1000 Days

This is a big one so all the Content Warnings. But this post WILL make you smile (eventually), so please read on ❀ ~

I also made a audio clip where I read the post ~ All the emotional warnings…

Today is 1000 Days since I last drank alcohol.

3 Winters ago I was dying. The slow attempt to end my life that started in my late teens was meeting its natural conclusion. I was sick, anti-social, filled with fear and regrets about my life and my choices. I was angry at the world but more angry at myself that I was throwing my life away and letting everyone around me down. I know there’s something special about me, something others have noticed too. It’s a special kind of spark that could brighten other’s lives but also a special kind of pain that lives deep inside me, the kind of pain comedians and transpeople have, an incongruency. My world has never spun the full 360 degrees, my rotation is off kilter and people notice that too. I suppose everyone feels this way, though I’ve acted on it by living a very unique, wild and adventurous life.

It’s 3 years later and I’m fit, healthy and successfully managing my mental health. I’m still a bit of a mess I admit, I think for a long time I was trying to cure myself when in reality you just learn to manage. Some trauma never heals, some debts can’t be repaid, some losses are never recovered, you just deal with it and keep living. Surviving. My wrists are always going to hurt when it gets cold and i’m never going to stop being sad about Emma… but what am I going to do, spend all day worrying about stuff I can’t change? I have a life to live, bears to snuggle!

I still strike my own path and take risks, I have put myself well out of the mainstream by now and that lends to challenges… My life will never be free of hardships and loss, we just (ideally) get better at dealing with reality, with mortality and pain, you face it and focus on what matters, instead of masking it with toughness or by blurring your senses. I built some serious walls in my life and while they’re never gonna come down, I can work on building doors.

Nothing about ME has changed since I stopped drinking, I just stopped being such a self-destructive asshole. Alcohol enabled me to be a bad person, I’m still apologizing to strangers for things I did a decade ago at some con… The one saving grace of my alcoholism was that I isolated myself. It was probably worse for me and my recovery but at least I hurt the least amount of people, I have always tried to maintain a “Do No Harm” mentality in my life so I removed myself from other peoples lives, I was a disaster and being my friend was a terminal condition.. Alcohol gave me the capacity to reenact the emotional abuse I grew up with, but as the 3rd/4th/who knows generation of abused folk, I refused to keep the cycle going. Instead of blaming and/or becoming my alcoholic stepdad, I wanted to cut the ouroboros in half.

Some text on this theme I published anonymously a while back about the cycles of abuse… Link to Text

So to end the cycle of abuse, I hid. Most everyone I loved was dead or as messed up as me, I didn’t feel anyone would miss me. I stopped taking hormones and making art and my life became the pursuit of sleep. I had a shitty job and was drinking a 12 pack of light beer a day, I was constantly sloshed. I had been a “functioning” alcoholic since my teens/early 20s and have a long history of all the drugs, I won’t get into it but I was a little psychonaut for a while and if it’s on the Code or from a little black satchel I came across it at some point. Luckily I think my common sense is the only thing that let me survive, I managed to do some very stupid things in a somewhat safe way, and stopped doing the really bad illegal stuff a long time ago. It was the hiding that scared me the most, I never underestimate what’s going on behind people’s eyes, you never know who’s at their breaking point.

My charisma has relieved me of some accountability in my life and I’d like to think i’m a smart person who just does dumb things. I’ve lost close friends to ODs, accidents, violence, jail, cancer, suicide… I have a lot of weight to carry, a lot of guilt for lines jotted or drinks poured. As my friends group shrunk and the person I loved most passed away, my career and work started to fall apart and I fell really hard, I moved out of LA and threw my career in a blender and mixed it up with whatever came in a plastic bottle. If I’d have stayed in LA any longer I would not have made it out, there’s less little black satchels out here.

