Safe Squishy Snuggler

::Some sad stuff, some emotional stuff, some deep down feelings from this little girl, read at your own discretion, preferably with a stuffy::

Hi there friends ~ this is Riley, that diaper girl who used to blog relatively often. Over these last 3 months (!!!) I have been traveling, getting medical things done to me (not the fun kind), writing, a little bit of wreckless abandon,  and a little bit of hiding because I sometimes get sad and don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve been reading as well, at times we need a little spark to re-motivate us and put things into perspective, ABJane’s Blog has been that spark.

I am afraid of emotions sometimes. I think that’s why I stopped taking hormones for a while. It’s also probably why I stopped writing this blog. I could also draw parallels to keeping most everyone at arms length, be it friends or family or lovers. Or why I’ve never kept a therapist for more than a few appointments. Drinking, doping in all it’s forms, is another way to toggle my emotional switch to off. None of these things are good for me. I grew up in a world where emotions were stifled, growing up with an “M” instead of the proper “F” forced upon me was the first step in the construction of the walls around me. My relationship and grooming by a college professor at 14, constantly sparring with my alcoholic stepdad and my physically abusive mother,  bullying and hostility from the world around me, after all this in my youth I decided to take the path less taken, and as a result spent much of my life as an individual, and alone. Even if i’m in a room full of friends, or being held by a lover, I still feel alone. I’m so afraid to talk to you people about these things. I’m so afraid you’ll hate me.

And that’s the key right there. I have had times of incredibly low self esteem, a fear that if I let people behind my walls, they’ll realize that i’m an awful person and leave me like so many others. Last year when my best friend died it broke me in two. I didn’t go to their funeral, I stayed home and drank myself into oblivion. I didn’t stop for months. All those feelings of loss, abandonment, fear of death and aging, were too much for my little girl heart. I still think about it everyday. I pulled myself out of the darkness but only enough to function, not enough to get better or really deal with my problems. I’ve been on the edge ever since, often toppling one way (hiding) or the other (caring). I’m such a terribly sensitive, empathetic person that I sometimes just shut down, the drawbridge goes up and I watch my life from far behind my eyes, as it’s the only way to not feel. That’s not very healthy, I hurt the most when I bottle things up.

I had to leave LA because I had 5 feet in the grave, and the last few inches of me were slowly sinking. I came to NY, to be with people I trust and to start being a full human being again rather than a mere shell of one. Since coming here, I have taken better care of myself than I was in LA, but haven’t been addressing the issues enough. I’ve been working part time, playing video games, trying to balance emotions and goals and booze and boredom. I have been doing about a D+ job, and i’m sitting at the computer speaking with you as a way to hopefully improve my grade. I need to care more, feel more, hide less, let in the sunshine and push out the darkness or at least balance the two.

This world has changed, and where I’ve pointed a ton of fingers at a ton of hurt i’ve experienced, I feel like I can actually talk about it now. Mental health is something that’s finally being discussed, not shushed or shamed. I’d like to think the openness I’ve shared on this blog was an additional drop in this cultural seachange, and it’s so, so, so important to me that I keep writing and expressing these things.

Thank you to those who listen to friends when they open up about their pain.

Thank you to those who accept, not dismiss, times of depression/anxiety/hurt in others.

Thank you to those who have written bloggers and kept them motivated.

and thank you Jane, you’ve opened doors for me that I was too afraid to open myself.

I’m not better. I’m not even OK, i’m not going to fake it. But i’m trying. I’m taking stock. I’ve called a therapist. I’ve reached out to friends. I still drink but in moderation, though that’s a windy ledge i’ve stood on before. I’m coming to better terms with the friends I’ve lost, and the people who I’ve hurt, and those who’ve hurt me. I’ve done some bad things, and had bad things done to me, but that doesn’t mean i’m a bad person. I’m starting to realize that.

The titles of the last few posts are Modest Mouse references. I didn’t listen to my favorite music for months, when I shut down I seriously shut down. I’m not making any promises to you, only to myself, but i’ll do my best to keep the Riley generator running. This little light of mine, I want to let it shine ❤

Hugs and love,

Riley K.

