Coming up I have the Election and some personal stuff, a close family member is having heart surgery, they’re close to my age, and we’re all sending really positive thoughts. I’m glad to be emotionally available, to be able to handle myself and support others during tough times. Things have changed a lot this year.
Speaking of changes and to drastically switch gears… I’ve been an absolute crinkle butt lately. I’ve been trying on all sorts of new diapers and taking tons of selfies. Here’s a bunch over the last week 🙂
I bought this dress thinking i’d never wear it out, I pulled it from the closet and realized it looked perfect for the Ren-Faire. I love puffy dresses, tights and thick, safe diapers 🙂
This was filming the “Is AB/DL a Fetish” Video, I filmed a whole video (dozens of takes, I’m obsessive) and realized I had green on my shirt and it made the Keying look terrible, plus I just wasn’t happy with the video. I made another one the next day and it turned out much better. This is clear evidence that I do all my video pantsless 😛
Mostly it’s been Northshore MegaMax Smalls and BetterDry Mediums, with some randoms thrown in, I think the bottom is a Northshore AirSupreme Small. I like those, but the MegaMax Smalls I think are my favorite, most trusted diaper at the moment. I’ll keep doing research and searching for flaws, review soon!
Thanks for reading, positive thoughts, if you’re like me you’re back into footies and have your stuffies in their winter clothes ❤
It’s been a busy bear week! Lasers and videos and articles, it’s been a big week. First up, I was in the Buffalo Spectrum paper, this article isn’t 100% accurate or anything, I must not have been clear about a couple things… first, I wouldn’t consider myself an ex-Pornstar, I just backed out for a while and stopped shooting mainstream stuff… second, the first line says “she isn’t a glamorous toddler” which is a total falsehood, I’m totally a glamorous toddler!
She wrote a nice article all things considered and was very thoughtful and positive. I’ve been featured in various media for a long time now, and it’s nice to see things getting progressively more tolerant.
[about to get political hold on to your butts] I suppose there’s something to be said about intolerant people are getting more intolerant. There’s been a recent rise of conservative/alt-right/TERF blogs and Reddits attacking ageplayers (not specifically ABDL, more just ageplayers) and grouping them with pedophiles, pushing the idea that acceptance of LGBT means acceptance of pedophilia/bestiality etc, that old chestnut.
I think that the attacks on “undesirables” have become much more insipid, much more disingenuous. You see people trying to use transpeople as political pawns, implying that voting D means acceptance of all the harmful things they tell you transpeople will do. There’s a huge amount of money in it and a huge amount of attention to be gained from standing up “against the transgender/PC/degenerate cabal”. It’s an organized attack and putting transpeople and other marginalized groups that are largely trying to be left alone at rish.
I have a feeling that this fight for decency, inclusiveness is not going to end anytime soon. People will use acceptance of “non-normative” behavior used as a weapon. They’re going to jump into every post and every blog, planting seeds of dissent. They’re going to mass flag AB/DL sites, they’re going to fund transgender people that push their anti-trans agenda, they’re going to doxx and try and get ageplayers shunned. Since the president has pulled back the veil, you’re going to see a ton of money spent on hating people like me, and more followers born from their efforts. This is the last grasp of Evangelical dominance in this country, and they’re not going out without a fight.
Expect to be called a bigot because you don’t tolerate the intolerant. Expect to hear antagonism on every front, friends and co-workers, in every comment section, in every political advertisement pushing the agenda that anything non-straight, non-cis, non-missionary should be hidden or punished. People are being told that “transgender people are forcing you to conform to their beliefs!” and so they rebel, and “disagree” or have an “opinion” about something. Confronting that one’s opinions might be wrong, to really think about an issue and to question your views, it’s so hard for so many but such an essential part of the human experience. Calling me “she” is an impossible task for someone who knows only what they’ve been taught, not open to what they could learn.
