The Opposite of Loss

If you’ve been following my site over the years, you’ve seen the rollercoaster of drama that has been my life, adventure, travel and every possible aspect of clusterfuckery that one person could face. I have reached brilliant highs, faced the loneliest of lows and experienced various cream-filled middles. I’m probably healthier and happier at moment of writing then i’ve ever been, despite the abundance of new misery in the world.

I’m going to have to balance out my joy here, our emotions can be pendulums and we must be careful to swing too far in any direction. I’ve been talking to friends/family in California and holding my tongue about how happy I am to not be facing the wildfires and to have access to clean PA air. My heart goes out to anyone having troubles right now… i’ll try not to celebrate too much in this post, but allow me to share some recent joy with you!

Joy 1: Happy Bottom

I bought a big ol’ case of Pink Megamaxes! I have such a good diaper situation right now, daytimes and nighttimes and pull-ups and briefs and cloth and everything! I have a ton of reviews planned and so much cool stuff to share, and it seems there’s cool new brands coming out everyday. Exciting! I am 100% back to being a diaper girl, not 24/7 or anything, just very happy to be back in diapers so frequently 🙂

Joy 2: Kicked it in the Sun

I’ve come to peace with some stuff lately. There’s been some pain binding me up, some lingering toxicity, revenge plots, some real deep down nasty stuff that I have put in a cage and kicked into a volcano. I’m sure i’ll get flashes on some lonely night but I’ve had some revelations about what I’m spending my mental energy on. Removing this toxicity in my life kinda felt like deleting a game off your phone, it’s still there and I can revisit it whenever I want, but I’m not thinking about it everyday and it’s not wasting anymore of my time. While Hearthstone I could justify as a relaxing game, thinking about some of this old pain was a waste of processing power. I’m well aware of my past and have spent much of my life lamenting it, i’m over it, time to move forward.

Joy 3: Abstinence

I quit drinking 540 days ago, I quit smoking cigarettes last week. I’m going in with the same strength and confidence that I had with drinking and am 100% convinced that I am finished with that. I don’t express this often online, I never liked sharing that aspect of me because I never liked that aspect of me. But if you’ve met me IRL, I’ve always been a bit of a lush and usually have something lit between my fingers, I’ve always run with a tuff crowd, lived a tuff life in tuff places, so I developed a few prickly habits/addictions. Desperate measures for desperate people I suppose.

I can let the bad stuff go now, I have a grasp on my mental health, a safe space to live and some other good signs of a stable, productive life. It’s hard to do your taxes while skydiving, and I’ve been skydiving most of my adult life. I’m saving the stories of how bad I was for the tell-all memoir, but I was pretty damn bad. I smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish, and nothing about it was glamorous, cool or beneficial, it was just pain for pain’s sake. I’ve always wanted to quit and known the harm, I just continued to fail and fail and it hurt everytime. I “quit tomorrow” for nearly a decade. But this time it’s worked ❤ I also don’t judge anyone for any vices, I still imbibe pot but don’t find that particularly destructive, live your life. Some people can drink just fine, I can’t anymore so I don’t. We’re all on our own journeys ❤

Glad to be moving on. Not looking for advice or notes, I’ve got this! And I can’t express enough how much of a positive change this is, smoking was a daily reminder that I was a failure, that I lacked control, and it depressed the hell out of me on top of making me feel like garbage 24/7. I didn’t like to wear diapers etc while smoking, it sorta kept me in a perpetual pissy mood and just sapped my energy and will to live/create. You’ll notice the difference in my output, attitude, skin and in every aspect of my life. I haven’t had a single blinding migraine or “i’m about to die” chest pain this whole week, that alone has elevated my mood significantly. If you’ve never been a smoker you probably think I’m an irresponsible babby who’s over-exaggerating the negative effects, but if you were a serious smoker you know that juxtaposition of smoking 20+ “this makes me feel terrible and is killing me” sticks a day and paying a huge cost (in everyway) for the privilege. Makes you really think “what an asshole i’ve been” and once you have that perspective going back seems ridiculous. Freedom!

Joy 4: Video Games are cool

Video games are really amazing nowadays. I have always been interested in games but don’t often actually play them, but this year has been awesome, bought myself an Xbox and a friend bought me a Switch (thanks Lily <3) and have actually finished a couple games. I’d love to do some streaming sometime, have all the gear, just need to DO IT!

Joy 5: Platform

This platform, my YT, my name etc, is the most valuable asset I have. I’m so grateful to have someone listening and I want to do my due diligence to listen and respond back. Moving forward I’m going to be better about keeping in touch with people and organizations that are important to myself and the ABDL community. I get so many letters and plan to balance that with live chats, streaming, Chaturb8 etc. I have been hiding myself for so long, I’d love to go full E-Girl and share everything, not just the occasional ABDL video or big stack of porn.

I am so grateful to have this platform, some personal things have been holding me back for a looooong time and I’m damn serious about unshackling myself. This is probably the 860th time I’ve posted this “MY LIFE IS ABOUT TO GET BETTER JUST YOU WATCH” post, but i’m damn, damn damn certain that myself and the person reading this (you!) are wonderful people with a ton of potential. I’m primed and excited about entering a more legitimate, tempered portion of my life. Lots of exciting stuff coming soon ❤

Joy 5: Memory

I have one more very important note. A really wonderful person and member of the ABDL community RebeccaCuddles passed away recently, I’ve posted a video talking about Loss and dedicated it to her memory. Twitter and various other community sites have more information on them, but please be respectful of those mourning. Link to Video

The friends I’ve lost bring about smiles instead of tears when I revisit them in memory. I have seen those smiles appear all over the community for Rebecca, it’s the best anyone can ask for in life, to be remembered with a smile.

Last Joy: The Road to Joy

I’m going to be one irritable cuss over the next week or so, so I’m stepping away from social media, staying under the blankets for a couple days. Going to eat a bunch of food, play a bunch of video games, snuggle the bears and wear lots of diapers! Sounds like a wonderful way to transition into the colder weather. I’m going into caterpillar mode for a few days, keep your eyes out for a little diapered butterfly soon ❤

More thoughts and positive stuff sooooon! Thanks for listening, lots more soon, including photo-a-day stuff and great new reviews, commentary and all that good stuff! Big hugs from the bears and I!

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To a bright future ❤

Riley K.