Monsters in the Shadows, in the Light

Big Content Warnings for a long venty post. Takes a turn about halfway through, watchout ~ ~

Hey friends! New little video from the beach! And i’m filming a new Victoria’s Secret Panty Try-On Today 🙂

I know, Diaper Girl at Victorias Secret is a silly sight, but I have been loving the smooth lines and cuteness of my post-op body. I still have more of a bulge than I will after all the healing is done. I’m still healing, still in pain on occasion… I can’t believe what i’ve been through in the last 100 days. I’m going through lots of changes. I’ve been googling “Ego Death”. I feel like if a cult approached me with some cool robes and mantras and meet-ups i’d probably join. I feel like the dad at the beginning of The Witch. I have other esoteric observations, but I am trying to keep this light and fluffy.

I bet there was a first draft of Pulp Fiction where instead of the whole “Let’s be Cool Like Fonzi” dialogue, they tried a “Let’s keep things Light and Fluffy like Pancakes”

I’m pouring my heart and soul into StayKinky, committing myself to daily content, focusing, staying away from the social medias. When I was a kid, I spent time on Something Awful, then 4chan, then Tumblr & Twitter & Reddit, it’s all been this lust for novelty, I need a break from the internet. I convinced myself that time spent there had value, but it’s so shallow and faceless… I need to just advertise there and focus on my art here.

I need to read more books, I have been loving going back to Bradbury and I just started this Phillip Pullman book on writing, I haven’t turned on my Playstation in a month. I’m getting back into VR. I’m making hearty salads instead of *nothing*. I’m putting weight back on, I was down to 112, that’s too low for me. This video is day 100, today is day 116.

I can’t emphasize how much stress, especially social stress, effects me. I ask myself, why do I cause all this stress for myself, why don’t I just shut up? Why do I have to engage? Outside of my own trauma and angst around anyone who endangers kids, I think there’s more to it, more than i’m realizing, some deep pain that stretches my heart thin. I don’t remember my dreams, but I feel like I dream about the pain. I think alot of the pain is guilt & survivors guilt. I have such a fear of being abusive myself, or letting abuse happen and not doing anything about it. A fear can be healthy, like of venomous snakes, but paranoia is a irrational fear, and it feels more like that. Like a psychosis.

I just found out that one of the guys who ran Teddycon got busted by one of those “To Catch A Predator” type people. One of the roughest things i’ve seen, holy hell, the biggest content warning. This broke my heart. I guess i’m less likely to give people the benefit of the doubt after seeing the 100th person get outed for horrible stuff. People say i’ve been around too long, maybe that’s true. Something about “You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become a Batman Villain“.

Here’s some blame I put on myself, a time when I failed, when I could have done something, but I didn’t.

I have a Confession.

Content Warning: Real Life CSA Images – Trauma – Alcoholism

I told this experience on Reddit recently so I might as well put it on public record here. This is all blurry memories, but it’s a very sad story, so maybe just skip this one and read tomorrows post about swim diapers & cuteness ~ I just need to get this off my back.

It’s sometime between 2007-2009 & i was at NELIcon, (North Eastern Littles Invasion), one of the early & possibly first proper ABDL conventions. I was a serious drunk amongst other bad habits, I was around unfamiliar people and didn’t have any money or stability. I was living in Boston working at a hotel for a few months, it was a long time ago and during a gap in my blog, these were pitch black times and most folks I knew from that period are either dead or in jail, that’s how it goes in the life. I went where the wind took me, where there was a perception of safety.

The last night of the convention I had no place to go due to some travel snafu, I don’t recall any details. So I stayed at the convention in the room of one of the guests, a round faced, short man, someone I didn’t know until the day of the convention and haven’t seen since.

That night they showed me some pictures in a photo album of what looked like a trailer trash-esq family and they seemed to have a very young girl in diapers with them, maybe ten years old? There was nothing explicitly sexual going on and I can’t describe the pictures because talking about this upsets me severely, but they were plentiful and inappropriate and they were very ABDL related. Basically just pictures of a kid in diapers, but not in an innocent way.

The person seemed to know the people in the photos and there were lots of them, this was an ongoing situation. I don’t recall *why* they showed me these pictures, but probably some sick need for validation. I hated it, I have seen photos like this in other places online and it angers me so much, and how common it is… I don’t know what the situation was, but it was not a good environment for this kid and I knew it, it could have been anything from weird incst stuff to kidnapping, who knows? All I know is this guy was into it for horrifying reasons.

