ContentWarning/Real Life stuff ahead.
Soooo many pictures. So many pictures that I don’t remember the context of. So many random diapered outings, selfies, scenery, I’m basically sitting next to you at a diner after a long way away, showing you photos on my phone. Unfortunately for various reasons my life is probably blurrier than most, the constant change and past experimentation with illicit substances etc, so I have the photos and maybe not the whole story. And then there’s things that I remember all too well… I have a feeling that we all have those moments that keep us staring at the ceiling at night, wondering equally why we acted that way and why we’re still thinking about it.
I’ve been terribly grumpy the last few days. Maybe it’s work or lack of sleep or adjusting back to life after my California trip, at least its not a hangover. It’s been really fun sharing all these pics and stories, was just looking through all my pics from Provincetown for the next post, but seeing all this old video and pics has made me a little sad. I haven’t taken hormones for years, I intend to start again but for various reasons I just couldn’t take them and since then my body has basically de-transitioned, though I still of course identify and “present” as a woman. I’ve had some pretty serious health issues over the last few years, both my fault and not my fault, and now that I am out of the rough when it comes to that I am having that feeling of starting all over again, but in a morose as opposed to optimistic way.
When I was 23 and first started taking hormones, I regretted not starting my path to transition earlier. Now, 10 years later, the regret is tenfold. But something I read online the other day got to me. I forget the context but someone posted “Is your life more about achieving goals or managing regret?” and that stuck with me. I’ve spent some time as a bitter person. Outwardly friendly but detached, not staying in touch or making many new friends, going through the motions of life with a boulder chained to me, groaning when I look in the mirror. I never imagined myself that way. Going through a bunch of old stuff at my Moms house in California also triggered some pretty heavy negative nostalgia, (negstalgia?). Years ago I kinda lost it when my best friend and someone I dearly loved died one after another and the trip brought up many old memories. I hate to use that as an excuse, but I already had unresolved personal issues before that, and drinking too much and depressive triggers kinda led me down a dark path.
So what is my life, when it seems I’ve spent more time lately regretting than progressing. Well, the one thing I’ll always have is perseverance. As a child, as a teenager, all my life I’ve faced struggles and i’ve always come through it, I’ve never lost hope that someday I will feel content, loved and able to love. I could say I feel that now even, though there are some kinks to be worked out, no pun intended. Quitting drinking has been a big positive change for me, I’m writing again, getting back into things that truly interest me, sharing with the world, spreading positivity, all that good stuff. I’m working on it!
My main goal now is consistency, looking 10, 20 years from now and seeing that the plans I’ve made will have come to fruition, or at least altered for good reason. I know things can’t always stay the same, people will leave and routines will change, but my heart and overall mission should remain absolute. Without it, I fear that bitterness will take over.
I remember now the context of that goals/regrets quote above, it was in a thread on “What’s the worst insult you’ve ever received”, because it’s devastating to think that my past, the bad things, would somehow restrict my future. When I talk about perseverance, that’s the main foe I need to persevere, to not lose hope, to “Not let the bastards get me down”.
If there ever was a legit answer about why I wasn’t posting, this is it. I wasn’t sharing because while some wonderful things were happening in my life, there was a shadow of depression and regret looming over it all, I didn’t want to create because I was depressed and I was depressed because I wasn’t creating. I was waiting for the time when I knew I’d be able to stay back, stay focused, and stay diapered/stay kinky 😛
Life is actually really good at the moment and are getting better everyday. I have some lovely stuff to share with you, including another random picture post right after this one. Though I won’t shy away from telling my true feelings, I’d love to focus on the positive, the cute pics and diapered musings. I am at a point where things are looking very bright indeed and I hope you’ll stick with me while I stick with it 🙂
Big Bear Hugs and more stuff *very* soon