4 Issues For A Better Community

Hello friends in the ABDL community, we need to talk. Huge Content Warning, we’re going to really get into it here. Most of this doesn’t apply to the average ABDL person but there’s still some things in here that we can all do better on.

Today’s post has been brewing for a while, I’ve mostly avoided controversy since reinvigorating this blog but it’s time to get serious. I’ve seen some bad behavior in the community (Community members defined by those participating in ABDL activities online or otherwise) and there’s some issues we need to go over to make sure that this community stays positive, inclusive and safe. There’s going to be people who argue with me about this, call me judgmental or accuse me of policing/shaming people, but I believe that these standards are universal and should be adhered to by all ABDL folks. This is some pretty basic stuff that I was hoping I wouldn’t have to say.

Issue #1: Age

A few months ago someone on Reddit said this community has a pedophile problem, I argued against that because that behavior wasn’t in my purview at the time, I was convinced the Deekers and creepers were scared back into their caves. I realized recently that I was being ignorant and my view of the community was rose tinted.

Age gets argued more than anything, as laws etc are different around the world and this community and age fluidity go hand in hand. BUT here in America and most of the western world (yeah, I know Austrias Age of Consent is 14 but let’s just stick with 18, not debating that) all agree that there’s a clear line between Minor and Adult, and that line is crossed when someone turns 18.

IF SOMEONE IS UNDER 18, DO NOT INTERACT WITH THEM IN ABDL ACTIVITIES. I recently saw a public Twitter post of a 30+ year old man bragging about grooming his 17 year old neighbor, they said they’d “Induct them into the ABDL community next year” and they helped them “come out as ABDL to their parents”. I was absolutely sickened by somebody admitting this and worse trying to normalize it. But what’s the absolute dregs is that some people that I followed liked the post and had followed this person. It really opened my eyes to something that I thought was universally considered both immoral and illegal, the grooming of a minor. What scares me is that it was likely “just a fantasy” and this person is actively looking for victims. And these people are victims, regardless of whatever dream logic the predators may apply.

I was groomed by a college professor when I was 14 years old, started a sexual relationship with him when I was 18. I was into diapers before I met him and quite mature, I thought it was love. Turns out he was a stone-cold pedophile and I was far from the first, a fact I didn’t realize until I was older and one that keeps my fists clenched in rage to this day. This is a personal issue with me and I refuse to stay silent about it, people who prey on children for their own sexual or romantic satisfaction are monsters, full stop. I will never stop calling people out on this and if you want to argue with me about age of consent, just leave your replies in the bin. If you’re 18 and dating a 17 year old, that’s a different story and if you’re providing structured queer outreach to LGBT youth (such as Pflag) that’s also a different story. The individuals preying on children are not doing it for the child’s benefit, but for their own. People should not take it upon themselves to “help” these minors, I don’t care who you are or what your motivations may be.

What scares me is that the people reaching out to minors think that it’s okay or they’re doing a good thing, I’m here to it emphatically say they are 100% wrong. I hope that we can all agree that if you’ve been alive for 6570 days or more you shouldn’t be engaging in ABDL activities with people under 18. Many of us felt a lot of confusion and shame as underage ABDLs, but that’s an experience everybody has to go through and is not aided by older people getting involved personally. If you want to help confused young people, telling your story is the best way. I’m certain that underage people have read my blog despite my protestations, when I was under 18 I was reading ABDL blogs, it’s inevitable, people are going to find this information when they’re younger like many of us did, no amount of 18+ Only signs are going to change that, I just ignore them and won’t respond if someone underage does reach out. I fully believe they are better figuring out on their own as opposed to my 30-something self getting involved personally in their development. It would be entirely inappropriate, despite me having the purest intentions.

While some peeking into 18+ Twitters etc. from minors is inevitable, what is not even remotely OK is inviting interactions with minors, making ABDL spaces for minors and adults to mingle or publishing “All Ages” or “Young Adult” content with ABDL fiction as a central focus. (Rosalie Bent does this and I can’t believe people still support that name). We all know that ABDL is more than just a kink for some people, but do not forget it is still an adult thing done by consenting adults that should not include minors. Some minors develop ABDL interests early, I did, but I also had sex before I was 18 with other under 18’s, just because kids are out there having sex or wearing diapers, doesn’t mean adults can get involved. Organizations like ScarletTeen and PFlag are run by professionals in the field of psychology, sexuality and sexual development, they are vetted and generally legit. Leave the “help” for confused young people to the parents and professionals. This standard is both to protect yourself from pedo accusations and protect youth from predators.

