37 More

Hi there friends, this is Riley with some thoughts about life, love & our place in the world. Here we go 🙂 🙂

I turn 37 years old today, such a prime age to be. I just woke up, grabbed my bunny and my raccoon and gave them lots of hugs. They wished me happy birthday (in my voice) as I got up and slid in to my computer chair, turning on my little heater and comforting myself in my big musky comforter. I turn on my headphones and queue a Mountain Goats song, I’m still riding the high from that concert. I’m in a good mental health space, just a little sad, and wanted to work through some things this morning with my therapist, the page.

And then I write the words, “I’m feeling really…”

(Couple Sad Paragraphs Ahead)

I’m feeling really isolated. I put a ton of time and work into making stuff for the “ABDL community” and I realize that concept is really ridiculous. There is no ABDL community because there’s no cohesion, no standards, and i’m done pretending there is. I thought making ethical, well-produced content was the key, but it’s not. It seems the majority of people want self-aggrandizing behaviour, they want mixed-age spaces and stolen content. The only way you can get canceled in the trans, kink or ABDL community is by going against the status quo, and the status quo is rotten. So I have to stop caring for my own mental health.

People yell “Ethics! No Abusers! No Minors!” and the second you give them something to do about it, they clam up. A few weeks ago when everyone dogpiled on me for daring to question those Two Kink “Leaders” really broke me, it was clear how many people within my community were just waiting to badmouth me as soon as they could, and then clam up when confronted about it. Why continue caring or trying to fit in when these folks so clearly don’t want me around?

I was never one to fit in. I am not a conformist, I don’t jump onto popular topics and I create my worldview as organically as possible, I have never assigned myself to a single group or ethos, I’m non-dogmatic. The “Popular” people hate that, they are pro-trans until the transwomen use their voices, they are pro-kink until the kink isn’t fashionable, it’s a facade, and I’ve never played it. I’ve never wanted to be popular or make a ton of money, I just want to make art and make people, myself included, feel better about themselves.

I no longer consider myself part of the larger “ABDL Community” because they clearly don’t want or need me. I have my site and my Youtube, will keep making things i’m passionate about, but any feeling of having a community or feeling welcome in ABDL is gone. I won’t name names, but after trying to be friendly or welcoming to folks I keep getting slapped in the face, people I thought were friends or allies.

That makes me sad, but as my friend said “You shouldn’t hang around people who just make you feel bad”, and the whole Twitter/Insta/Reddit ABDL is no longer a place for me. It’s just the same high school asshole behaviour i’ve hated my whole life, and i’m better for it. Whatever drop-off in viewership I have, it’s not worth spending one more second of my life with these people. And while I have friends there, my relationship rule is “When The Lows Are So Extreme That The Good Feels Fcking Cheap” it’s time to leave that space or person.

And finally, I have issues with loss, trust, bullying etc, I don’t make friends easily and don’t open up easily, so when people go out of their way to hurt me, or to break trust, or to dispose of me, then it really hurts, it boils the blood and encompasses my thoughts, it brings up a lifetime of “Why am I so broken? & There must be a good reason why everyone is mean to me…” thoughts. I know i’m talented and beautiful and strong but these places make me feel broken, ugly & weak, so I must leave.

(Mostly Positive from here on)

And so I have legitimately left Twitter, I know I have cried wolf before, but I’m done, for good. Going to share my blogposts there automatically but that’s all.

I’m reformatting. Transcaping.com/Transcaping YT is going to be for all my cultural complaining & pop culture stuff and my ABDL spaces will focus on being little, joy and profit, because i’m tired of publishing free content out of some vague hope i’ll be rewarded for it, either financially or by making the world safer for ABDL folks. All this internet drama is just sapping my joy, going to focus on creating good media for good folks & let the bullies have their social media. I’m tired of being an altruist in a community of cutthroat capitalists.

So i’ve got that off my chest. I really have an amazing life with so much joy and opportunity. this has been an incredibly challenging year so far, my friend was down for heart stuff and then my Orchiectomy trials on top of all the other stuff going on, but I am as optimistic as ever about my future, I am so excited about the things happening this year, so much travel, seeing bands, friends, last year started some big things and this year they come to fruition. I really am living the good life, need to stop climbing into the sewers or as one person put it “Eating Big Rocks just to show us how inedible they are”.

So now that i’ve listened to a bunch of good music this morning and ate my Luna Bar, I’m going to go give my friend a big hug and snuggle up in bed with them and the bears, I’m going to make some Kobe Beef Cheese Burgers later and probably just goof off and watch TV shows about Airport Security and play video games and just live my life. Maybe i’ll make a little video about my birthday to share smiles with the world.