I became a self-hating robot who ran on nicotine, alcohol and granola bars. I was the worst kind of silent alcoholic, I’m sure I was occasionally suffering from Alcohol Poisoning, just no one knew or cared enough to take me to the hospital. Yet I was always trying to get better, I spent a decade in a cycle of “today’s the last day”, which led to constant over-consumption etc, constant disappointment. How many posts on this blog are “THINGS HAVE BEEN BAD BUT THEY SURE ARE LOOKING UP!”? Including this one. I had plenty of moments of clarity followed by staring right back into the abyss.

That cycle of failure was exhausting, everyday I was reminded I was hopeless, out-of-control, chained. It consumed everything with money being the least of it, my whole life revolved around that next tall can of Bud Light. And I know getting drunk on light beer sounds silly but that’s alcoholism, it’s not drinking to get drunk, it’s drinking to blur the world and a constant drips needed to keep things glossy, lest you have to face reality… Reality is the hour in morning before you start again, the one you spend shivering on the bathroom floor.

But again, I won’t get into the dirty details… see Malkovich in “Burn After Reading” for the best representation of silent alcoholism on screen imo, read Alan Carr and get professional help if you’re able. Listen to Paul Baribeau. I’m not far enough away from it that I have any solid advice on quitting or feel comfortable even talking about it. It’s all still pretty fresh and someday I hope to help empower other people in recovery but I need to let my wounds heal first. Diff strokes for Diff folks too, I quit cold turkey because that’s me and how i’ve quit other things. I have experience white knuckling withdrawals and counseling/AA/NA etc just isn’t for me, I have trouble relating. But with that said, experimenting with those things did help me on my path, so give everything a chance.

I weaned myself off alcohol over 4-ish months knowing that quitting alcohol cold turkey and DT’s can be very unsafe. I didn’t want to goto a hospital for reasons…. And I never stopped being an alcoholic, I just quit drinking. I plan to hold constant vigilance even 50 years in, I have zero temptation and don’t feel at risk etc, but I know I could be right back to where I was if I don’t keep that mindfulness that lead me to getting off alcohol. Though I am confident that even if I was trapped in a bunker full of liquor, I’d not crack bottle one. I like who I am without it. And not once have I felt like I wanted to go back to drinking or even do it “just this one time”. I’ve escaped it and the euphoria from that achievement is my preferred intoxicant.

My stop was planned, I was tired of waiting for some massive event, likely be my death or a stroke/heart attack, to be the thing that finally makes me quit. I worked through it, I was a complete zombie for months… it’s interesting to go back and read my posts from that time, reaffirms how good I was at “faking it”. I don’t think I even mention quitting in those posts, I’m sure you’ve read a post of mine at some point and thought “that girl is dying inside”. Not really the emotions I want to evoke, but it’s been true. I guess I don’t mention it much because I was tired of telling people I was quitting, you hear that so many times and you lose faith in the person and in turn the person loses faith in themselves. It was something I needed to do, and thankfully I had some wonderful people in my life and online cheering me on. Thanks friends ❀

About 8 months after quitting I started my StayKinky site, started to get back into making videos and things have gotten good. My last big hurdle was quitting nicotine which I did over 2 months ago ❀

“I’ve been let down by the people that I love, but I will not let down the people who love me.”

It’s the edge of 2021 now and i’m happier and healthier than i’ve ever been, legitimately.

Short Little Life Story: Growing up my mom took in old or sick dogs and give them end of life care, my childhood was a series of dead dogs. I was a sad kid, I was small and bullied until my teens and once I started to get some confidence, I face exploitation. My parents got divorced at 7, was a computer wiz kid until a bully shattered my wrists, had an abusive stepdad from 7-17 then never saw him again, was in love/groomed by a 40 year old at age 14 until I became an adult and realized how wrong the whole thing was, completely lost interest in mainstream acting or mainstream anything because it’s all about control and exploitation, learned to not trust people who seek power over others. My life has seen so much cruelty that I won’t even touch on here, the fact that I can be this positive and self-actualized and not a quivering mass of fear and pain is incredible. I’m glad I made it through. END

One of my best mates from those Wild Years is getting married soon and I’m going to the wedding out West, we’ll both be years clean. He’s got a wonderful FiancΓ©e and didn’t stop being the great guy I knew all those years. The idea that these two hopeless dope fiends grew up to be dopeless hope fiends is not something I would have guessed at 22. I won’t speak for him, but I’m certainly happier than I could have ever imagined back then. It’s a cliche, but neither of us thought we’d live past 27 and were trying to self-fulfill that prophecy, bottle by bottle. But here we are in our 30’s in 2022, with VR and everyone’s got Tricorders, and we’re both looking and feeling great with big happy futures ahead of us. It’s incredible, we fuckin’ made it.