I see some conversation about age dysphoria, I don’t know enough about this to comment about it but I do understand things like “Clovergender” are shared specifically to make queer people look bad and imply LGBT folks are supportive of pedophiles. I’m not saying they are the same thing, but be cautious how you identify. And while Age Dysphoria is a hot topic to some, we need to set some solid standards around that. I’m annoyed that I have to say this, but chronological age cannot be argued. You can feel whatever age you want to feel but if you’re over 18 on the calendar but feel like you’re 12, you’re still over 18 and should not be interacting with minors. Feel and identify all you want, but it doesn’t give you access to minors. Also, being ABDL is not the same as being a protected class (I never facepalmed so hard when I first heard that argument). But i’m getting off track…

If you are sexually attracted to minors, you need help. I believe pedophiles/pederasts/ephebophile (or whatever the term du jour is) are often victims themselves and can be helped out of what I imagine is a particular kind of twisted hell, therapy, medications etc. I don’t believe those who are trying to get better should be immediately crucified, but with that said, if someone knows they’re attracted to kids and are not seeking help, or are actively seeking out underage people, they deserve nothing but removal of their ability to harm, be it institutionalization or prison. My empathy for pedophiles ends when they act on those feelings in any way, no quarter given to predators.

This doesn’t mean as an ABDL person you can’t ever interact with minors outside of the context of ABDL, we’re not given a black mark that says we can’t ever be around kids, you just don’t do ABDL stuff with kids for obvious reasons. It’s all part of living a balanced, healthy life, being ABDL shouldn’t restrict you from any aspect of life, be it parenthood or taking your little cousin to the park, you just have to know when and where and with whom ABDL is appropriate. And with under 18 people, it’s never appropriate.

What Can I Do?: Stay vigilant. Notify other community members if people are openly underage or seeking underage people. Report block and ban any images of children. Watch for red flags such as an absence of “18+” or IRL age in profiles. I’m really proud of the community for all the messages making me aware people that I should block, keep up the good work. That said, try not to amplify pedos or link to pedo sites, be smart about how you call content out. If you see something and don’t know what to do, you can always contact me @RileyBBQ on Twitter and i’ll get on it.

Issue #2: Consent

Consent: Permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

Non-Consent: Not agreed to by one or more of the people involved

Let’s first get the simple stuff out of the way, don’t send uninvited pictures to anybody or post pictures of you wearing diapers in spaces where it is not okay.

Posting diaper pics on twitter? Great!

Sending crotchshots to unconsenting people, even other ABDLs? Not ok.

Posting diaper stuff on Fetlife or ABDL forum? Great!

Posting ABDL roleplay to actual incontinence forums or incon spaces, harassing actual incon people who are telling their stories or posting crude, provocative comments etc? Super NOT OK.

Leave NonABDL incontinent people out of this, many of these people have enough struggles without having a bunch of creeps to send on their comments to fetishize them. If you are ABDL and incontinent and want to discuss products etc, go ahead, just leave the ABDL stuff out of it, it makes us look bad and more despicably it hurts/messes with other people. When it comes to sexuality I think “Do No Harm” should be a good standard.

Let’s talk about being in public, a controversial topic i’ve largely avoided because the conversation often descends into memes and hot takes, but we need to seriously sit down and talk about this for a minute. And before the contrarians come out of the woodworks, no, appearing on TV is not breaking peoples consent. That’s an asinine argument not worthy of debating, I’m not actually there, not a immediate threat and people tuned into the show on their own volition. Anyone using that argument is being severely disingenuous.

Many of us wear diapers 24/7 and in that pursuit there will be times when we are wearing and using diapers in public, and that’s fine, I do it all the time 🙂 Whenever I get out of the car my shirt usually bunches up and sometimes there’s a little diaper exposed, happens to the best of us. Sometimes we like to take cheeky pics on a train or in an empty public restroom or something, that’s fine but could potentially come with consequences. Anybody who’s taken a bar upskirt for their partner knows that could lead to an awkward conversation, at worst some public indecency rap but most likely not, because we’re taking these pictures privately and not as a means to expose ourselves to the public. There’s also a time and place, I’ve worn practically nothing during protests, I’ve gone full topless diapers and overalls at Folsom Street Fair. These are largely controlled environments in large groups of people doing the same thing and a worlds away from going to a gas station wearing only a T-shirt and Diaper.

When you’re a single individual walking down a public street or grocery shopping in an intentionally exposed diaper you have to realize that there could be very serious consequences for that. From being arrested, to being on the sex offender list, to getting beat up, to just being seen as a perv who’s trying to get a reaction out of people. If I saw someone exhibiting themselves like that, especially as a single woman, i’d perceive them as a threat and would feel unsafe around them as they would be acting unpredictable, like a clearly pantsless man in a trenchcoat. I’m seeing more posts like this especially with the anonymity that masks provide, so lets set some guidelines.

