Dreaming again

~Be warned ye land lubbers, kinda sad transition talk ahead~

I tried to make a video and take a bunch of photos last week, set it up like a real photoshoot… didn’t work out well, I have a long way to go before I’m taking really high quality photos again… and moreso, have to deal with some serious dysphoria stuff that comes from how I feel about my body at any one moment. I’ve always had issues with my self-image, issues with comparing myself to others and not feeling comfortable in my skin. Transitioning really helped but as I am now at the crux of starting my physical transition over, I really can’t stand how my body looks. I’m getting back towards that cute and soft person I was for a while. I’m feeling the effects of not being on hormones, and it’s painful.

I went to the doctor last Friday, got some tests, will likely get the prescription later this week then start physically transitioning again. Patches this time, so it’ll be a little different. I imagine the outcome will be different as well. I plan to talk more about this in videos, I see so many transpeople come out, then 2 years later they’ve had surgery etc. and that’s it. I suppose that could have happened to me as well, but they didn’t. I can’t be the only one. So I’d love to be able to talk to others about how you can start over and to put it in a weird sort of way, that failure is an option.

Despite what my aggressive inner monologue has to say, I’m not too old or too jaded and I haven’t ruined my chances to be pretty, happy, loved or successful. I haven’t said or done such mean things to myself that I can’t ever love me again.

I wrote all that then took a step away for a day or two. I need to sit down in front of a camera and lay all this out… but for now, I’ll just leave you with the positive thoughts that change is possible, and it’s never too late. Hugs, and here are some pics from that Dream day, some of my favorites โค

Dream

I showed you one of my favorite videos, now for my favorite. Some emotional stuff ahead.

When I filmed this I was ostensibly homeless, house-sitting and sleeping on couches in SF. I was unfairly fired from my job (eventually won the Unemployment hearings, but life was rough for a while) and I was figuring out where to go and what to do as a young transgirl with dreams. Life was rough to me then, 2010, I was already an experienced sex worker and hustler in Sacramento. Things started to fall apart, I lost my beloved coffee shop job and a close friend died, issues with stalkers, vice, local thugs, basically too much heat in Sacramento so I set off to San Francisco. I had friends and contacts there as well as a stripping gig, though I didn’t have anything solid. SF is a good place to go if you’re living on the edge, but there’s also a culture around exploiting people like that, especially young, cute ones.

Life was continuing to harden me, adventure and drama was routine and exhausting. I dreamed to escape to a world of pastel and snuggles.

This is my dream.


I suppose life has never been that low, and I’m closer to my dream than I am to those old bus mall days. I took a bunch of cute pictures today, just to test out taking serious photos after a while. Made me feel optimistic about making new content for the site, making more videos for fun and for sale. Exciting stuff ๐Ÿ™‚

Hope you like the video, it means a lot to me. โค



Crinkle Clothing Defined

Hey there friends! After the last onesie post, I wanted to dig up one of my faaaaavvorite videos from a few years ago. There have been lots of discussions about sleepers/onesies/shortalls etc and I made this as a reference for what I call them. The specific names can change based on land of origin, but I hoped to clear up things at least from the American perspective. Plus I wanted an excuse to show off some of my favorite outfits!

The onesie I’m wearing in the video is the Hot Topic Disney one I mentioned in the last post. The snaps on it are really baby-ish and it makes my diapered butt look fantastic ๐Ÿ™‚

Hope you like the video, feel free to share with all your crinkly friends and more stuff soon. Thanks!