I wasn’t really in the mood to write something so introspective today, I feel like chasing a golden retriever around or doing some fun editing stuff, but I wouldn’t have gotten 1000 days in if I didn’t make myself sit down and think about stuff now and then. I’m too excitable to meditate, so I write. This blog saved my life, the process of telling my story (even if it’s a sanitized version) has really helped me put things into perspective, helped me heal. Thanks to everyone who’s supported me, cheered me on, and encouraged me to be my best self. I’m still around and want to make my friends and fans proud πŸ™‚

Thanks for reading. I’m not much of a crier but I’ve got a tear running down my cheek thinking about where i’ve been and where I can go. I’m so glad to be alive and want to make you all proud of me πŸ™‚ Thanks for everything πŸ™‚

Cool Cool Cuddles and Warm Warm Wishes!

Hey there friends! New video and some snuggly pics on this chilly Winter Solstice! Hope everyone has a warm stuffy looking out for them ❀

Won’t get too mushy but I want to send sincere thanks to everyone who’s shared a kind word or comment over the years, I’m healthy, happy and have the least amount of life woes than I ever have, all the hardships in life have lead me to my current life of smiley safety. I’m writing this with a little stuffed monkey under my arm, a nice warm song on the record player and optimistic thoughts of the future.

I appreciate the help keeping me motivated and reminded that we all have good inside us. I’ve learned that despite a lifetime of hardships we can find peace in ourselves and goodness in our lives, to have hope and a future. Happy thoughts, thanks for showing me so much kindness <3<3

Ok, monkey says its time to show off my cute dress and diaper! Here’s my newest video and some cute pics too! Hope everyone has a wonderful winter solstice and lots more video coming soon!

Happy Holidays & Stay Diapered!

Holiday Holdover

New video coming sooooon!!! Here’s a bunch of cutesy pics for the moment πŸ™‚ I wore my double stuffed cloth diapers (the Sigzagor Diapers from This Video) on a little holiday outing, i’ve been getting into clothies, good for cold, cold winters!

Really excited about the new video I made today in one of my cutest, fluffiest leotards! Starting to get really creative with the green screen stuff πŸ™‚ Look forward to that before xmas and a new cute post sooooon! Hope everyone’s smiley and warm <3<3 Hugs!

Peetown pt. 6 – Just a Bunch of Pics

Hey there friends! Busy holiday girl, got my booster and feeling fine, crazy storms here, lots of filming and editing and fun stuff! Been a little gamer girl too, got the new “Pocket Monsters: Fancy Stone” and finished the heartbreaking but incredible PS4 Game “There Sure Aren’t Many of Us Around: Part 2”. I really, really think game streaming will be a super fun thing and I have been overthinking it too long! I have done it a number of times but haven’t really advertised and need to just make it a consistent thing, sounds like a nice way to hangout with other snuggly folks!

So i’ve been working on that among all the other projects I have going on πŸ™‚ Things are good and exciting here, feeling happy and healthy and excited to make more stuff! Not enough hours in the day πŸ™‚

I’ve really lost the thread on these “Peetown” posts, they were supposed to be mostly about Provincetown and I haven’t even posted all the super duper cute video I made there like, 2 months ago… I still plan on making those Size 7 Videos despite it being the Bicentennial of me announcing those πŸ˜› Lobster Bucket Post coming soon too!

So my soggy little butt is going to just put up some super adorable pics and get back to editing and posting and all that! Also my Clips are now for sale on C4S, lots of great videos on there!