Some Diaper Peek or Bulge: It happens to everyone, don’t worry, noone cares or even notices.

Pacifiers, little clothes that don’t deliberately expose diapers, stuffies, comfort objects, collars, wearing in stressful situations like doctors or dentists: All great, wear and be who you want to be, diapers help me get through the day and I wouldn’t take that away from anyone, especially those who use it as a means to quell anxiety.

Outfits designed to intentionally provoke strangers into awareness of your diapers or roleplaying/scenes with strangers involved: Not cool.

I know humiliation is a big thing to some in this community but if you’re getting that thrill from non-consenting random people, you’re doing it wrong. I love humiliation but it belongs between me and other ABDLs. If you wear diapers normally you have nothing to worry about, I’m specifically addressing deliberate exhibition and how it’s a lack of respect for others. There’s a huge difference between a little bit of wardrobe related diaper peek and going full-bore LOOK AT MY DIAPERS EVERYONE. You wanna wear a princess dress with a poofy diaper? Have fun. Wanna wear Overalls, a Pampers shirt and a Paw Patrol backpack? Live your life! Nobody is trying to tell you that you can’t be you, it’s just the times i’ve seen people do “public display” they’re usually drunk, manic or horny and incredibly defensive when people call them out. Well, no amount of memes or “WHO CARES ABOUT NORMIES” is going to make that ok, and I’m certain that people acting rationally and with concern for others would not put themselves into that situation. Again, can’t believe I have to say this and worry about backlash for it, but don’t intentionally expose your diapers to strangers in everyday situations. Pretty basic stuff!

To clarify, i’ve had friends with piercings and mohawks and wear shirts that say “ChristPuncher” on them, they get all kinds of looks and some of it is just to “freak out the normies”, but when the intention is to get a kinky thrill from showing strangers your exposed diapers, well, that’s a bridge too far for me. Situational Awareness is key, what may be fine in Provincetown or Folsom probably won’t fly at an Iowa Walmart. It may seem like it’s all fun and games until a kid or parent sees you, calls the cops on the “diaper exhibitionist” and you’re now national news. So even if you don’t care about consent, think about the consequences for your life and the public perception of other ABDL folks. Call it “Concern Trolling” all you want, but I’d hate to see someone go out for what they assume is a fun diaper day (based off seeing others do it on Twitter) only to end up in a jail cell. Also, there’s some porn out there that goes wayyyyy to far with public exposure, and I would encourage you to avoid that, just because it’s being filmed for profit doesn’t mean it’s ok, in fact I think it’s a little worse.

Also, if you’re going to mess in public, there are many things you can do to avoid anybody knowing. Take those steps, people are just trying to live their lives and they don’t need to he subjected to poo smells, maybe do your messing/changing in the bathroom if you must. To the fully continent among us, think like an incontinent person and take every precaution they would. It’s entirely possible to be 24/7 diaper dependent and it remain entirely personal and private.

What Can I Do?: Just keep wearing diapers and maintain the concept that your underclothes are a personal thing, and while I’m sure some people will try to equate it with people sagging their pants, any intellectually honest person will know there is a difference. It’s not the end of the world if somebody sees your diaper, but the intention behind an exposed diaper is what really matters, make sure your intentions are pure and not dependent on the reactions of others. Simply, keep your diapers to yourself. I think most of this is common sense, but I’ve seen some drunk clowns film themselves walking around in just diapers lately and want to encourage people to think before you act, if only so you don’t end up on LadBible .

Issue #3: Mental Health

What follows is mostly personal advice for those struggling with ABDL at its core.

Many people in the ABDL community live with mental health issues. For some of us, knowing that we are ABDL has exacerbated some of those issues, adding to feelings of rejection, loneliness, “othering” etc. The pursuit of an ABDL relationship or ABDL acceptance can be soul crushing at times. Even the people in this community can be cruel and exclusive (more on that later). What can we do to find peace within ourselves and live healthy, happy lives while the stigma of ABDL hangs over our heads?

Search for balance. None of us are defined by this, we are all individuals with our own thoughts and feelings and loves and hates. If being an ABDL is causing you significant pain sometimes it’s beneficial to take a break, reevaluate your goals, take a look at your pyramid of actualization and find where balance is needed. I first saw this in the movie “God Help The Girl” (CW: Anorexia) and it really put things into perspective for me. I’m not saying this is for everyone or even applicable to real life, but it definitely opened my mind about priorities.