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12 thoughts on “Safe Squishy Snuggler

  1. Hello!
    Okay, so you have a good number of fans, so maybe this won’t mean much, but I feel like I ought to say something to you in return for your presence in my life.
    I’m a fan of yours. I haven’t seen much of your porn, but I have seen a lot of your casual videos, and I have to say that since day one, looooong before my own coming out, you have been an immense inspiration to me in every necessary way. The first video I saw of yours may have been the first time that I realized I could make my own transition. You were so confident, open, and honest. In a way, it gave me confidence. I thought maybe I could finally examine myself and test the waters of my identity, which had been shut out since I was a babe from bullying and abuse. Sure enough, after doing some exploring, I discovered that I was transgender. It’s been years now, and I have blossomed like a rose.
    Sure enough, though, I wasn’t through with you. I also had a strong sexual awakening along with my identity, and that part was no less dramatic. It seemed like I replaced my Christmas list with a fetish list. Everything was new and exciting, but I was afraid of voicing myself to my partners for fear that they would leave me, as my first girlfriend had when she learned I was a woman.
    It all came back to you. There you were, making diaper girl porn and loving it, announcing it to the world. I was amazed to see you every time, and again, it inspired me to be more open with others about it. To my unending joy, my partner is elated about my fetishes and is more than happy to accommodate, and life sometimes feels to good to be true, especially since this time three years ago, I was staring at the business end of suicide.
    So look, it may not mean much, you may not see it or read it, but you are amazing, and I really think you are an inspiration to more than just me. I hope that your depression abates at least a little in the near future; I’ve had severe depression my whole life, and I know how sick it can be. I don’t know you, really, but even without having spoken to you, you are like a supportive family member to me. Please take care of yourself!

    Sincerest regards,

    Marcy

    • “life sometimes feels to good to be true, especially since this time three years ago, I was staring at the business end of suicide.”

      It’s strange, I have felt like that over various periods in my life, I felt that too good to be true feeling when I first started transitioning, and then again when I moved to the Bronx, and at points in LA. I’ve felt that business end in other moments, part of lifes ups and downs, it’s just the extremity of the lowness I’ve felt recently, it is unlike anything else, and it’s come to scare me. I think I’m trying to take the path you are, pull myself out of the funk, and taste that sweet nectar of life again.

      Thanks for writing, for the motivation and kind words. It means more than I can say ❤

      • Again i can relate 😦 I sadly have Come to know that (for me at least) happiness Dosnt last long so i expect the worse. I have Tried to take my life 9 Times Since 2oo8 and been Hospitalized each time the most recent Being I have found just last month. Ive Found some one who helps me thru that tho. My Girl friend And ABDL Mommy. I used to HATE it when people always said “it will get better” But Please belive me when I Say IT WILL GET BETTER. Just stay strong and Cuddle your Bear and you will Make it through 🙂 Im Glad to hear things are getting better.
        I cant Promise things will get better quick But i can Promise they will And if the Dark Thoughts Creep into ur Little Head Again I know you have TONS of people Who will help and Listen. And if Not…well u have me on Fetlife 🙂

  2. You are a wonderful and strong person. Don’t let booze or drugs rule you please. Put on a nice warm diaper and snuggle up to bear bear. Things will turn around for you. Stay strong

  3. Hi Riley,

    I just want to say that you’re making really positive steps–heroic ones even. It takes immense amounts of courage to even start down the path to better mental health. It’s really easy to stay where you are but to see what you want and begin reaching for it is amazing! Remember you’re not alone though. You’re never alone, but mental reminders of the friends you do have and those of us here who have long had the pleasure of seeing you, we’re with you, I’m with you. We’ve got your back. It won’t be easy but even though I don’t really know you, I’m proud of you Riley. You are a good and decent person. That I’ve seen for years through your willingness to share of yourself for the benefit of others. Anyway just remember in your darkest moments that there are people in your life you can share with, can open up to, even feel with. You don’t have to bear it all alone. Do stay diapered–I know it helps me sometimes. Take care on your journey, and let us share the burden every now and then.

  4. hello riley,
    First i want to say iam german and my english is probably not the best.

    Ive read as well as seen much of you. And in every word you wrote or every char you spoke i never heard that you have such a complicated life. ( except a post from 2011) you alway looks so happy.

    And this is why i want to say thank you. For everything. As i first meet your sites i was 14 or so. I was (or were) a little boy with a huge load of fetishs like an Adult Baby or rubber and bondage fetish and also crossdressing. And in all time you give me hope of not fall into a deep black hole if anybody finds out. Reading your texts always was exiting.

    But please stop drinking and doping. As you say its not healthy. And dont matter about people who dont accept you. You are you and that is what makes you you.
    I (We) will always be with you!

    You are awesome!

    Thank you!

    Marvin

  5. Riley, I had no idea all that stuff was going on in your life, but I’m glad you’re taking steps in a positive direction. Let me just say: Don’t worry, I don’t hate you! I find you quite inspiring, in fact. Please keep toddling in the right direction! BTW, I agree, ABJane is awesome! (As, IMHO, are you.)