I’ve been very tired of this lately. I’ve always been very active in politics, the punk/anti-bush movement out of high school, Marijuana legalization and expanding Trans health care in the late 2000’s, The Occupy Movement in the early 2010s, now getting heavy into elections and local politics in PA, I’ve always wanted to be Mayor of a small town somewhere and realistically expect to someday. I’m not trying to wear myself out with posts like this, I just needed to vent a little.
I was going to just make a little warning about the alt-right posts about Ageplayers and ended up spilling my political angst. I usually keep the politics to my personal life, makes me feel like Batman and the least amount of attention I can draw to this community from trolls the better.
Basically, stay out of the comments, don’t engage trolls and don’t let the bastards get you down. I’ve had to check myself and my stress/anxiety levels, stick to single-player games for a while, been listening to more podcasts instead of news, avoiding reddit etc. You know those end of the world seed vaults on the Northpole? Reddit is like that but for terrible opinions.
This isn’t about the Anthony Padilla Video, the comments on that are pretty darn friendly. And the Buffalo Article was super friendly too, I just needed to remind myself to not get so bothered by things like this. We’ll have to weather this storm of trolls, but even in my little lifetime I’ve seen things change significantly for the better, I’m sure the older folks can speak to that as well. I’m going to spend a lovely day at a theme park with a friend and then come home and snuggle my bears, there’s no reason to add “get stressed out by the news” in my agenda.
Here’s that Anthony Padilla video that i’ve been all excited to tell you about!
I can’t stand this thumbnail but overall it’s positive, with a little bit of an intimidating opening. I have lots to say about it, but it’s been a busy day with regular life stuff and I’m snuggling up with the bears for bedtime now 🙂
Long post about a whole lot of gender stuff, including dysphoria, things get a little hairy in this post, be warned!
Being trans isn’t easy. Suffering from dysphoria is also not easy. Make-up, fitting in, harassment, hair, these things have pushed me really close to giving up, just being a scruffy non-binary Riley for the rest of my life. I’ve always framed myself by my own perception of gender, I’m not a fan of societal standards and forced gender roles. I wholeheartedly believe that in an ideal society, the idea of gender would fade away and people would just be whatever they want, there’s plenty of speculative fiction and Star Trek episodes showing how great that’d be. Unfortunately, I don’t live in 2364 and in my life, I have chosen a side when it comes to how I represent my gender.
That kinda sounds like i’m giving up, doesn’t it? First, Non-binary people are great and valid and awesome, I’ve always supported our NB friends because I feel we share the same understanding, just not the same application in our lives. Second, I know many trans people don’t suffer from dysphoria, and feel like there’s a huge conversation to be had about medical need vs. other aspects of transitioning, dysphoria vs. identity etc, it’s a hot topic right now. Like many things I’m somewhere in the middle, not interested in nailing down any “right way” to do this, because we’re all just trying to figure this out and we’re all coming from different places. I feel like I’ve been saying that often lately…
In an attempt to explain my understanding of all this. Let’s goto the charts ~
This is a VAST oversimplification, and we’re talking sex not gender here, but this is how I understand all this. When people are developing pre-natal they get Male/Female aspects, we all start as a female fetus then hormones and genetics start having an effect. Above would be a crude illustration of the “normal” development of a male. Every male gets a little female bits, some more than others, I.E. men with larger hips, less hair etc, things that are effected by hormones. You could flip the chart and apply this to most women, they get a lionshare of F with some M thrown in, it varying drastically from person to person, especially in the case of Intersex or Klinefelter people.
Now this is how I see me. Life rained down just enough M that I developed male genitalia and the means to pump out testosterone, and things just kept getting more male from there. That over abundance of F is what led me to a fairly late puberty in which I started growing breasts, possibly I could be described as Klinefelters, but I never did enough tests to know for sure or don’t remember. It’s also always made me feel awkward in my body and with my genitals, incongruities between my brain and body, and even with my personality and peers at a young age. Young boys and girls were expected to act a specific way based off preconceptions of masculinity and femininity. I always felt like a kitten in a dog pound and the other boys knew, I’m sure longtime readers know about the violence against me in the boys locker room, specifically the incident with my broken wrists.
