A Year Enough For Love

Hey there friends! I was going to call this post “Urine Review” like “Year in Review” but that’s silly… this is just going to be a catch-all post about the last year and how I’m doing right now. I’m sitting here with a little bear in my lap, wrapped in a blankie, happy and healthy, so let’s chat!

Lots of life stuff so all the content warnings, but don’t worry, this is a relatively happy post!

A year ago I was just getting back from a trip to California, my Mom was in Chemo and my Dad just got in a car accident so despite the early stages of the virus, I was booked and left. It was a quick trip, no SF or LA, just popping in and out. I anticipated the virus getting worse and not flying for a while so I took the trip. My relatives (the 4 that I talk to) have a lot of baggage but we get along pretty well nowadays. They know all about me and my sites but it’s never expressly stated, like you’re discreetly talking about going to the Vet around a dog. For somebody who’s lived so many lives, glad I still have a some older friends around. Been keeping in touch with friends again too, feels good, this last year and recent hospital stuff really put things into perspective, especially how much we need each other.

I came back from California and everything shut down a day later. It’s unfathomable to me that I was walking around an airport maskless a year ago. I had some soggy McDonalds on the way home and that’s the last time i’ve had fast food, if it’s the last time ever i’ll be fine with that. I’ve ordered out to local places maybe a dozen times since then, I have a close friend who is immunocompromised and my lungs have taken alot of abuse so I’ve been SUPER careful, no crowded places, no gloryholes, no orgies, no fun at all. I do my grocery shopping in the dead of night, when I thrift I’m there as soon as they open, wear layered masks, social distance politely and diligently. I think I’ve found a good balance of being protective while not getting too obsessive or paranoid about it, though I’m much more cautious than most locals. I’ll save my “I’m clinically paranoid of diseases” speech, you’ve heard it, i’m just proud of myself for not spending this year curled up in a ball.

CW: Addiction, Strange or Otherwise

This has quite possibly been the best year of my life. I haven’t gone anywhere or done anything, no huge successes or memorable moments, just consistent self-care and positive progress. In April i’ll be 2 years alcohol free, I can not overstate how much of a life saving, big deal this is. I hid my alchoholism from the internet and many people in my life, only a few saw past the facade to the really messed up, foot-in-the-grave girl. I hid myself from my friends, things got really dark, but I’m recovering well and i’m doing great, i’m confident and absolute in my decision.

Amazingly, I also quit smoking during the pandemic, 175 days now, another decade+ long struggle that was really messing me up. The fact that I worked the polls of the 2020 election right after quitting, feels like I climbed Everest naked. Not because it was painful, but because I consistently want to brag about it. I think the most important thing about recovery is just knowing yourself, your triggers, your bad habits and identifying that “Hey lets goto the store and kill ourselves” instinct. I’ve done well to treat myself gently, not hold myself to really high standards, which leads to depression and doubt. Constantly reminding myself to not worry so darn much. Que Sera Sera ~

This part of my journey has been super-personal and private, have you ever seen a picture of me smoking or drinking? I’ve tried to be very careful about how I represent myself, to my detriment sometimes I think. But for now it’s my personal thing, I bring it up now and then to remind ya’ll i’m A-OK ❤ When I’m ready to talk about it, I will in a big way. I could easily write a real version of A Million Little Pieces, but I’m not ready to turn over and express my soft belly yet. That brings me to my next point…

Trans/Philosophy Jam

My mantra lately has been “Time Enough For Love”, or “A thing worth doing is worth doing right”. I’ve been holding my tongue on some issues, doing a lot of thinking and writing and learning. Some things demand urgency for sure, but there’s so much REACTING in the world, i’ve been focusing on is understanding things. I have some commentary content coming out soon (Reflecting on the 4 Issues) as well as some non-ABDL Vlogging about sex and social issues. It’s taken me a while, but i’m starting to get some clarity and the burning urge to join the conversation is significant… but i’m being careful, staying in my lane and taking it easy on myself. Internet conversations can make me super-upset if I let them, so I need to be careful and not over emotionally exert.

Hormones are going great, started taking Finesteride for hair growth because i’m gettin’ old, chest is growing well, feeling and looking mostly great. I still get the migraines and occasional internalized transphobia, doubts etc, I get confused as a sex worker because I spend just so much time glamorizing my parts, I wonder if I could be happy without the hormones, but I know my medical transition is about more than just having an erection or not, it’s about balancing my neurology, being happy in my body and a milllion other things. I’ll always be me with my own complex understanding of gender and cute pink presentation, but hormones and possibly surgery has always been a conversation in my head, as mainly I just really dislike/fear taking prescriptions and having surgery etc. But the quality of life improvement vastly outweighs the downsides, so again, I am confident in my path and don’t anticipate any straying, the hormones are working.