This kid is an adult know, if they are still alive, it was so long ago. There was no black & white there, I should have trusted my instincts. And my instincts would be to destroy this guys life, but I was weak.

Here’s what I should have done: I should have slapped that binder out of his hands and alerted the other people at the hotel, or at the very least got enough information to report him to CPS/the cops.

Here’s what I did: I fell asleep. I didn’t even really remember the incident until the night after, hangovers were like that. I don’t recall anything else that happened that night either but when I did remember, I became very angry. I didn’t know who to talk to, I didn’t have a clear recollection, I didn’t even know if it was illegal but it felt really bad to me. I had faced issues with harassment and stalkers and was afraid to make enemies, I was vulnerable, had no resources, I still had a Nokia. I was SWing & messed up on drugs, I didn’t have a firm grasp on anything & wasn’t exactly going to run to the cops. I don’t even really remember what the person looked like, I wish I could do more, it still bothers me,

I hope that girl is ok, the mind reels, the guilt multiplies. Again, I think she shows up in my dreams, and that’s why my waking mind won’t let me remember them, it hurts too much to face. But that’s maybe me just being a writer, creating monsters in every shadow.

When this happened, I had just come out of a decade of grooming and abuse myself. I moved across the country to get away from it and would take any substance to not have to confront it. And here, in this new place, where I thought it was adults doing adult stuff with adults, I see the same abuse cycle happen again. I realized it’s everywhere, it could be in anyone. I have spent so much time in the shadows of society, seen so many horrible things that I couldn’t repeat hear out of respect for your soul as the reader… It wears on you, the shadows start peering back.

I had my opportunity to save this kid, maybe from not ending up to be a complete disaster like I was. Adults made me grow up too fast, I was never innocent, I never got that chance. I wanted to save someone else the pain. And I couldn’t. And that’s my confession.

Oral Morals

I’m 37 and it still hurts everyday, that missing piece. I try the therapy thing but it’s a hurt that’s never going away, all I can do is find the brightness in the world and in myself, break free from the chains other people put on me. And to try and stop further hurt internally and externally.

But sometimes it really feels like i’m just lost, like I’m damned, but I can spend my life saving others. I feel this passion to help others, that empathy to not stay silent, but that can be just a way to reenact the same abuse over & over again, it’s trauma seeking behaviour. I see these “Predator Catcher” people on Youtube and it seems like it comes from such a place of deep hurt and anger, I see myself in them. I hate vigilante justice and these aggro youtube people, but wow, I

I pick my battles, I think a lot of boycotts and online advocacy is disconnected from reality & performative…. but I also truly think we need more voices for consent, anti-racism, inclusion etc. I have always acted on certain principles and often kept them personal, the stock i’m from is about *real* advocacy, real work and real results. I do have angst from times when I could have helped and I didn’t, or times when I was hurt and my friends or family or community stood silent, I have some anger towards them too. But I don’t want to be angry, that’s not me. I’m not some aggro person, I just think certain things are hitting a breaking point for me.

I needed to get all this off my shoulders, I’m figuring myself at. I get so angry at this stuff, and I know people are tired & nothing changes so I just need to move on. So thanks for letting me vent, I have some crinkle content coming up, will put my future vents into a book or something, I have some smiles coming up. Sorry for all the heavy talk, I need to go spend a day at a waterpark and stop peering in to the void.

Speaking of voids, I am going to do a breakdown of the trauma regression bit from the “Alone” episode of Moral Oral on my other blog, an episode which makes me so ridiculously sad. And not just the storytelling, but the way I see myself in it. An extreme content warning on this for everything under the sun, like, seriously, don’t watch unless you want to panic cry.

Thanks for listening friends. I am logged off and just focusing on my paysites, stuff coming to Patreon asap too. All is well here, I went to the Zoo, lots of emotions and sads right now, but I am doing ok, surviving as always. I am going to spend the day relaxing and eating donuts, I feel lighter after writing this. Instead of constantly speaking my mind in the public square, i’m going to give my opinions here and in my media and not to the social media dross.

Be well, so much beauty out there, need to focus on that. But all this trauma, it weighs heavy. I’m glad my body will be better soon but my soul needs some more time. Hugs, no sads in the next post, I promise! I didn’t post for a long time on here because I only had sad things to say, so I’m going to follow that principle. Next post will be all smiles ❤

Fight for what’s right. And when you no longer can, heal up and live your life ❤