Despite all the genetic/hormonal/medical issues, I choose to represent myself as a woman to the world, because that’s my choice. I’m a girl because that’s who I am, and even though i’m a non-conventional girl who likes dress shirts as much as frilly dresses, I’m still a girl. Even if I have scruff, I’m a girl. If someone says “pardon me sir” to me, I’m still a girl. I don’t identify as a girl because girls are one way and boys are the other, I’m a girl because that’s the role I choose in my community, in society. Nobody gets to make that decision for me, not the doctor who took one look at my genitals and put M, not the cashier who calls me Sir, and not the gender critical people who want to argue against my existence.
When I say “choose” it’s not like deciding what hat to wear or any sort of frivolous thing, it’s me choosing to say “I am a woman” as opposed to choosing the path of least resistance and still identifying as a male, the identity that society has forced on me. I didn’t just wake up and choose to be a woman one day, I woke up and chose to be my real self to the world. I remember I made this same point on my strange addiction but the follow-up got lost in the editing, luckily I have a chance to make that clear here.
If it was 2364 I may choose to represent myself a different way, but it wouldn’t change how I feel about myself, or my desire to medically transition. I’m not taking hormones or getting a vagina for anyone but myself, whereas identifying specifically as a female has to do more with how I fit into society. I’m tired of being a “?” to myself and others, it’s my choice to answer “female” when asked and to dress and act in a way that affirms my female gender identity, and it’s my struggle to determine how much my dysphoria, my medical need, will lead to transitioning medically.
Like so many things in life, your experience may vary. This is my disclaimer that all identities are valid, and while I feel that medical intervention in transitioning is core to my experience, it’s not universal, being trans or NB does not mean you have the same issues I have about identity vs. representation vs. medical need. If you want to learn more about Non-Binary people, listen to those who identify that way. I can’t speak for other people, all I can do is listen and empathize.
I have my own view of gender, one which i’ve tried to express here in the least scientific manner possible. I suffer from dysphoria, and I feel the need to do things to remedy that, first up is Laser Hair Removal. I’ve never been dysphoric about my “attractiveness”, like I don’t fear being ugly or old (beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that), I just don’t need the daily reminder that when it rained down on my sex pyramid, I got just enough Male to grow a penis and subsequently lots of hair. I’m incredibly hairy, and i’m pretty damn tired of it. And even though I’ve had a ton of fun with my genitals over the years, that doesn’t mean I’m happy with them, they’re more of just a means to an end. This is all so complicated…
So I went and got laser on my face yesterday. I went through a few treatments a long time ago then life happened and I haven’t pursued it since. Now that Winter is coming, I had a little money and a little time to myself, so I happily got that miserable, painful procedure again. I’m tuff! I’m going to conquer the seemingly insurmountable wall of quitting smoking cigarettes, I will sail valiantly through the emotional ups and downs of hormones, and eventually slay the dragon which is “the surgery”.
I have been on this road for years, and stopped taking hormones about 5 years ago. I plan on taking them again very soon, and am finally starting my transition in a way that I know I may finish. It’s sad for me to watch old videos of optimistic young me saying these same things over 10 years ago. I still have intrusive thoughts that it’s all BS and I’m just crazy etc, the self-doubts all transitioning people feel, but I have the tools to manage those issues as well as other things. I don’t have any plans to fall into any holes, if my parents or friends pass, I can deal with it, if my life turns upside down, I can handle it, if the negative forces (stalkers, TERFs, Evangelicals etc) come after me again, I can handle it.
What I couldn’t handle was living a life devoid of self-actualization. I’m tired of being scruffy. I’m tired of getting “sir’d”. I’m tired of not being as successful and vibrant as I know I can be. I miss helping others feel better about themselves, instead of spending life managing my own pain.
So here I am, improving myself, sharing myself with the world, hoping that the world will open their arms to me. This little girl has a lot of love to give, and I hope you’ll follow me again on both the journey of life and the journey of transition. We’ve come a long way, and for the first time in a long, long time, I feel like this story is going to have a happy ending.
Hey there! I have a new video out, “Is AB/DL a Fetish?”