We all know that there’s stigma and shame around this but if it’s actively causing you daily pain, some introspection is needed. I know therapy isn’t a cure-all and it’s as difficult as ever to access now, but ABDL should not be something that makes life harder to live and if it does, I would encourage some deep introspection. I argue tooth and nail that ABDL is not an addiction, let alone My Strange one, but it can be a compulsion, an obsession, and those things can lead you to do things an otherwise rational person wouldn’t. Practice mindfulness, this link is a primer on it, for more thoughts, check out David Foster Wallace’s “This Is Water“. None of this is offered as a cure, it doesn’t apply to every unique mind, but I feel it’s helped me when my mental train derails and I get too spun out about something.

I can’t speak or claim to understand any of what’s going on in people’s hearts, but from personal experience I have sometimes has my head wrapped around something so tight that I lost perspective. Wearing diapers or being little should not be a barrier to a happy, healthy life.

What Can I Do?: There’s no homework on this one other than being kind and inclusive and listening to people who are struggling with ABDL. This community does wonderful things for the people involved and I have always found comfort in it. If anything’s going to help people that are feeling the shame and insecurity that comes from a misunderstood and somewhat unique interest such as ABDL, it’s fellow ABDLs coming together to support each other. Be a positive voice in this community, even if it’s just cheering on others.

Issue #4: Inclusivity

This is going to be the most “controversial” part of this post, though it certainly shouldn’t be. This community has many of the same problems with exclusivity that the world at large suffers. I’m sure some will claim I’m being exclusive or gatekeeping with my post today, but calling out bad behavior when it shows itself is necessary and not “bullying” or “shaming”, it’s maintaining the safety and sanctity of this community and protecting non-participants from bad actors. One rouge ABDL could do more harm to this community than a lifetime of positivity posting, so yeah i’m drawing a line in the sand when one needs to be drawn. Some people can’t handle being told what to do, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stay silent on it.

So, to the point, if we’re going to go anywhere as a community, we need to be accepting of EVERY body type, ethnicity, neurodivergent status, gender, religion, lifestyle, sexuality, socio-economic status, all the folks that are often ignored, “othered” or shamed. We need to elevate positive, diverse voices and silence hateful ones.

I’ve always personally avoided making blanket validity statements like “EVERYONE IS WELCOME AND VALID” or whatever, because it’s easy to say that and then forget to put it into action. Not to say those statements lack value, but what’s most important is that you live by it. When the brain sets itself to a task, writing down that task on a ToDo list triggers the same feelings of accomplishment that actually accomplishing the deed does, therefore making the deed feel practically done. Basically, we need to see more inclusivity in action.

The diversity in the community is a blessing and a curse. Anyone from any background can be ABDL, there are both diapered Klan Members and diapered NAACP members (I’m the latter, have unfortunately met the former). What we need to do as a community is what the progressive world as a whole is doing, which is denounce racism, ableism, and every other harmful -ism that we see. As a skinny white girl, I need to help platform those who might not get the same play as I do, as demographically the online voices in this community are largely male and white.

People around here are not mad at all white males for just being white males, but white males are often the ones quickest to reject the need for inclusivity. Many of my favorite people are white dudes that have the presence of mind to speak out against other white dudes when they’re being bigoted. I’m white, relatively healthy and a somewhat attractive woman, i’m aware enough to know that’s like having 3 extra stamps on a privilege bingo card, even though I have had my fair share of disadvantages and strife. We need to be aware of intersectionality, peoples personal and private struggles, and we need not assume that peoples front facing image is the whole story. Everyone needs to do their due diligence here, and we privileged folks need to step up for those being marginalized by others. Sometimes it’s a Retweet, sometimes it’s defending someone on a forum, sometimes it’s hanging out with a shy someone at a convention. Just be aware of other peoples needs and potential roadblocks, and do what you can to help! I know many of us are shy too, but we can all try our best!

This last 4 years have really emboldened voices of hate, we’ve always struggled with bigots like any online community but the trolls are more prevalent than ever before. They are attacking us, making hate videos, Doxxing, pretending to be us, pushing narratives that are destructive to the community at whole. These are outside voices, but there’s plenty of hatred and exclusivity within the community. Attacks on women for merely existing in the ABDL world, blatant racism, ageism, ableism, body shaming, people just being downright terrible about other peoples bodies and lives. It’s just not acceptable and we need to do better.

