37 More

Hi there friends, this is Riley with some thoughts about life, love & our place in the world. Here we go 🙂 🙂

I turn 37 years old today, such a prime age to be. I just woke up, grabbed my bunny and my raccoon and gave them lots of hugs. They wished me happy birthday (in my voice) as I got up and slid in to my computer chair, turning on my little heater and comforting myself in my big musky comforter. I turn on my headphones and queue a Mountain Goats song, I’m still riding the high from that concert. I’m in a good mental health space, just a little sad, and wanted to work through some things this morning with my therapist, the page.

And then I write the words, “I’m feeling really…”

(Couple Sad Paragraphs Ahead)

I’m feeling really isolated. I put a ton of time and work into making stuff for the “ABDL community” and I realize that concept is really ridiculous. There is no ABDL community because there’s no cohesion, no standards, and i’m done pretending there is. I thought making ethical, well-produced content was the key, but it’s not. It seems the majority of people want self-aggrandizing behaviour, they want mixed-age spaces and stolen content. The only way you can get canceled in the trans, kink or ABDL community is by going against the status quo, and the status quo is rotten. So I have to stop caring for my own mental health.

People yell “Ethics! No Abusers! No Minors!” and the second you give them something to do about it, they clam up. A few weeks ago when everyone dogpiled on me for daring to question those Two Kink “Leaders” really broke me, it was clear how many people within my community were just waiting to badmouth me as soon as they could, and then clam up when confronted about it. Why continue caring or trying to fit in when these folks so clearly don’t want me around?

I was never one to fit in. I am not a conformist, I don’t jump onto popular topics and I create my worldview as organically as possible, I have never assigned myself to a single group or ethos, I’m non-dogmatic. The “Popular” people hate that, they are pro-trans until the transwomen use their voices, they are pro-kink until the kink isn’t fashionable, it’s a facade, and I’ve never played it. I’ve never wanted to be popular or make a ton of money, I just want to make art and make people, myself included, feel better about themselves.

I no longer consider myself part of the larger “ABDL Community” because they clearly don’t want or need me. I have my site and my Youtube, will keep making things i’m passionate about, but any feeling of having a community or feeling welcome in ABDL is gone. I won’t name names, but after trying to be friendly or welcoming to folks I keep getting slapped in the face, people I thought were friends or allies.

That makes me sad, but as my friend said “You shouldn’t hang around people who just make you feel bad”, and the whole Twitter/Insta/Reddit ABDL is no longer a place for me. It’s just the same high school asshole behaviour i’ve hated my whole life, and i’m better for it. Whatever drop-off in viewership I have, it’s not worth spending one more second of my life with these people. And while I have friends there, my relationship rule is “When The Lows Are So Extreme That The Good Feels Fcking Cheap” it’s time to leave that space or person.

And finally, I have issues with loss, trust, bullying etc, I don’t make friends easily and don’t open up easily, so when people go out of their way to hurt me, or to break trust, or to dispose of me, then it really hurts, it boils the blood and encompasses my thoughts, it brings up a lifetime of “Why am I so broken? & There must be a good reason why everyone is mean to me…” thoughts. I know i’m talented and beautiful and strong but these places make me feel broken, ugly & weak, so I must leave.

(Mostly Positive from here on)

And so I have legitimately left Twitter, I know I have cried wolf before, but I’m done, for good. Going to share my blogposts there automatically but that’s all.

I’m reformatting. Transcaping.com/Transcaping YT is going to be for all my cultural complaining & pop culture stuff and my ABDL spaces will focus on being little, joy and profit, because i’m tired of publishing free content out of some vague hope i’ll be rewarded for it, either financially or by making the world safer for ABDL folks. All this internet drama is just sapping my joy, going to focus on creating good media for good folks & let the bullies have their social media. I’m tired of being an altruist in a community of cutthroat capitalists.

So i’ve got that off my chest. I really have an amazing life with so much joy and opportunity. this has been an incredibly challenging year so far, my friend was down for heart stuff and then my Orchiectomy trials on top of all the other stuff going on, but I am as optimistic as ever about my future, I am so excited about the things happening this year, so much travel, seeing bands, friends, last year started some big things and this year they come to fruition. I really am living the good life, need to stop climbing into the sewers or as one person put it “Eating Big Rocks just to show us how inedible they are”.

So now that i’ve listened to a bunch of good music this morning and ate my Luna Bar, I’m going to go give my friend a big hug and snuggle up in bed with them and the bears, I’m going to make some Kobe Beef Cheese Burgers later and probably just goof off and watch TV shows about Airport Security and play video games and just live my life. Maybe i’ll make a little video about my birthday to share smiles with the world.

I miss wearing diapers. I’m still healing, and it’s been over a month since being in diapers… I am doing ok, but the dark corners of ABDL are really illuminated without the fog of diapers, the powder dust etc. I look forward to snuggling up with my diapers sooooon, the scar is healing well and while the hematoma is still prominent and kinda painful, it’s mostly an afterthought. Glad I got it done, glad it’s healing, still makes me sad tho, still kinda looks & feels like I have testicles until the healing finishes which I was not expecting this long after the surgery. I’m not “Depressed” yet, but I’m sad.

So i’m going to spend the day not being sad. I’ve spent the last 37 Years with the wrong genitals, I spent alot of it in the gutter or dead-end customer service spaces, but I have everything in the world ahead of me. I could be doing great things, instead i’m spending days making free videos for a community who (mostly) won’t lift a finger to support me, and that makes me feel foolish, so I’m done.

Thanks to everyone who still watches this space, I want to spend the next 37 Years being the best little Riley I can be, and social media just turns me & everyone else into self-absorbed assholes so I gotta go. I’ve always believed in “Effect your Local Community, Be The Best You To Change The World” and while I am involved in local politics, trying to change the ABDL community for the better is a lost cause. I can just try to share joy & empower my friends (including you, the person reading this) and leave all the profiteers, fake allies & bullies to their social media cesspools.

Thanks for listening, my life is full of joy, i’m going to go wrap myself up in it instead of dealing with all the “popular kids” & trolls trying to dim my light.

Be well friends, and new post tomorrow with a really cute Birthday Card in it!!!