I would give the rest of mmmdiapers.com a look too 🙂

Talk soon, more crinkly fun soon!