What Can I Do?: This is really where we need to come together and call out shitty behavior. I see people posting racist memes and luckily, people are pretty vigilant about calling people out. People are so afraid of “Cancel Culture”, myself included knowing that this post will ruffle some feathers, but in reality it’s an often necessary tool to shout down the bigots. When you see someone talking shit, call them out, don’t just scroll past. Making the world a better place is a contact sport, and we need to put on our big people pants and stop the hate before it starts. Luckily, most people I see on Twitter etc. are good about this, but there’s still more we can do. Let’s see more diverse models. Let’s help content creators of all backgrounds. Let’s include the furries, the daddies, the middles, the messers and the non-diaper wearers. You don’t have to get down with all that, but you can also keep your thoughts to yourself and not shame folks. If you prefer looking at skinny girls, that’s cool, but it doesn’t give anyone the right to disparage heavier girls. Nothing gives you the right to put other people down.

Couple final notes on inclusivity: It’s so simple but so often forgotten, LISTEN to folks with different viewpoints than you. If you don’t like how someone looks, keep it to yourself! I’ve been 100% guilty of some of these things I so adamantly against, about a decade ago I made the argument that a well-spoken skinny fit girl on TV is going to sell the community to the public better than Stanley from Taboo and that’s a pretty dick thing to say, rooted in my own arrogance. I used to not believe there were any cisgender women legitimately into this, a belief that came from my own insecurities. Up until I was 12 or so (1998 mind you) I was a legit budding racist, it’s something I was taught by friends and family but thankfully was able to unlearn. It’s important that we both hold people accountable as well as give them the opportunity to learn. People say bone-headed things sometimes, I believe in giving most people the benefit of the doubt.

With that said, some people just want to spread hate and find joy in doing so, and those people should be shouted down and disallowed from things like community forums and events. We as a community need to be proactive in encouraging and embracing marginalized folks in what is already a significantly marginalized group. We’re all in this together, it’s not White vs. Black, Men vs. Women, Straight vs. Gay, it’s People vs. Bigots, and if we all stand together we can truly make ABDL an acronym for everyone.

In Summary:

We are at the forefront of this thing called ABDL, with every post you’re writing the history of this community. As the world becomes more digital and isolated, more people are going to find their realities, their friendships, support groups and so on within the online ABDL community, and I want it to be a safe space for them. For some people, myself especially, this community and the folks within are the most important thing in their world.

There’s going to be new people in the community that may not understand Consent, we need to educate them. More underage people will try and engage in the conversation, we need to make sure to keep the wall of age up between individuals and minors. If someone saw that Neighbor Grooming post and was looking to prove ABDLs are pedo adjacent, they would have had a field day and honestly I wouldn’t be able to argue with them, especially because I saw more likes than comments. This is a world where everything is quantified, and the voices speaking against bad actors need to be much louder than the voices of the bad actors themselves. Because there will always will be people like Deeker or Neighbor Groomer, we just need to come together be better than those people, show the world what we will and won’t stand for.

So let’s embrace the good things about being ABDL! We need to raise up people in our community whose voices are not being heard and squash any bigotry or hatred you see. Hold people responsible for their actions especially if their actions come at the cost non-consenting people’s solidarity. I’ve given plenty of people plenty of reasons to dislike or debate me, that’s fine, but what I won’t accept is people hating me or others for who I am or for things I can’t control. I don’t expect this community to get together and sing Kumbaya all the time, there will be drama, but what we can’t accept is bigotry, illegal or non-consensual behavior. We can and must do better, and it’s going to take a long look in the mirror to make this a welcome place for everybody. It’d be nice to put on a diaper and know that i’m in the company of well-meaning people, I’ve been struggling with that lately. I thought i’d gotten over the shame of being ABDL, but this time it’s the people within the community that made me want to leave and not look back. I won’t of course, you’re stuck with me, I just needed to put pen to paper and hopefully help the community work some of the kinks out (pun intended).

Thank you for reading. If your reaction to this is anger or frustration at me for bringing these things to light then i’ve done my job. I’ve been a voice in this community for nearly 15 years now, and I felt it was necessary to have this talk. Things have gotten better since the days of the WetSet forums or early Adisc, but we still have a long way to go. I’m optimistic, I hope you are too.

Cheers to a better community and better lives as individuals for it. I love ya’ll and only want the best for everyone. Let’s make it happen, the change starts with you.

With Constant Vigilance,
Riley Kilo

4 thoughts on “4 Issues For A Better Community

  1. Hi. How are you? I totally agree with what you’re saying. What bothers me the most is a person’s age. While my interest in diapers go back long before I was an adult, I have no interest in diaper play or AB/DL play with anyone under 20 yrs of age.

    I love children, but not in a sexual way.

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