I’m losing my constant erections which makes me happy, I’m no less horny, just more balanced. It’s going to be interesting to see where my StayKinky content goes as my body changes… I’m well past sacrificing my well being to maintain performance. I tried it and it made me miserable, but I was young and dumb and full of etc.

As someone who has been on/off hormones multiple times, I 100% know I am better off with them than without them. I have been hard for too long, had to be tough and aggressive with my dukes up and pistols drawn, knowing very well I have a soft, gentle, loving inside. Yet what we do is who we are and nowadays i’m focusing more on a kind/gentle everything, not just a soft inside with a barb-wire outside. With that said, I’m usually a peaceful person, just tend to be hard on myself if I speak up. Kinda related, I’ll be talking about my experience with speech therapy as child, a recent revelation that I think explained some things about me.

Work it Gurl

Another mantra is “Busy Does Not Have To Mean Stressed”. I have had a super busy year, running StayKinky has been huge, I work 12 hours a day, from posting to filming to correspondence to maintenance to bookkeeping to jizzmopping, i’m a one woman film crew and i’m getting paid for it. People are buying and loving my content, I’ve put out a new weekly video for the last 6+ months and have been making some really innovative content.

Huge shoutout and thanks to my supporters, donators, muses, friends… you are all amazing and loved by this little girl ❤

On top of that, I’m still involved in politics/advocacy, worked the polls for the wildest election yet, helped in part to start a local NAACP chapter, participated in protests for equality, justice and peace, I’ve been active as I can be while also considering my own well-bein. That’s something i’ve forgotten to care about in the past while pursuing “A Better Tomorrow”. The last 35 years have burned my candle down pretty low, i’m trying to balance what I have left and maybe get some of that wax back. I have to take life at my own pace and not pay so much attention to the ominous ticking clock that hangs above us all.

A Final Thought On Danger

This has been eating at me for a little while, I don’t like to talk about it but it’s something that’s become more pronounced in the last year…. Icky stuff ahead.

Please, take a moment to consider the risk I put myself in for being a front facing transperson and ABDL. There’s some harmful misconceptions out there and being public can have some ramifications. I’ve had stalkers and I deal with daily nonsense, all of which I can handle, I’m safe and practical and have lots of systems in check to protect myself. But as the world gets more extreme and divisive there always risk in representing a target of the “culture wars”. And of course the people within the community who either don’t understand boundaries or dislike me for whatever reason (usually trans or anti-sex work hate).

It’s all good, I’m tough, there’s just so much orchestrated hate nowadays, I’m ducking and dodging more than usual. I spend so much time just taking down fake accounts and trying to protect my IP. I’m winning mostly but the kind of nonsense and horror I experience on the regs would melt most peoples brains… If the people who call me a terrible person did 1/100th the amount of reporting illegal/terrible content that I do, there wouldn’t be a shred of that stuff on the internet.

Simply, being Riley Kilo isn’t easy, but it’s worth it to share my story and maybe bring some comfort to other ABDL folks. I’m safe, just know that to be the cute cuddly girl you see in the videos I have to be a tough as hell and unfuckwithable at other times. You’re awesome if you’re here, and the opposition makes me treasure my friends and allies even more, I know the people reading this are not the bad folks, you’re the best 😛

Thanks for reading!

New Video coming super soon, I have whiteboards and i’m trying to stay organized, i’m doin’ it, but it’s an uphill battle 🙂 Most folks only see a percentage of my output, last year I started weekly StayKinky, this year I started weekly StayDiapered i’m getting in the groove. Even with things like a week with my friend in the hospital or the inevitable bouts of sickness or lethargy, I’m setup, I’ve got content in the bank and every opportunity to make more!

Great things ahead, thanks for all the support ❤ It’s a lot of work, it can be dangerous, but it’s my passion and I love it and i’m so, so happy that my full-time job is making content, to do this site and the things that are so important to me 🙂 Yay! This girl is doing well ❤ Hugs and hugs! More soon ❤

One thought on “A Year Enough For Love

  1. Love the way you spin around and give yourself light pats on your butt. Your smiles are so bubbly. Keep on making your wonderful videos. You always on my mind so you might get a little tired. Stay Safe sweetie

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