Lots of diapered adventures!!! Just some random pics from around town and the Nautical Shop where I found so many adorable onesies and outfits! Lots of M4s and soggy butts!

Happy thoughts friends, new post coming sooooooon!!!

Peetown Pt. 5: EmBearassed

A few quick things to drop off on the internet today! But first, be sure to check out my Twitter to see some fun new pics and observations and little videos like this!

I have some really snuggly Provincetown pics to share today, just random romping around town in my extra thick diapers <3<3

I’ve settled in, become really used to being “the girl with the soggy diapers”. The feeling of having a diaper wrapped around my waist and the comfort of padding between my legs, softly replacing my girlparts, it’s the right way to be for me πŸ™‚ Feeling the wetness of my diapers at random intervals, just carelessly filling my diapers at a moments notice, feeling them get heavier and heavier throughout the day, so i’m often idly pulling up my tights and have the constant hesitance that my diaper is hanging below my skirt, despite being sure it’s not.

“Submission to the machinations of the world” is an ominous sounding phrase that’s been running through my head lately, and I feel that’s what my diaper wearing is. It’s not dependent on a partner or scenario, it’s personal, humbling, a means of checking humility… I can certainly be accused of acting too “big for my britches” or seriously or sternly sometimes, and it reminds me that I have this sweetness and littleness to me. It’s an old nugget, but my diapers help me be a better adult by adding some littleness to my daily life πŸ™‚

Back to the saggy fun: I reiterate that Ptown is a unique place where you can be flagrant in ways that you can maybe only pull off at Castro/Folsom St and maybe Miami Beach or Christopher Street, and even then I wouldn’t just walk around in a diaper… little flashes for pics sure, but I’m not an exhibitionist nor would I feel comfortable/appropriate to just walk around in a diaper. So I did indulge, i’d go get my friend coffee in my saggy diapers and cute pink sweatpants, I’d wear cute skirts and tights and not worry about crinkles or bulges, just a happy diaper girl. Isolation got me a little agoraphobic I guess, I forget how much nobody cares and how everybody minds their business. And if they don’t, they should and i’ll remind them to, especially if they’re getting in my or my friends biz.

Someone said about getting older as a woman, you’re just ignored more, dismissed more, people tend to pay more attention to the effervescence of youth. I can see an upside to that, I’m ostensibly cuter and dress more provocatively than a lot of girls around my town so I get honks and leers, but the older I get the less so. I’d like to think it’s society respecting women more, but it’s more likely my crows feet… and that’s good, I never really wanted to randomly fuck strangers or construction workers anyway. Plus I like the idea of some guy looking at my Yoga pants expecting to see a nice natural butt curve but instead they see that signature saggy padded bottom illustrated below…

I’m not about to let anyone tell me what my ass is supposed to look like πŸ˜› Anywhere else I would probably wear a thicker pair of tights and keep my long shirt pulled down, I often wear a little skirt or shorts over my tights to cover the bulge… but I can also bulge if I want to πŸ˜› I see these comments of people being so anxious about noises or bulges, I could understand if you were a figure skater or working in close proximity to folks, but most people aren’t paying attention and certainly aren’t doing Ocular Patdowns for diapers. Except me of course πŸ˜›

I have been writing on the topic of insignificance and ephemerality lately as a point of freedom and self-awareness, but that’s not really ready to be premiered, saying “nobody cares about you” and making it sound like a positive thing is hard. I’ve been pushing the idea of “Sunny Side-Up Nihilism” for a long time but have yet to write a proper manifesto… might be a good time here in the dark of winter πŸ™‚

So that’s that, I’m writing here in a soggy Molicare Small, going to have a shower and change into an M4 because I have some shopping to do, will probably come home with a full diaper and start the whole process again ❀ It’s the routine that really brings the joy, in Provincetown it was in one diaper and out the other and I’ve found myself staying pretty consistently diapered since coming back, if i’m ever out of the house i’m in diapers!

So have a wonderful day, more video soon, thanks for reading friends!!! And as always, StayDiapered!!!

(And Bucketlist post and Video coming sooooon!)