I know the keying/greenscreen isn’t perfect and this is like the 3rd version I made of this, others were too rambling or unfocused, this time I tried to sum everything up as concisely as possible. It’s still a bit longer than I’d like, but as I mentioned about my last video, I do plan on expanding on this stuff as time goes on as far as making completely [Revised] editions. I just have some attention coming to my channel very soon and wanted to have some learning tools prepared for when people ask common questions.
I made this to also spark conversations among ourselves and the community. I see this a particular way and try not to impose that on others, but also set some practical guidelines about expressing yourself in public. I imagine this would cause the most backlash as some people are more open about this than others. The standards set here are focused on respect for others, which everyone can agree is important.
So basically, I wanted to frame this in familiar language and the mainstream understanding of kink, using my own experience to help make it relatable, and dispell misconceptions about the more misunderstood elements.
Thanks for watching and feel free to share some ideas on what I could do better or what you’d make more clear, it really helps as I continue to define, rethink and make learning tools for this. Let’s talk!
More stuff soon, thanks for joining me on this journey 🙂
I was really really into pokemon until I was about 12 or 13 years old, We’re talking Gen 1, animated series, merchendise, stuffed pokemon from KFC, the golden card pokeballs from Burger King, the trading card game, I was all about it. Vulpix, Growlithe and Psyduck were my favorites, and of course cute little Eevee.
I’ve always seen Eevee as an inspiration because it can grow up to be whatever it wants, If you don’t follow Pokemon Eevee can turn into a fire type or a water type or electric type when it of evolves, and I always found that endearing, because when I evolved I wanted to turn into a girl-type.
But sadly someone did the evolving for me as is often the case with innocent, vulnerable things like Eevee. I was basically peer pressured into not liking Pokemon, mostly by my mom and stepdad, and coming around freshman year it really wasn’t “cool” to like Pokemon. People were doing grow up things like flirting with girls, getting in trouble, smoking behind the bleachers, And I was told I wasn’t gonna get anywhere in life unless I was doing those things, playing Pokemon was for “losers”.
That of course is not the case and Pokemon is as popular now as ever, and if I were to pick it up again I would definitely not be the only person in their thirties playing Pokemon. But more so I think if I would have continued doing the things I like I would have found my authentic life much quicker, would have not spent so much time trying to balance “fitting in” with my own particular quirks and interests that go against what most people find acceptable. I don’t really care what “most people” think, my friends and lovers and people I care about aren’t “most people”. They’re individuals and I love them.
I bought 5 of these same Eevee shirts when F.Y.E. was going out of business, aren’t they cute! I love baseball tees, elbow length-sleeves, purple, but most of all I love Eevee! Whenever I wear this shirt I think about how we can be whatever we want to be, and to make your own way in life.
The last Pokemon game I played was Pokemon Yellow, which cosmically came out 20 years ago (October 19th, 1999), both a strange coincidence but something that also makes me think about time a little too much for my liking. Maybe someday i’ll get a Switch and try Let’s Go Eevee, I also wanted to try the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series at some point, I love that Final Fantasy Tactics style.
So that’s some thoughts on Eevee, I just picked up Dragon Quest 11 and look forward to playing that, I need a cute snuggle game. I haven’t actually sat down and played a game in what seems like weeks, so I think this week I’ll take some time to battle some slimes.
Hugs, and thanks for reading… and the last picture is rated “S” for Soggy 😛
I went a little crinkle pic crazy this week. I was back in diapers 24/7 for a few days and couldn’t help but keep taking pictures. I really like sharing my dry diapers at night and then the wet diapers in the morning, not from bedwetting (yet) but just from snuggly morning wettings. It helps me feel connected with all the other diaper folks, and makes me take the time to share and make sure I’m in my diapers. I’m using all my internet friends as impromptu caretakers, it takes a village right?
Lots of #DiaperCheck here! I think the 2nd to last is my favorite, love snow jackets and diapers ❤
Big hugs! Don’t forget to check out my recent “What is ABDL?” video on My Youtube Channel! More stories and real posts soon!