  6. Hi. Reading your latest blog made me sad, angry and hopeful too. To a lesser degree my little life reflects yours in some respects. I’m not transgender, I’m even hetrosexual but I was abused as a child. I never felt like I truly fitted in with the world and I had an alcohol dependence to conquer. And just to top it off I’m in my second year of remission after very damaging chemotherapy. But I’m a fighter. A survivor. Teetotaler now for 10 years. ( Sorry, cutting down isn’t enough. I tried that and gradually found I was back at the same level of abuse and beyond. You need to quit completely.) I had to rebuild my body from a post cancer wreck to something half decent courtesy of hard self control and workout at my local gym. I’m starting to ever so slowly make new friends. An old one has recently contacted me via FB. She was in my past 37 years ago. We have much to catch up on. She’s a good, trusted listener. Though how much I’m yet willing to divulge I’m not sure. I’m still firmly a misanthropist.
    As an AB/DL I find it hard to form new relationships. Only one other person on the planet knows of my “condition”. She was OK with it for a while but ….
    I hope you emerge from the darkness. It takes perseverance and an inner strength. Your blogs are a testimony to your strength and a willingness to survive. I hope you find the courage to tell the world to sod off and you shine from your inner self and light up the darkness.

  7. Riley, I Found your blog Early on, you have helped me so much deal with myself as A transgender MtF and Little.It made my little heart Jump with glee when i saw u added me on Fetlife (im Bethy_bunny) you have helped me so much as alot of What i was Going thru u were too even now. (that last post desescribed me to a T) i look up to alot and it kills me to see you so depressed 😦 . I hope u feel better soon. The world is a cruel dark place but dont let the darkness of others destroy the light of what makes you YOU stay strong and beautiful

  8. Dear Riley, I kind of don’t know where to start. When someone you care for dies please get yourself to a grief counselor. When my mom then later my dad died knowing the seven steps of grieving helped me realize and process what I was going through, instead of a chaos of loss, anger, denial, sadness, crying, etc.
    I’ve never been to a psychologist, although I know it would be helpful and I should. (Which is weird because my brother is one.) That you get to them at all is a few steps ahead of where I’m at.
    I too was a big drinker and drug taker, and lost a valuable guitar to drug use. I still enjoy drinking with friends when I’m in a good mood. Having been arrested for DUI, before it got really expensive, I learned not to do that anymore. Knowledge that came slower but finally, was that when you’re sad or angry or depressed drinking alcohol improves nothing at all. Zero! Zilch! I truly hope that you will come to a solid realization of that.
    You are profoundly important to so many people, and by example an inspiration to many too.
    Please try to love yourself. You deserve to. People love you, but I think that you have to love yourself before you can let others really love you. I wish you every good in the world, stay healthy and stay safe. Please know that if you need to rant when angry or cry when you are sad, even if it’s only whining over some annoyance, GO AHEAD.
    That’s what friends are for. I realize that you don’t know me, but there are many like me who consider you as if you are a friend.Perhaps your blog could be a literary sensation. Look what happened for Anthony Bourdain. You are an intelligent person. Your SRS video blog on Youtube is a very moving and involving chronicle.
    The main takeaway is just that you ARE loved. People need you because you are the wonderful and very human person that you are. So you’re not perfect; nobody is. We love you still and you’ll be in our thoughts and hearts.
    I don’t mean to put you on a pedestal because people have a tendency to wait for someone fall off of them, and I’d want to fight anyone did that to you
    I’d like to send you a song from Youtube that I hope doesn’t seem too sappy: ( I don’t seem to be able to paste the link) Listen to Louis Armstrong’s “What A Wonderful World”. Always, caring loving hugs.

  9. So many heavy things you have going on in your life right now riley, You are loved by many people, I love to read your adventures, I often wish I could be as brave as you are . I am glad to hear that you are doing what is best for you. Your true fans will wait for you to heal, and come back online when you choose to. I look forward toward the day that happens

  10. i feel like i want to cry right now. you and maby i cant solve any of your problems but maby i can shear you up just a little 🙂 to make you feel a little better

    when i was younger i did not know i was a ab and struggled for many years hating myself and others you are the reason i am able to staydiapered and be happy now

    i want to one day be able to see posts from you and see you happy and feel loved i know a unknown soul is the most useless one but from one person going through depression to another i love you

    if you ever want to talk because you dont know who else to talk to i would love to ❤

    stay diapered

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