I was just graduating highschool and was getting my first taste of real freedom. I was able to express myself as a girl with some frequency and was often smiling, regardless of all the less than smiley things happening in my life. I was living with my college professor mentor at the time, we’d been seeing each other since ‘02, it could only be described as a “predatory” relationship and imploded shortly thereafter. My parents and I weren’t speaking, my days were spent splicing 8mm home movies of happy families at the videolab where I worked, wondering what the hell I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I was planning on starting city college (an attempt at higher education that lasted the whole of 9 weeks), was smoking way too much weed with the professor which he had recently gotten me into, I was confused, scared and not prepared for what the next ten years had in store for me.
My camera shared the quality of one you’d find out of the bottom of a cereal box these days, but that didn’t stop me from snapping a few crinkly photos. The professor never really liked diapers, he was the kind to shun anything that didn’t fit his exact preference, so I found myself for the first time in my life, setting a timer, pushing a button and quickly jumping back into frame. Another time in my life where I learned to rely on myself and in many ways, prefer my own company to the company of others. I was the only person I knew that liked these things and the internet was the only place where I was accepted, the trans support groups were depressing and the people i’d found through local ads were all too scary, I found comfort on the internet, but cycled through various identities, too afraid of how coming out would effect my relationships and imagined career.
I never liked photos of myself until these, I had worn girls clothes in public a few times, halloween etc, and had never worn nappies out. I was still very shy, and the bullying I suffered from school and stepfather was still very fresh. I wasn’t ready to be me yet, so I made a little site called “Emily Wears Diapers”. I posted thoughts, pics and correspondences for a few months before things deteriorated, It was the beginning of a long standing love/hate relationship between myself and the denizens of the internet and a story for another post.
Taking these photos was my moment of self-realization that A.) I’m a diaper girl and B.) dear god I’m really a diaper girl and C.) the life i hoped for is achievable by my standards. I was very happy to see them, and wanted to show them to the whole world, to shake them at people and say “Look at these, how I feel inside is true, it’s not just delusion or perversion, it’s real, see? see?!?”. I’ve since learned that one’s image doesn’t validate/invalidate a persons chosen identity, but seeing myself as as the kind of woman I find attractive really brought out the smiles. I still had a long way to go (I still have a long way to go) but my goals are within reach, I just at times have been afraid to reach out and grab that single, sweet strawberry hanging on the branch, too distracted by the tigers chasing after me. Everyday I live as a girl is a day I live without that fear.
Positive thoughts, pardon the tags on the photos, I’ve discovered a ton of old photos to share but have lost many of the originals.More retro thoughts and pics soon! Thanks for reading and Stay Diapered ❤