112819

I know holidays are tough, I have some tough things to say, CW.

Today is a day like any other day, some people get together with family and other people don’t. People bend themselves out of shape to get together sometimes, travel great distances in the worst weather… and that’s good I suppose. I really didn’t like this holiday growing up for reasons that are as plentiful as they are not fun to write about. That kind of writing is for my tell-all book or rainy days, with all the Content Warnings.

Today I’m returning from a gathering with a friends family that was nice, friendly, I had a good time, though I hate long drives and the weather is miserable. Today was a vision of this holiday I never had, the ones you see in TV commercials, the ones that I wasn’t sure existed. It was nice… but that insidious doubt still lurks within me, that I’m an imposter, that I’m less-than, that there’s something wrong with me and I’m one wrong word or action from everyone turning on me. That feeling still aches inside. It aches less and less each day, but it still aches. This really doesn’t have to do with being AB/DL or trans, just that general feeling of doubt/fear/mistrust that can exist within victims of cruelty. I still flinch.

The holidays can be tough and I refuse to wallow in my own misery. Every year before this, I’d probably be sad tonight and hungover and even sadder by Tomorrow. This year, I’m taking the time to sit down and take a moment to release the pressure, to be present and address the heartache. That’s the only way I can deal with it.

I’m going to watch the movie Planes Trains & Automobiles, make a yummy sandwich, get comfy in my crinkles and snuggle whichever stuffy needs snuggling the most. I’m going to wake up and face the day as the strong, loving person I know I am. I don’t have to let the past dictate my future, it may rear it’s ugly head now and then, but I have the tools to address and manage it. Mental health can really feel like building a sandcastle sometimes, though I’m working towards the Legocastle, something sturdier.

Big huge hugs to everyone on this day, however you spent it. I think holidays are designed to bring us together, but some of us haven’t found our Dinner Table yet. Setting you a plate in my heart, I hope you’re warm and snuggly, the bears and I send love ❤

1st 6 pics are Depend, then Goodnites, then Up&Up pullups 🙂
More stuff super soon ❤

9 thoughts on “112819

  1. Riley,
    I can understand where you are coming from, I lost both my parents 2 years ago right about this time. They were married 70 years. I took care of them for the last 7 years of their lives. I understand what you mean building a castle made of sand, these are the hardest times of my life. I still can’t get together with my family, I just want to be left alone,but I’m trying. I’m watching Miracle on 34th Street, in my cloth diaper and plastic pants, letting the tears flow, and hope that it brings some peace in my world.

  2. Happy Thanksgiving. I send you all the good thoughts and warmth. You’re NOT an imposter, unworthy, worthless, not normal nor one word away from anyone turning on you. Your valuable, of great worth, respected, care about, and we all value to very much. You’re a special person, you’re you and I appreciate you for that. I value your person and who you are. I hope you have a great rest of the week and snuggle in your snugglies (diapers, bears, blankets). Stay warm, stay cozy.

  3. I totally understand that feeling! I’ve been getting it too lately and it helps to know i’m not the only one feeling it. Just that fear or worry of what if this person suddenly turns on me or this event goes totally sideways. For me, though, i know it has a little bit to do with being trans. I only came out to about 6 months ago but my extended family has yet to find out. The reason for that is simple, but i’d rather not touch it right now. I know I have support and people who love me, but it can be difficult to fight those fears. And I still, at times, have felt that imposter feeling (or what I’ve called the Black Sheep feeling).

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