I miss wearing diapers. I’m still healing, and it’s been over a month since being in diapers… I am doing ok, but the dark corners of ABDL are really illuminated without the fog of diapers, the powder dust etc. I look forward to snuggling up with my diapers sooooon, the scar is healing well and while the hematoma is still prominent and kinda painful, it’s mostly an afterthought. Glad I got it done, glad it’s healing, still makes me sad tho, still kinda looks & feels like I have testicles until the healing finishes which I was not expecting this long after the surgery. I’m not “Depressed” yet, but I’m sad.

So i’m going to spend the day not being sad. I’ve spent the last 37 Years with the wrong genitals, I spent alot of it in the gutter or dead-end customer service spaces, but I have everything in the world ahead of me. I could be doing great things, instead i’m spending days making free videos for a community who (mostly) won’t lift a finger to support me, and that makes me feel foolish, so I’m done.

Thanks to everyone who still watches this space, I want to spend the next 37 Years being the best little Riley I can be, and social media just turns me & everyone else into self-absorbed assholes so I gotta go. I’ve always believed in “Effect your Local Community, Be The Best You To Change The World” and while I am involved in local politics, trying to change the ABDL community for the better is a lost cause. I can just try to share joy & empower my friends (including you, the person reading this) and leave all the profiteers, fake allies & bullies to their social media cesspools.

Thanks for listening, my life is full of joy, i’m going to go wrap myself up in it instead of dealing with all the “popular kids” & trolls trying to dim my light.

Be well friends, and new post tomorrow with a really cute Birthday Card in it!!!

11 thoughts on “37 More

  1. While I am sad about the things going on with you that aren’t going great, I AM glad and happy for the things that ARE going well, and getting better for and with you. I am also VERY glad and happy that you are celebrating yet another happy and hopefully joyous 37th birthday. I wish I could meet you and give you a very happy and heartfelt hug, so as to make you melt away in a sea of warmth and comfort, and satisfaction, love and joy.
    Take care, and be happy, and be filled with the love and respect you need, want, and desire.

  2. Happy birthday Riley! It sounded in your last post that you were making progress and getting happier but it looks like you still have some mental splinters in your mind you need to get rid of. I hope you get there soon. Have fun the rest of the day.

    • Someone told me that progress is not a straight line, and the process of getting over things for me sometimes takes time, backs and forths.

      Tomorrow’s post will be filled with joy I can assure you. I just needed to push out the bad to make room for the good 🙂

  3. Happy birthday, Riley.

    Thank you for trying. Yours is a name and face that I’ve seen in this ‘community’ for a long time, and I’ve always equated it with fairness and starting the good conversations that nobody else was. The ‘community’ needs more people like you, honestly. And that there aren’t only reaffirms my suspicions that there really isn’t a ‘community’ at all anymore.

    “Living well is the best revenge.” Etc. Etc. Etc. I for one, am looking forward to seeing what you do and create next. May the naysayers never find their own happiness while being stuck so deep in their echo chambers.

  4. To my beautiful friend and smartest girl I know I wish you the best of the best on your birthday full of love and happiness, thank you for taking me on your journey, I follow because I care about you and personally very good at what you do for me sexy video wise, anyhoo I wish you well with a full recovery and many more blessings to come. Love Thomas 💪🌻🎂🎈🍒

  5. Doing what’s best for your mental health is definitely the most important. I’ll miss seeing your stuff cross my social media, but I’ll be happy knowing you’re taking such good care of you ❤️

  6. Happy slightly belated bday. Rly glad to hear youre puttin yourself first here. I know much of the same feelings you have here, tho youve been out and public far longer than i

    I do find i also put too much of myself into fightin the bigoted world views and not enuf into enjoyin this happiest life im livin at home. Im actually also about to get my own orchi soon, and have lived with my mommy for nearly two yrs now without much worries except those i make myself heh… like worries about the bigoted views espoused about me

    Im nvr gonna stop bein so publicly me, but i do want to take a break from the more argument based aspects of my publicness and leave it for others to fight those bullies views. If anythin, we can change far more ppls minds just by existin as happily as we do and thus provin the bullies claims wrong.

    I feel i shud likewise make it so, startin on my bday in a wk, i take a brk from the more argumentative areas of the internet i frequent. I rly wud rather spend that energy crawlin around my room and just enjoyin and lovin my wonderful life

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s